Lestyr Reviews

Fight Club (1999)

What's up with this movie?

[2/10 · 6 August 2001]

I agree completely with the negative critics statements on the inside of the DVD. This movie's defenders have tried to pass it off as "cerebral" and "psychological" on this very page, and as a "profound portrait of how corporations ruin our lives." It is none of these. First of all, what makes people think it's cerebral? The endless whining? The laughable "we're all the middle children of history" attempts at philosophizing? The hardly novel idea that men need to have an outlet for their pent-up aggression? And the leftist idea (which has been out there since at least the time of Marx) that corporations have been destroying our lives and screwing us over? Praise the movie as cerebral, and you'd better be cerebral yourself to recognize it. Get yourself a book of Dostoyevsky or Kant and see how you handle real deep thought.

Second off, that it's psychological. Simple because the main character has a certain mental disorder (I won't be so bad to reveal what it is), is it psychological? After we see the character's illness in the movie, it seemed to me Norton fighting Pitt was like a bad Candid Camera joke. I was half-expecting the director to come on after the scene and say, "You took that scene seriously? Sucker!" It's amazing what this movie expects you to believe, particularly after the plot twist which, like the Usual Suspects (to which it has been often compared) is just too clever by a half, and voids entire sections of the movie.

I'm a fan of Ed Norton because I like his work. I also liked Seven quite a bit, so I can hardly be dismissed as a Fincher-hater. And I still agree that men in our society are fundamentally demasculinized in a way previous generations never had to deal with. But after seeing this movie, I think the solution may be worse than the cure.

Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)

Boooooooorinnngggg

[3/10 · 29 May 2001]

Talk about a long-winded piece of dung. I haven't seen anything so overlong since Wagnerian opera. There were plot points (Ghost Dog goes to kill this guy) that a good director could have taken in maybe five minutes, a genius in one, but inexplicably took twenty here. It was like I was watching this whole movie in slow motion, for I have never seen a movie with such a high body count bore me so thoroughly. And maybe it's just that the vast majority of people don't understand the Eastern philosophy behind those samurai quotes, but the general reaction at my place was "Huh?" Nobody got them, and the quotes were sufficiently opaque that they may as well have been in "Waterworld" as this cinematic turd. And what was up with that Caribbean ice-cream vendor? Talk about an unnecessary subplot. And why were the mobsters always watching cartoons? Nobody knows. And how could the movie destroy such an interesting premise? For the same reason so many of us dislike opera: It bores us to death in a medium we don't understand.

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996 Video)

Spine-tingling entertainment!

[2/10 · 17 March 2000]

In my distinguished career as a movie critic, I divide movies into three catagories: Good movies, bad movies, and movies like Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders. Consider, if you will, the amazing symbolism found in the critic playing with magic. Can you not see the critic playing a Faust character, an alchemist toying with a power beyond him and then getting visited by the devil? Does this not symbolise man's hubris? Does it not show the inherent limits we are all capable of? I'm disgusted NOBODY finds this in this movie. And what of Merlin himself? The looks he gets on the street when he's in search of the Creepy Monkey toy only highlight the alienation wizards, wiccans, sorcerers, and Clinton Cabinet Members feel when they walk down the street. My god, are you not human? Can you not feel their pain?

I'm kidding, of course. I don't need to tell you (but will anyway) that this movie is no movie that anyone except convicted politicians should ever see. And to think this was intended for children. Is Elementary School not enough torture for our young people? Do not watch this film, especially if you don't have the maturity to laugh at the hokiness of the Creepy Monkey Toy, or you don't have MST3K to help.

American Pie (1999)

Delicious!

[8/10 · 8 January 2000]

A film worthy of repeated viewing again and again, and the nudity is not the reason. It's a movie written expressly by guys for guys, but somehow women like it as much as men do. The movie has so many scenes of absolutely hideous embarrassment alternated with scenes of triumph. There were somewhere around ten times in the movie when I started shaking my fist and going, "Yeah, baby!" Why? Becausen this is a movie that so many guys my age (I'm 18) can relate to. We cringe with embarrassment beyond what we've ever known when we see Kevin get caught spouting off about trying for a sexual homerun; we cheer when we see the guy get the girl not because she coerced him into saying "I love you" but because he truly was interested in her. This is immensely gratifying for us to see, partially because we never see it in real life. For fans of the movie "Swingers" I would highly recommend this as a guy movie.

Storywise, this is very well written. As noted above, there are some similarities to "Swingers" - obvious scenes when you can't help but feel sorry for the guy acting too effeminate or being too much of a pushover - to be contrasted with scenes (like Mike's dancing in Swingers) where you want to stand up and cheer. It's the tension between these moments of "I can't watch this!" to "You just learned how to be a man!" that gives this movie its great appeal to me. When I first heard of the movie, I swore that I would never see it. I heard of scenes with a pie, of awkward porno-magazine distribution scenes, of the endlessly repeated "Band Camp" lines, and of a guy using a tube sock to encase something other than his foot. Yes, these are indeed gross, but you must realize they are realistic gross. Whether or not they cross into gratuitousness is up to you, but I feel that this film's reputation as "The Most Dangerous Film to Our Youth of All Time" is undeserved. The gross scenes appeal only to the easily-titillated, or social reformers who need an excuse to impose some more limits on what we watch. Watch it for yourself, and how you really think. You'll find it worthwhile.

The Girl Gets Moe (1997)

Let me get my time back!!!

[3/10 · 15 December 1999]

We all know that, it being a TV movie, there will always be something lacking from it. However, the Girl Gets Moe is inexcusable. The story itself lacks in virtually every aspect I can possibly remember, including fight scenes which are done only for the sake of waking the viewer up, and some of the cheesiest dialogue I've ever heard. In particular, the one where the man is stuffing a body into a trunk stays in my head. "Always buy American. They've got the biggest trunk space." How much did GM pay them to include THAT line in the movie? How can anyone possibly expect the star of "Who's the Boss?" to make a convincing mobster? How could anyone possibly care as to the outcome of this movie after seeing the first five seconds of it? Stay away from this movie!

American Playhouse: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank (1983) Season Unknown, Episode Unknown

Should be destroyed

[2/10 · 29 October 1999]

Raul Julia. A highly esteemed actor, known for roles in everything from Addams Family movies to Shakespearean comedies. Now how in all the devil's work could such a great actor have been suckered into this waste of celluloid? What kind of collusion could force him to waste both his time, reputation, and taxpayer dollars (yes, this thing was subsidized by the New York affiliate of PBS) on this loser story? Alas, since Raul is dead, we will never know what sort of blackmail forced him to star in this; however, we CAN honor his memory: Destroy all copies of this film, and every mention of this movie. The slate will be wiped clean for future generations, and in the slim chance that someday future civilizations unearth this film, they will not judge 20th century America by this cinematic sewage. That is all I have to say.

Mystery, Alaska (1999)

Cliche

[3/10 · 24 October 1999]

I gave this film a 3 because everything, except the ending, was horribly cliched. The teenage "American-Pie" wannabe sections (I'll never look at snow grooming machines and snowplows the same way again!) did nothing but gross me out, the melodramatic "emotional courtroom argument" had been done in hundreds of movies but was used here twice, and the story structure was entirely predictable. The only thing that surprised me was the ending. Some would call this film "The Adult Mighty Ducks"; I disagree, in that so long as it stays on the ice, the film pretty much stays where it should be. Unfortunately, as noted above, when the film strays off the ice (which it does for far too long), moviegoers can't help but laugh at the endless numbers of "deja vus" found throughout the movie. Remember for the hockey and the scenery; forget the plot.

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Surprising

[8/10 · 24 October 1999]

What praises can I sing about this movie that haven't been sung already? However, what this movie DID do was surprise me. I don't know whether I should have expected the movie's ending or not, but all the same it did give me a bit of a shock. While some of the things have been seen before many times (the bible-thumping hypocritical warden, for one), I was pleased with some of the lines from the movie ("Trust in the Lord...your ass belongs to me."), and delighted with how the movie was wrapped up so neatly. See this movie not as an artsy, thematic flick, but see it as an excellent, expertly done story, and you will agree with me when I say it's one of the five best movies of our decade.

Cannonball Run II (1984)

A Shakespearean tragedy...

[3/10 · 7 July 1999]

This film was a true tragedy, but not the story itself. The fact was, this film had at least ten different actors who have all carried the lead role in some other movies, and they wasted every last one of them. How many other movies do you get Jackie Chan co-starred with Dean Martin, or for that matter Telly Savalas with Tony Danza? How could they waste such a varied and diverse cast? None of the characters is the least bit interesting, there is no scene which is even remotely funny, and it has no plot at all. None whatsoever. If poorly done foreign accents, an occasional car crash, and a scene shot inside a Vegas casino are your idea of humor (and if you have recently taken in a large quantity of controlled substance) this film is for you. Otherwise, marvel at the cast listings, and the supreme waste of human potential that is this movie.

We're Talkin' Serious Money (1992)

Boooooooorrriinnngggg!

[2/10 · 23 June 1999]

I've seen a lot of bad movies in my time, but nowhere else have I seen such an incompetent mob movie. Can you imagine a mobster movie - these things involve lots of shootings and lots of catch lines by definition - where a)No shooting happens at all until the end, and b)The whole movie is built around $10,000. That's how much the characters seek, and probably the total production cost of the movie. Lots of pointless chatter, but has neither muscle (listed above) or brains. Watch it if you want to see the worst mobster flick of all time, or if you need a cure for insomnia.

Girl in Gold Boots (1968)

Who thought of this?

[1/10 · 9 June 1999]

Okay, boys and girls. Who here reading this thing hasn't seen the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this? If, by chance, you're one of the rare ones who haven't, here's the basic thoughts. I think that they should put the film editor, director, and screenwriter in front of the War Crimes tribunal. The acting is atrocious, the costumes are disturbingly bad, there is not even an attempt at a story. Not only that, but all MST3K fans remember the infamous scene at the bar where the guy magically teleports into the picture, or the scene where the guy sings for hours with his guitar (always somehow playing harmonica accompaniment with his...), or the notoriously overplayed "Girl in Gold Boots" theme (competes with Titanic for most overplayed, counting radio station airings), or the completely unnecessary dune buggy ride...You try to suffer through the whole thing. Also takes a nomination for most boring movie of all time (One of the only films where dancing is less exciting than the dialogue, and that's not complimenting the dialogue). Especially keep a lookout for some of the worst film editing of all time. Watch out!

Das Boot (1981)

Astounding

[9/10 · 3 June 1999]

This film is so incredibly realistic, it brings to mind the not-yet-made "Saving Private Ryan" for simple, harsh ability to shock. Also, the scenes with the depth charges are quite scary, simply because it's really nothing anyone's ever seen before (and therefore no way of making hackneyed cliches), and they never hit when you expect them to. Extremely good movie - watch it when you can.

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)

You asked for it!

[1/10 · 19 May 1999]

C'mon, with a title like this, what were you expecting? The Godfather? No, this is one of those movies that you simply cannot forget, in the sense that you got the best sleep of your life! MST3K couldn't even bring this movie to life (was this the "Jeeedddd!" episode?). Nonexistent plot. Nonexistent acting. Nonexistent intrigue in (supremely unerotic) striptease scenes. About the only thing that exists is lots of smoke floating around, some guy in a sweatshirt walking around with no discernible purpose, and a VERY large mole on some lady's face. I personally feel everyone should watch this movie, just so they know what a REALLY bad movie is. It could also be used as a filibuster aid in Congress. Bottom line: Unless you're ready to watch a horribly boring, yet supremely hilarious movie, stay away!

Zaat (1971)

Cruel and Unusual Punishment...

[2/10 · 17 May 1999]

This film was quite possibly the most boring film ever made. Personally, I think it was even more boring than the "Incredibly Strange Creatures who..." I saw it on MST3K, but even that way it didn't hold my attention long enough for even the big monologue at the beginning. What was all that stuff about "taking over the world"? How could an idiot like that possibly take over the world if he's a catfish with fur sprouting on his neck? How could he take over the world if all he's doing is just swimming around, occasionally maiming someone and the rest of the time spraying some Windex into the water? How could he take over the world if he couldn't even change one woman into a beast? Not only that, but I'm scarred for life by that scene of him stripping down to his shorts to get into the water. THAT was horrible. This is a guy so bad that even "Puma Man" could defeat him, but at least that kept me entertained. Don't see this any way but MST3K, and bring your pillow even with that.

The Meaning of Life (1983)

A tiger? In Africa?

[8/10 · 15 May 1999]

This is, without a doubt, one of the most bizarre movies ever made. Period. It's also, at some points, one of the funniest ever. There are some rather lacking scenes (like the dungeon Hawaiian restaurant), but some scenes, such as the infamous Exploding Man, the Grim Reaper, the Tiger Scene, and to top it all off, the scene about condoms. What can you say about a movie that features a full, 200-cast 10 minute musical number about the virtues of condoms? What can you say about a movie that makes a parody of pirate ship movies by having a giant building sailing around a giant city? My point is, it's pretty funny in many respects, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I think it's because you're more shocked at how bizarre it is rather than how clever or surprising. Personally, I thought the Holy Grail was their masterpiece, but if you need a walk on the wild side (like everyone does, if they wish to remain sane), see this movie. Please.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

One of mankind's greatest innovations

[8/10 · 23 April 1999]

The show is arguably one of the greatest achievements in human comedy in history. The movie does justice to the show by giving us the no-less-bad-movie "This Island Earth." You'll especially like it when Mike and the crowd start singing along with the music. Actually, this is one of the better movies shown. It isn't as good as the best episode ("Puma Man", in my book), but it's still better than your average Hollywood fare. WATCH THIS MOVIE!

Hobgoblins (1988)

AAUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHH!

[1/10 · 23 April 1999]

There are exactly four films which compete in my contest for the worst film ever. At number four, we have "Puma Man", an incomprehensible pathetically written piece of Aztec-Alien-Pumaman junk. At number three, we have "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Crazy Mixed-Up Zombies." This is the most second most boring film, period. At number two, we have "Revenge of the Teenage Vixens from Outer Space," NOT on MST3K (Sorry, guys, but it's gotta go on there sometime), which had the second worst special effects ever. And what was number one? The movie that beat all these films in the aforementioned categories, "Hobgoblins." Not only does it have the worst script, the worst moving along of tale, and the worst special effects, but it puts up "Revenge" actors for the Oscars. Can ANYTHING even compare to the infamous "Club Scum" scene? WHO MADE THIS THING? I want to know! So horrid, not even MST3K can fully save us from its wrath. Watch it at your own risk!

Girl in Gold Boots (1968)

An only somewhat leering crime drama...

[1/10 · 19 April 1999]

See this movie on Mystery Science Theater 3000, it's the only way you can bear to watch it. In the vein of "Riding With Death", mated horribly with "Striptease," with the profound influence of some unspeakable past films. This is not as bad as "Hobgoblins" or some of the other famous episodes, but still it's horrible. See it soon, if you can stand it.