shoalin Reviews

Fahrenheit 9/11 (2004)

We all need to make certain this film gets seen...!

[19 May 2004]

Bush doesn't want it. The Republicans are scared sh__less of it. And Disney is hoping and praying that it will just somehow go away and die someplace quietly outside the borders of the US of A. What we are witnessing here is blatant, partisan- and multimegamedia-sanctioned censorship of a not-so-flattering portrayal of the Bush Administration that could very well have an influence on the outcome of the upcoming election.

As things stand now Miramax is trying to buy the film back from Disney, who have flatly refused to advertise or distribute the movie they financed, because Jeb Bush, the Governor of Florida, could potentially curtail many of the tax breaks that Disney World currently enjoys in that other great Sunshine State. Now isn't that just about the most unAmerican thing you've ever heard out of Disney? Walt would surely be turning in his grave. (Or would he?)

The key point is that all freedom-loving and cherishing Americans need to be given the opportunity to see this film, or else we could all be very well turning in our own.

Go get 'em Harvey...! (i.e. Weinstein) You've got the power...!

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)

Epic! - except for the last 15 minutes

[9/10 · 18 January 2004]

Simply put – EPIC…!

A near perfect cinematic adaptation of the last book of the trilogy that was relatively respectful of the source material, as were the two earlier episodes. Peter Jackson and all the creators deserve a lifetime commendation for what they have accomplished with these three films.

The only flaw with ‘The Return of The King' is the excruciatingly drawn out ending, most notably the tearful goodbye scene at the Elfin boat dock which could have easily been cut in length by two-thirds (around 8 minutes). After three hours of ultra-entertaining nearly non-stop action, everyone in the theatre was squirming in the seats saying, `Come on now, let's get on with it already!' Similar to the ending for ‘Excalibur' (where a knight makes an totally unnecessary 2nd trip to the lake to retrieve the sword), the creators seem to have fallen so in love with the story that they had a tough time letting go. But this is the only flaw in a near-perfect film, so it still deserves a massive 9 out of 10 in my books.

The Ice Runner (1992)

A better than average movie that almost gets totally ruined by a poor ending.

[7/10 · 9 January 2004]

**** MINOR SPOILERS ****

Set during the Gorbachev Glasnost era of change, Jeffrey West (actor Edward Albert; 'Power Rangers', 'Man in The Iron Mask') is an American agent who gets caught on his last assignment in Moscow and is sent by train to a labor camp in a temperate forested region of Siberia. Almost the entire movie takes place there, beside a backward but naturally picturesque rural Siberian village. Things aren't great, but they sure ain't no frozen gulag hellhole either. The place is so remote that the prisoners are at times allowed to walk freely around the village, to get drunk and party, and even permanently ship-in their wives.

West is befriended by Fyodor, a wealthy oriental trader (Chinese actor Victor Wong; 'The Last Emperor', 'Prince of Darkness', '3 Ninjas'), who provides him with rambling but meaningful metaphysical nature wisdom that includes how to potentially escape. West harbors a secret that causes him to fall under the watchful eye of the camp commander, Koyla (Russian actor Yevgeni Lazarev) - whose main principle in life is Stalin-era devotion to the state and the job the state has entrusted him with. The situation later devolves into an all-or-nothing vendetta against West when Koyla's realizes that his entire authoritarian world will soon collapse around him due to the reforms of Glasnost. There's actually quite a bit of symbolic meaning and subtext here - just think about the choice of the name `West'.

Until this point (approximately 90 minutes in) the movie is doing fine with adequate acting, well-spaced action, rustic 1930's period-like set design (but its the late 80's, but this is rural Siberia) and remarkably good cinematography, filmed entirely on location in Russia. We learn absolutely nothing about West's past, but he's in a delicate situation where nothing can be revealed. We learn about his intelligence, bravery and spirit through his actions, and these ultimately shine through and annoy Koyla. However, Koyla is nowhere near as cruel as your average Nazi SS officer, and he at times even mildly draws our sympathy. Although he does seem happiest when the spirit of his prisoners is broken, since this obviously makes his job that much easier. In the end, we don't really need to know more about these characters. West will try to escape some day, and Koyla has to stop him if he is to maintain his sense of purpose.

But the film begins to unravel in the last 15 minutes, not long before the final chase on the frozen ice sheets. The cinematography - shot on location in the Artic - is spectacular, but the ending gets lost down some artificial ice crack as hokey mystic mumbo-jumbo flashbacks and unbelievable circumstances completely destroy the end game's credibility. After such a tremendous build-up, the 'ice-running' confrontation between West and Koyla is anticlimactic, disappointing and wrapped-up way too quickly. A well thought-out rewrite of the last 20 minutes could have done wonders. They may have run out of money, or maybe a blizzard hit before they finished filming, but they definitely fumbled the ball at the very end of this movie.

My favorite scenes were by far those with Fyodor divulging his nature secrets and metaphysical beliefs to Jeffrey West. They strangely reminded me of Akira Kurosawa's classic 1975 film 'Dersu Uzala', where a similar relationship evolves between an Asiatic hunter and a Russian military captain. Although this is a far superior film to 'The Ice Runner', they both dramatize a bond of mutual respect and friendship that develops between a receptive westerner and a naturally clued-in oriental somewhere in the Russian outback.

It has often been said that a very good movie can be totally ruined by a really bad ending. That's probably not an inaccurate description of 'The Ice Runner'. You honestly might be better off stopping this movie before the last 15 minutes, since the ending certainly does this film serious, if not irreparable, harm. (6 out of 10)

Alien Hunter (2003)

A great science fiction movie, this thing is not!

[4/10 · 5 January 2004]

An unoriginal, overly predictable and only mildly entertaining low budget rehash of a sci-fi formula that we've all seen a hundred times before - a group of scientists in isolation confronting some unknown alien something, and in of all places (surprise, surprise) Antarctica!

The film features James Spader and an almost nameless supporting cast (with the exception of Carl Lewis, who's actually not that bad for a non-actor) - who deliver ho-hum performances that do little to invigorate the script's unimaginative dialogue. To make things worse the film's pace is slow, there's almost no subplot, and the few action sequences are stereotypical and not that exciting. Its little wonder that this thing went straight to DVD. What is a wonder is why Spader - an excellent actor at times, who won the Cannes Best Actor award for `Sex, Lies and Videotape', and did a splendid job in the innovative sci-fi flick `Stargate' - chose to sign onto this lackluster project. Or maybe not, if you look at his career, for it seems he has invested his talents in more misses than hits.

The most remarkable thing about `Alien Hunter' is how they managed to cram in so many elements from so many great sci-fi films, and still have the thing turn out so listless and contrived. There are huge borrowed bits from `The Thing' (both Howard Hawks' original and John Carpenter's excellent 1982 remake), `Contact' and `Outbreak'; a few hints of `Alien', CE3K', `The Andromeda Strain', `Kubrick's `2001' (i.e. the `alien black box') and `Mission To Mars' (i.e. the mystery message); and even a little dash of `Sneakers' and `A Remarkable Mind' (although not sci-fi films, they share a `cryptology' connection). Hell, there's even cornfields and Antarctica, just like the recent `X Files Movie'. And the luminous translucent spaceship at the end looks exactly like something that was plucked from an outtake from `The Abyss'.

Its all been done before and done a whole lot better, although I will admit there were a few mild surprises towards the end. I could say a little bit more about the plot, but there's absolutely no need. You already know over half this movie without ever seeing it. (5 out of 10)

The Master of Disguise (2002)

A sometimes lame kid's movie, yes. But one of the worst films ever? Never...!

[6/10 · 26 December 2003]

I consider myself a film buff, I write professionally, although only on rare occasions do film reviews, so I feel I have a few more credentials than your average armchair IMDB critic. All that said, I have never seen such intensely horrible IMDB reviews (e.g. `the worst ever') for a movie that actually wasn't that bad. Its no great work of art, but I actually enjoyed watching it through adolescent eyes. It's was intended as a kid's movie for Christ's sake…! Its supposed to be stupid with goofy repetitive gags and lame humor. But done with a good wink and a nod, if anybody was watching. People saw Dana Carvey's name on the label, thought it was going to be the next Wayne's World or whatever, and were disappointed when it wasn't. But Dana's charm is there in spades, I loved all the characters he created in this senseless little movie, and the story actually wasn't much lamer or thin than Wayne's World's 1 or 2 – if you want to complain about plot within comedy skit-driven movies.

Its also pretty obvious from the brevity of the film (only 65 minutes of movie), and the fact that a heap of scenes in the 15 minutes of end-credit outtakes are not in the film, that this flick is an abbreviated version of what Carvey and director Blake originally intended. Who knows what were the reasons, but I'll bet even money that some cost overrun, studio intervention or other problem resulted in at least a third of this film winding-up on the cutting room floor.

Before watching this movie, just put yourself in the same mind frame as `Spy Kids', but without all the big budget special effects, gadgets and elaborate sets, and you'll probably have a much better chance of enjoying what you see. I can see why some folks might only give this movie a 4 or 5 (out of 10), but one of the worst films ever? Never…!

Interstate 60 (2002)

A Mystical Road Trip With More Truth Than You Think

[8/10 · 9 September 2003]

Possible minor spoilers

What a surprise! Rented this thing not expecting much and was pleasantly blown away. Thinly lurking below the surface of a seemingly simple "crossroads of life" crisis confronting a young man named Neil – just before he chooses his career path – are lurking the added dimensions of synchronicity, multiple destiny, mystical guidance and individual choice; plus some of the most concise and sublime commentary on what is intrinsically wrong with both ecstasy rave culture and the profession of law in America (and these are just two of many character-testing episodes that confront Neil as he rolls down the magical netherworld of Interstate 60 in classic Twilight Zone fashion).

I can highly recommend this one on a number of levels, and most of the morality messages and symbolism are crisp and clear enough for even the simplest of moviegoers to fathom. And best of all it is difficult to predict the turns the film will take after the first slightly formula 30 minutes. I can't understand why this thing hasn't received greater attention (What?! No major external reviews?). Gary Oldman, Christopher Lloyd and Kurt Russell are all great in their various supporting roles, and its easy to see why they all gave this film their support. A well deserved 8 out of 10!

Hollywood Homicide (2003)

The movie was also a victim

[4 September 2003]

Just about the worst film Harrison Ford has ever been involved with. The only good thing about Hollywood Homicide is the capture of the warped value system that permeates virtually every person of every walk of life living in the spiritually-starved desert of Southern California. Where flash, the promise of big bucks and "being all you can be" at the cost of your own soul and your sanity are the over-riding mantras of the day. The film also features a mildly-entertaining run through of many famous LA locations. If you're a Harrison Ford fan or anyone who appreciates decent cinema, I'd give this one a miss.

Finding Nemo (2003)

A Fish Story Well Worth The Dip

[9/10 · 8 July 2003]

I was more or less turned off by Toy Story and Antz. Shrek didn't do much for me, so ever since I've been avoiding most computerized animated cartoon feature motion pictures. But I'm happy to report that Finding Nemo is absolutely brilliant! Awesome colors, breathtaking underwater seascapes and oceanographic detail, plus plain damned funny and entertaining characterizations, dialogue and story! Actually dare I use the word genius? I'm 47 years old, hold several degrees, including one in marine biology, and I can honestly say that the folks at Pixel and Disney certainly did their zoological homework on this one. Easily the best animated feature I have seen in decades. I've also surf, have been to Sydney and have many Australian friends, so this made the surf-talking `dude' sea turtles and Australian inside-jokes even that much more funny. But at least for me it was those blasted seagulls that won the laugh award for me. I couldn't help busting up completely in the theatre every time they made an appearance, `mate'! A 9 out of 10 in my books, and I forgot to mention, I'm a film buff as well. Anyone of any age who still has half a heart left in their body owes it to themselves to go see `Finding Nemo'.

The Bunker (2001)

Could of been a great Nazi ghost story.

[5/10 · 3 July 2003]

WARNING - POSSIBLE SPOILERS

A small group of panicky German soldiers, on the run from advancing Allied troops, hole up in a bunker that connects with a maze of tunnels with a deep dark secret. Gets off to a great start, followed by super eerie music and scary as hell "come to focus" images during the opening credits, but the big supernatural payoff we all expect never materializes. Also, the German soldier's assumptions about intruders are totally unbelievable and moronic given the facts they had. And why risk patrolling unsafe tunnels, when you've got an easily defendable single entrance leading to your position, protected by steel blast doors? Better than average acting, color and cinematography; great setting, sound and feel; if only they presented the horror as more real than psychological, plus provided more logical motivation for their character's actions and reactions, this could have been a great Nazi ghost story movie. (5 out of 10)

Alakazam the Great (1960)

The Greatest Lost Animated Classic

[8/10 · 15 March 2003]

I fortunately as a child was able to see this film twice, and the memories have out-lasted many of those of the Disney classics that bombarded my adolescent senses at the same time. For years I have scoured video bins worldwide in an attempt to locate a copy of this long last classic, but as yet to no avail. This, in my opinion, is one of the greatest and most memorable animated films and stories presented to date (that is the US-dubbed and scored version, for I've never seen the original Japanese version). Great characters and animation, awesome moralistic and quasi-religious end messages, and a just plane fantastic story. The depth is nearly as great as that of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Putting aside all the lost cinema gems still kicking around the depths of my childhood memories, this is the one I would most like to revisit and share with the children of today.

Hard Cash (2002)

Run for the incinerator and burn it

[3/10 · 18 December 2002]

One of the most senseless, poorly executed and forgettable pieces of trash I have seen this century. Even though Val Kilmer and Christian Slater have done their fare share of clinkers, they've generally been in more good than bad films, so I have no idea how much money or other leverage was used to make them both sign on to this shoddy bit of an action-crime dramedy.

The camera work is not bad though, with very passable and sometimes quite colorful cinematography (you've never seen life as New Jersey trailer trash look so pretty). But the plot is completely unbelieveable and ridiculously executed with downright embarassing scripting, dialogue, editing and pacing.

As for character development, the only person I had any sympathy for was a cameo: Jose, the poor Mexican wetback who had a halfway funny scene selling oranges about mid-way through the film. I never felt sorry for Slater's character and his threatened daughter, the main protangonist and innocent of the film, because the plot was so completely wonky with unbelievable twists. I could of personally improved this picture 200% with about 10 pages of very doable suggestions, scene reorderings, dialogue changes and other cosmetics.

Do what the director and producers should of done with this thing before it was ever released or put to video, and run for the incinerator and burn it!

Val and Christian, shame on you for lending your names to this thing!!

Our God's Brother (1997)

Thank God the Pope didn't keep his day job...

[3/10 · 23 November 1999]

A play that thinks it is a film, or is that a film that thinks it is a play? Either way, this muddled attempt at bringing this stage play written by Karol Wojtyla -- better known today as Pope John Paul II -- to the big screen fails miserably. The acting is incredibly wooden, the camera movement stiff, and although there is some beautifully recreated period cinematography of what appears to be Warsaw, there is way too little of it and it melds awkwardly with the stage drama presentation.

The play was originally written as a debt of gratitude to the late 19th century Polish painter Adam Cimelowski, who gave up his promising artistic career for the service of God, just as Wojtyla later did with his writing career. We have all seen excellent film adaptations of stage plays (e.g. Macbeth, A Streetcar Named Desire, Hamlet, Henry V), however, Wojtyla's prose is unfortunately no Shakespeare. As a film, this story may have succeeded if it were done in Polish and properly dramatized, cutting down on the play's incredibly boring and verbose English dialogue which is excruciatingly presented word for word.

As Pope, Wojtyla has had a tremendous hand in changing the world we live in, but if this is an example of his best writing talents, we can only thank God that he didn't keep his day job.