André-3 Reviews

Enchanted (2007)

Undescribable awfulness

[2/10 · 14 December 2007]

How can I describe the awfulness of this movie? Cliché-ridden? Yes. Dull? Yes. Unimaginative? Yes. Predictable? Yes. Unfunny? Yes.

But it is even worse than that. After about 40 minutes of this inane story, I looked at my watch, and we were only about 10 minutes in this dragging film. After about 30 minutes, my wife said to me "I am so relieved that YOU picked it!"

What else is awful about it? The music! A pale, pale, pale, pale attempt at imitating a 1950's musical. Sorry, I was around when the 1950 musicals came out, and they were nothing like this uninspired version. Who would want to listen again to ANY of the boring lyrics of ANY of the songs in this movie! Pity the poor sound editor of this movie who had to listen to them again and again.

What else is awful? Well, many things. The chipmunk scenes, for instance. Who wants to spend any part of his or her time on Earth watching a chipmunk do a charade ? And then later in the film, do ANOTHER one!

A critic wrote that Walt Disney would be proud of this film. This is what made me suggest to my wife that we should see it as our Friday-night-at-the-movies selection. Au contraire, there is nothing of the genius of the original Disney films in this very limp version of a fairy tale. I think he would be appalled.

Incompetence must not be rewarded. Don't go and see it.

André

Superman Returns (2006)

Why this film is not a two-hour snooze.

[2/10 · 7 July 2006]

Because the overly intrusive sound effects keep everyone awake.

What a boring,fastidious, stupid, predictable, cliché-ridden, poorly-casted and acted film.

I went to see the film a bit out of curiosity because I wondered how someone could make an interesting movie out of such an implausible character. After all, it had been done with Batman.

Well, they couldn't,it turns out. They did not even try.

I was also misled by the positive ratings the film received from reviewers. Whose judgement can one trust these days...?

The film is a sequence of one ridiculous scene after another with no attempt at all to create any kind of internal logic. I am ready to suspend disbelief and go along with certain outlandish topics but only on the condition that there is some effort to establish a bit of logic between the elements of the storyline.

Add to this the fact that the characters are nothing more than cardboard cut-outs reciting their lines.

It is to be feared that the availability of computer software to create "dazzling" images of crashing planes and earth-moving tremors may spell the end of good cinema. Why bother with intelligent story lines and well-crafted screen plays when all you need to entertain are a few buttons to create monstrous scenes of destruction or pandemonium?

It seems that movie goers are at the mercy of studios directed by people whose purpose in life is to collect as much money as possible from 12 year-olds !

Jarhead (2005)

A narrow view of a large calamity

[4/10 · 11 November 2005]

While my wife and I found the film interesting and worth the time and expense to view it, we also found it to be lacking in an important way.

Whether this was the intent or not, this film will be viewed by many as an insight into what the war in the Persian Gulf was. By focusing exclusively on the impact of the war on the lives of American soldiers, we are again presented with an incomplete view of a real event. A view that reiterates the hopefully false impression that the importance of any event is the impact that it has on the United States or its citizens.

One of the major impacts of the war in Iraq is the calamity that it has brought to the Iraqui population (whether or not it was for their own good is not the point). This essential dimension is totally absent from the film. In fact, I recollect less than 10 Arabs portrayed in that film (unless you count the corpses). If the impact of the war on the general population was not an important consideration in the soldiers' reaction to their war experience, this in itself is a highly revealing fact that needs to be presented.

In order to understand my concern about this film, imagine that someone made a film about the bombing of Germany and focused nearly exclusively on the experiences of the bomber pilots without covering in any way the impact of this bombing on the general population. Such a film would quite rightly be considered deeply flawed, no matter your opinion on the culpability of the German populace with respect to Nazi crimes. If the pilots had not been concerned about the negative side effects of their actions (they were), that is an important dimension that would have needed to be presented.

De-Lovely (2004)

Strike-outs and Homeruns

[10/10 · 25 July 2004]

Going to the movies is a lot like going to a baseball game.

Most of the time you just sit and watch one strike-out after another. You witness a series of superb athlete walk up to the plate and swing and miss. Very boring actually, most of the time.

But then something magical happens. The game breaks open in a flash as the men standing motionless on the field explode into brilliant synchronized action at the crack of the bat. And the insufferable series of strike-out all of a sudden is forgotten.

And so it is with cinema. To see the homeruns and doubleplays, you have to watch the strike-outs.

De-Lovely is a wonderful pay-off for having had to sit through strike-outs like "The Terminal". It is magic! It is enchanting! It is very close to the very best film I have ever seen. When the credits started to roll, most members of the audience just sat there, seemingly stunned by the beauty of this marvellous movie.

The Barbarian Invasions (2003)

deep and shallow

[5/10 · 27 February 2004]

Overall, this is an adult film that is certainly worth seeing. No car chases, no guns. Of course. And the film does touch (clumsily) on many fundamental issues such as.... the meaning of life. Of course.

Unfortunately, like most Quebec productions (movies or television), it is not pure cinema. It does not break from the theatre tradition whereby the characters are actors reciting, on cue, one after the other, lines they have memorized. There is no impression of spontaneity. The actors do not appear at all to be interacting with each other. They are all carboard figures walking on stage to do their bit (mostly mouthing clichés)then walking out. The main character especially (the dying professor)is boring, one-dimensional, predictable, with no redeeming qualities that would make us sorry to see him go.

Let's not mention the clichés. ("Hasta la vista" says the drug dealer as the car window slides up. Yecchh..! Who wrote this garbage ??)

I am not a Quebecer, but since I am French-speaking, I am aware of the tremendous creative abilities of Quebec artists and producers (think Cirque du Soleil). I know that they can do better, much, much better than films such as the Barbarian Invasions.

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By the way, I hope that American audiences do not think that our Canadian system of health care produces situations that have any ressemblance to what we are shown in the hospital scenes in this movie. What this film shows is pure fiction and does a great disservice to people who are trying to establish in the US a system where everybody, no matter how rich they are, has access to proper medical services. As a senior citizen who has had some opportunities to avail myself of hospital services, this film presents outrageous exagerations of the real conditions in our public hospitals. Folks, it is NOT like that in our hospitals. Denys Arcand's representation of our hospitals is dishonest.

In Canada, like in all civilized societies (with one exception, the US), every citizen has access to proper and equal medical services. Of course, this may mean that the rich have to accept that a hospital stay is not a week at the Hilton. But, eh, tough. At least every one's little baby has a chance to get as good medical treatment as the fat guy with the Lexus.

Cheaper by the Dozen (2003)

Atrocious

[1/10 · 23 January 2004]

My wife and I had read that this was an awful movie, but since it was the only film scheduled at an appropriate time for us, we did go and see it.

Yes, it is truly an awful film. There is nothing remotely humorous in it. Steve Martin confirmed again that he is the unfunniest comedian alive. This man has no acting talent whatsoever. How he gets parts in movies is beyond our understanding.

If you still think you should see the film, look at the first 15 minutes, walk out and demand a refund. We should have done that, but we kept hoping that it would get better. It did not. It got worse. In the end, it looked like a film produced by a committee of eight graders.

Y-Y- Yecchhh...!!!

Love Actually (2003)

a FUN movie

[9/10 · 22 November 2003]

What a wonderful way to spend two hours!

The cast is superb, the humour is side splitting, the plot ridiculous, the movie spendid.

AND no jiggly handheld camera work to distract us from the screen action!

Bravo! Encore!

In the Cut (2003)

Amen to pans

[3/10 · 8 November 2003]

My wife and I fully agree with the pans and would like to add a pot(shot) of our own.

This is not the worst film we have seen recently (Intolerable Cruelty has that distinction), but it is still a very bad and boring film.

In our opinion, the fact that a film is directed by a woman (or a book has a feminine author, or a political party is led by a woman) does not at all mean that the feminine perpective is present. You can still be served the male/macho approach to life. Margaret Thatcher comes to mind. Ditto for the producer/director of this film.

"In the cut" (what a silly, meaningless title!) is pure sexual exploitation. It is hard not to believe that the purpose of that film was to make money showing a celebrity in the nude. A ghastly murder is committed in close proximity and what is this university professor most interested in ? The detective's sexual organ!

(spoiler) And the exploitation borders on irresponsibility. The detective describes in detail the technique and tools used by the murderer to sever the head of the principal character's sister. Come on!! Apart from having no sense of reality, doesn't this director have any feeling of responsibility towards the possible consequences of her actions like most of us have?

The camera work is hugely distracting. It is as if the director of photography decided that every trick and effect that the

equipment allows would be included in the film. The impression is that he or she kept trying to remind viewers, that, hey, he or she is there working very hard.

After two hours of this slow and boring stuff, a black screen appeared. I'm sure everyone in the cinema (about 10 people) prayed that our suffering was finally over. And lo and behold, it was over. Everyone immediately shot up and headed for the aisles some giggling others shaking their heads....

Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

Abysmal

[1/10 · 18 October 2003]

Abysmal, abysmal, abysmal.

It is the worst film my wife and I have ever seen. Well, close to the worst. Except for the old "well connected" geezer scenes, it is NOT funny. The plot is ridiculous. A bad, boring story badly, boringly told. The leading lady, lovely but vacuous. A cardboard cutout. The leading man, ugly and unfunny.

The type of film where you wear out your watch battery looking at the time and how long you have been suffering through it. How any reviewer can see any merit in it is beyond my understanding. We were ashamed of walking out of the theatre at the end of the film. Why had we not walked out at the beginning. Have we no taste ?

André

Bend It Like Beckham (2002)

amateurish

[4/10 · 3 May 2003]

Someone compared this film to My Big Fat Greek Wedding. While the Greek wedding film was not the greatest film ever made, it is light years distant from this one. The "Greek" film makes fun of certain harmless characteristics of the Greek community. This film tries to draw humour from a truly abhorent practice where mariage is used by parents to mate children not unlike breeders do with their animals. Yes, the Greeks also intensely hope that their children will marry other Greeks, but they do not go as far as actually arranging -or unarranging- marriages against their children wishes. Outside of a slap-stick scenario, such a situation, like child abuse or wife beating, can never be funny or amusing.

While the 3 or 4 young actors do a very creditable job, the same cannot be said of the rest of the performing and production crew. One cliché leads to another. Few scenes are truly humorous.

Generally speaking, one has the impression of seing a homemade video made by amateurs with access to professional equipment.

Lovely & Amazing (2001)

Not lovely and certainly not amazing

[13 September 2002]

After about twenty minutes of viewing, my wife suggested we leave. I said, let's wait, I think that they are just setting up the stage, it will get better probably.

We waited and waited and waited. Then after what seemed an eternity, and to our relief, the credits started mercifully rolling. One consolation: it is a relatively short film; we had wasted less than two hours.

How a film like this can be well rated by reviewers is beyond me.

The Bourne Identity (2002)

litmus test movie

[4/10 · 14 June 2002]

This film, along with Enough, are what I call litmus test films in my search for movie reviewers on which I can rely.

I use excruciatingly, no-doubt-about-it, obviously bad films as litmus tests in my evaluation of reviewers. This movie is an excellent test instrument.

Apart from spectacular views of Paris, there is very little entertainment in this badly directed movie where everything seems to be out of sync. . . In a negative way, it is everything OO7 films were not.

Mark The Reviewer, you made out list.

The lady from the Washington Post (Dasson?), you are forever off it.

Ali (2001)

real Ali absent

[5/10 · 11 January 2002]

I recall all the phases of Ali's career. This good movie does not come close to recreating the excitment of this man's achievements. The actor's delivery is wooden and lacks the sparkle of Ali's tirades. To those who are too young to have followed his career, believe me, Ali is a much much more powerful figure than what appears in this film. For one thing, his characteristic mischievousness is not evident in the film. Just looking at Ali made you feel good and happy (except if you were in the ring with him, I'm sure!)

I found that Ali's opponents were incredibly well casted. Howard Cosell is brilliantly interpreted.

And I also found that the fight scenes were extremely well done. No phony Rocky slug fest here.

Very enjoyable movie.

But Ali, you are the greatest, and nobody can do you. Ever.

Mulholland Drive (2001)

A dream best left untold.

[3/10 · 24 November 2001]

Can anything be more boring than having to listen to someone describe a dream he or she had recently? ( "And then, I... and then she....and then it....and then he ...and then I...and then she...and then he...")

Not until this film was made.

Kiss of the Dragon (2001)

Those Frenchmen again...

[5/10 · 7 July 2001]

Ho hum, the French police is portrayed as incompetent and corrupt...again. Why is it unthinkable that the locale for this film would have been England, and the bad cops, employees of Scotland Yard ? Is it because people are meaner if they have a foreign accent when they speak English ? Hummm...now this wouldn't be also be true of a person who speaks French (or any other languages) with an English accent, would it?

I know, I know, this is just an action film with no other pretense than high speed entertainment. I suppose that I should take some consolation in the fact that most people realize that if most guys and gals with French accents on screen are mean, stupid and unreliable, it does not mean that most guys and gals with French accents off screen are mean, stupid and unreliable.

You DO realize that, don't you ?

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

A noisy, witless film

[1 June 2001]

Unless you are craving to hear people screaming at each other or to sit through unimaginative choreography for two hours, avoid this disjointed cinematic contraption involving one of the least photogenic support cast I ever recall seeing on screen. Not only are they not a pleasant sight, but the director insists on constantly filling the screen with their grimacing faces. How much teeth, gums, tongue and bulging eyeballs can one stand ? The storyline is insipid, the acting mechanical, the editing choppy and distracting.

One thing is certain in my mind: if Moulin Rouge had offered the kind of noisy and uninspired music heard on this film, the chances are very slim that it would have been the setting for a film a century later.

Patch Adams (1998)

A classic example of.....

[19 March 1999]

...why American films are said to be primarily made for twelve-year old boys and girls.

A talented actor like Robin Williams should concentrate on what he does extraordinarily well (comedy) and leave the things that he does not so well at all (drama) on his wish-I-could list. As the saying goes, better let people believe you have the potential than go and prove otherwise.

As for one of the movie's motherhood messages, OF COURSE it would be nice if doctors made health&happiness as well as sickness&treatment their primary target. But given that our willingness to invest in medical services does not allow the medical profession to do BOTH, I think that the needs of people who are sick come before the needs of healthy people who wish to remain so.

Our "century old" medical traditions are shabbily defended by discredited characters in this movie. How easy it is to dismiss the fact that the 'silly' traditions of conventional medicine have doubled the lifespan of those who abide by them! As to whether those added years are happy years, well, is it too much to expect that individuals be responsible for SOME aspects of their lives ?

Life Is Beautiful (1997)

An unfunny, offensive and generally bad film

[2/10 · 26 February 1999]

In my view this is an awful film. Cliché ridden, woeful acting, idiotic storyline. Does anybody honestly believe that this otherwise smart kid would continue to believe the stupid story about the point gathering game ? Did we lose something in the subtitles ?

This is a totally unfunny comedy (unless one thinks that falling on the floor or getting an egg squashed on one's head is absolutely hilarious. I used to but I haven't for more years than I care to count.)

In my view, associating slapstick (and bad slapstick at that) with something as tragic as the holocaust borders on blasphemy. I felt sick in seeing this giggling buffoon prancing around trying to get a laugh in a concentration camp decor.

Throughout the presentation, I couldn't make up my mind whether that main actor reminded me more of Jerry Lewis at his worst or of one of the three Stooges, except that the latter comedians did at times succeed in making people of their era laugh. They did not always take for granted that laughter being contagious, all one has to do is giggle intermittently and the laughs will follow.

And no, the short scene depicting the bodies does NOT make up for the general lack of sensitivity displayed in the other 99.999% of this movie. In fact, this scene seems totally out of place in the storyline, as if the actor had mistakenly walked off the set. ...As if the ballet dancer had stepped on your toe.

Ponette (1996)

An amazing performance that goes beyond acting

[9/10 · 19 November 1998]

My wife and I viewed this film without any prior knowledge of its quality (or even of its existence!) To say the least, we were extremely impressed. We find it difficult to understand how the director managed to create situations where these wonderful children could perform so magnificently. The storyline is certainly simplistic, but the film's greatness comes from the marvelous interactions between the young children which go well beyond acting as we normally understand it. These interactions are so authentic that the storyline as such becomes a secondary consideration. One reviewer critized the 'fantasy' ending of the film saying that it somehow broke the flow of the story...

But, I for one appreciate the fact that the creators of this film allowed us to regain our composure before the lights went back on !