DaJ Reviews

Zardoz (1974)

Oh yeah...

[10/10 · 10 July 2005]

Without question, the most brilliant bad movie EVER made: Red man-panties, gun-vomiting hot air balloon stone heads, flying books on fishing line, neat-o dance numbers (or at least ballroom catharsis), magic marker facial hair, elitist-hippie government, inexplicable backward-masking (check out Friend in the kitchen), the ugliest bride in the history of cinema, cool jewelry, the Internet before the Internet was the Internet (or even computerized), Big Brother, HAL, and David Niven merged into one, lots of flowy sheer curtains, EXCELLENT decorating ideas, nifty forms of mass transit, a profound sense of anatomy, and, perhaps most chillingly, an apocalyptic warning that, if we do not change our ways, we face a future COMPLETELY DEVOID OF UNDERGARMENTS.

Genius. Simply genius.

NewsRadio (1995–1999)

In memoriam...

[18 May 1999]

Oh, NBC, why hast thou forsaken comedy? The NBC Fall '99 schedule has just been announced, and "NewsRadio", after four years of network abuse, has been cancelled. If anyone from NBC reads this, please make an effort to read the other user comments. Read the superlative praise. Notice how no one disliked this show. Know why, NBC? BECAUSE IT WAS THE FUNNIEST DAMN THING ON YOUR SCHEDULE. Thank you, however, for taking it away from us. Now the rest of your lineup won't look so mediocre in comparison.

When was there ever a more finely-tuned comedy ensemble on television? How many sitcoms today can even TOUCH the writing competency of this show? No, and bloody few. But in twisted network-programming logic, "Veronica's Closet", "Suddenly Susan", "Jesse", and 75 weekly installments of "Dateline NBC" will continue unscathed, while the best show NBC had has been killed off. Thank God we still have the aforementioned zeniths of mediocrity to captivate us, otherwise we might laugh every once in a while and thwart the plans of network executives everywhere to lull us into being nothing more than lethargic demographic groups with disposable income.

Family Guy (1999– )

I animate, therefore I am funny. Damn the rest of it.

[5 May 1999]

Now, I know prime-time animated shows have been on the upswing in the past few years, most likely as a result of TAKING AWAY CARTOONS ON SATURDAY MORNING, but that's a rant to be addressed elsewhere. In any case, I can understand why Fox wanted more cartoons in prime-time; what I can't understand is why they settled on this particular one. Just because it's a cartoon does not implicitly make it funny, which it is overwhelmingly not.

We've seen the big doofus dad before ("The Simpsons", "Dinosaurs", ad infinitum...), the smarter yet still doting mom (reference the same shows), the undersized megalomaniac ("Pinky & The Brain"), etc., etc., etc... So we don't have much original concept to work with, which would be okay if the script made up for it. Again, no jackpot. Aside from a few chuckles--mostly incited by the baby or the dog--nothing really entertains here. What's worse is the offensive, stupidity-mistaken-for-irreverence crudeness of some of the jokes. A female newscaster, thinking she's been knocked off the air, says, "Well, I hate black people." Ha. Ha. A child (in one of those incessantly annoying asides) holds up his JFK Pez dispenser, which promptly gets its head blown off by a bullet. He then remarks on how lucky he is to still have his Bobby Kennedy Pez dispenser, and... well, it's simply too asinine to recount.

Many people have stated how this show is the next "Simpsons". Wrong. Other than a general similarity in family structure, nothing else even compares. What "Family Guy" lacks most from "The Simpsons" is blatantly obvious, or should be: Writers. Humor. Satire. Everything that makes Homer and Co. so great is simply not in this show. With any luck, Fox will do some shuffling, put "King of the Hill" back on Sundays, rescue "The P.J.'s" from failing to deliver on the incredible potential it's been thus far ignoring, and send "The Family Guy" to a nice spot in Hell.

The Ninth Configuration (1980)

THIS is how to make a movie.

[10/10 · 8 March 1999]

I rented this film one night when I was tired of seeing the same things in the "New Releases" section, so I (shudder!) headed for the catalog titles, and picked this one out because--God, am I shallow--the cover looked interesting. Turning over to the back, I skimmed the summary, saw that it starred Mike Hammer and the guy who mooned us in the last season of "St. Elsewhere", so I thought that it may be just bad enough to be amusing. So I plunked down my three bucks and went home wondering if I wouldn't have just been better off watching reruns of "Married with Children" all night.

But I watched this movie. Then I rewound it and watched it again. Over the next three days, I watched and rewatched every frame of this masterpiece more times than I should publicly admit. I was moved beyond words, beyond being an audience. I became a disciple--even a proselyte--for this film. Stacy Keach completely astounded me, someone who knew him only as Mike Hammer. People, this man can ACT. I saw every demon his Colonel Kane carried with him. The rest of the cast, with a special metion for Scott Wilson's amazing performance as a tortured astronaut and for Ed Flanders, who kept his character's true motivation well hidden until it could stand to be covered no more, was perfect.

But this movie is, above all, about the writing and the direction. William Peter Blatty cared about his project, and the lucky few (sadly, VERY few) of us who shared in it were fortunate enough to see cinematic perfection virtually attained. Watch this film, let it develop, don't question where its motives are until it decides to let you in on them. Give it your full attention, and you will be rewarded with a treat we so tragically, rarely get to have. No special effects, no huge budget. Just artistry. Pure, refined artistry.

The Avengers (1998)

A remarkable accomplishment!

[1/10 · 15 February 1999]

Kudos to this film for achieving something no other film in recent memory could: It made me want to drive a stake through my heart just to end the misery.

Contact (1997)

Search, Forrest, search!

[28 January 1999]

It is rare, oh so painfully, tragically rare, that a big-budget, big-name star, big-director Hollywood feature film exudes even an ephemera of intellectual stimulation. This movie is, thank God (oooh! There's some irony!), one of the few in its genre that has a head on its CGI shoulders. I say "Thank God" because the subject matter of this film is far too important to corrupt with Hollywoodization. And it escaped intact.

Why is it that we must compartmentalize science and spirituality at opposite ends of the ideology bin? Simply finding out how things work does not implicitly exterminate the existence of God. Science scoffs at religion, religion rejects science... We are so determined to have an adversary that we refuse to see any truth in the other's existence. Why is that?

This film does not try to reject either viewpoint, as neither does Carl Sagan's original novel (recommended reading for those who have only seen the movie). Yes, the extremists in either camp are portrayed as buffoons, as rightfully they should be, but the core remains true. Sure, I would have liked some of the more schmaltzy "Forrest Gump" elements removed (Didn't we, after all, get sick of seeing that stupid compass?), but this is still a stunning, conversation-inducing experience. If your conversation about the film does not go on longer than the film itself did, then you most likely did not watch very closely.

Some have faulted Jodie Foster for her "overly intense" portrayal of Ellie Arroway, but I disagree. I could envision that character as no less. Besides, just watch Jodie as she sits in the chair of the capsule as she prepares to disembark. With one facial expression, she manages to convey a chaotic mix of fear, excitement, apprehension, elation, worry, and pride, and lets us see every facet clearly. Jodie, as far as I'm concerned, there is no finer actress than you.

If you liked this, also check out Darren Aronofsky's "Pi" (1998), another, smaller-budgeted but genius take on the science vs. God question.

Lawn Dogs (1997)

Not a pyrotechnic crew in sight. Thank God.

[10/10 · 27 January 1999]

Please allow me to say up front that I love "Star Wars". Great movie. A classic. But also the harbinger of the death sentence of magical, thought-provoking films like these. You see, "Star Wars" ushered in the technology-over-substance era of moviemaking, one in which a the utter lack of a script, quality performances, and masterful direction are obscured by a well-timed explosion. Or two to three hundred well-timed explosions.

"Lawn Dogs" owes little, if anything, to special effects. Sure, a little fantasy toward the end was done post-production, but it was a glorious exercise in masterful restraint. Few films have captured the complex symbiosis of the innocence of childhood coupled with modern loss of said innocence with such gut-wrenching impact. Devon wants to be a kid, but her entire environment is shielding her from that very same experience, all the while attempting to push her into class elitism. We feel for--and with--this kid. Mischa Barton delivers a touching, thoroughly captivating performance as the struggling tulip bulb overwhelmed by weeds. Keep your eyes on this young performer; I don't think this is by any means the last we'll see of her. Perhaps we will one day see her accepting an Oscar just like the last child actor we saw with this much depth: Jodie Foster.

Extra acclaim to the filmmakers for choosing my native Jefferson and Oldham Counties in Kentucky for the shoot. The little details alluding to the shoot location, along with many familiar sights, made this film a little sweeter treat.

Brazil (1985)

Why did this not win the Best Picture Oscar? Oh, yeah: It was *different*...

[10/10 · 19 October 1998]

Terry Gilliam is, hands down, the most original filmmaker working today--the crown prince worthy of occupying Orson Welles' extra-large throne. "Brazil" stands as his landmark achievement: Funny and satirical enough for the Monty Python crowd, yet simultaneously brilliant in its intellectual endeavors. Comedy with a brain.

Everything about the execution of this project simply reeks of genius. The script by Gilliam, Charles McKeown, and Tom Stoppard (whose "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" is of an equal measure of genius) keeps us just enough in the know so we can keep up with poor Sam Lowry but never a step ahead of him. The visuals, even thirteen years later, remain the standard by which all others must be judged. Gilliam's direction--in all its wicked originality--speaks volumes even when the characters' tongues are silent. And, of course, one of Jonathan Pryce's best performances cannot go unnoticed.

Not a movie for those who found "Total Recall" too confusing, but well worth the effort of concentration necessary to lift all the meaning out of a dense-pack of information.

I Married a Strange Person! (1997)

A definite watch-looker

[6/10 · 12 October 1998]

I find Bill Plympton's animation on MTV to be interesting. Having said that, I think this theatrical release proves that his work is best limited to the short format. Numerous times during the screening, I found myself looking at my watch and marvelling that only five more minutes had passed since the last time I looked. The jerky animation had only a little to do with it; it was just simply not all that interesting as a whole. Not bad, but definitely not all that good either.

Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead (1990)

Flawless exercise in high-brow lunacy.

[10/10 · 20 September 1998]

This is simply a wonderful, rewarding film. Although it helps greatly to be familiar with "Hamlet" (Shakespeare's play, not Mel Gibson's movie), even someone who is not readily acquainted with the story of the Danish prince can appreciate this movie on its own merits. It is rare that a movie attempts to make us laugh by making us think rather than heading for the bathroom humor, but this gem shines through the sh** heaped upon us by the "Ace Ventura" mindset. Wonderful performances by Tim Roth (underrated actor) and Gary Oldman (WAY underrated actor), and a razor-sharp script by Tom Stoppard contribute to a masterpiece that was, predictably, ignored by the Academy. Not for the Van Damme crowd (we have to have somewhere to hide from them...), but perfect for the snobs who think movies are an insult to literature.

A Christmas Story (1983)

Heeheehee, hooohoo hawhaw, hreek!

[10/10 · 20 September 1998]

In the mood for a Christmas movie? This is the one to watch (Let's face it, "It's a Wonderful Life does not take place exclusively around Christmas.

Not in the mood for a Christmas movie? Watch it anyway. This movie captures the idealism and--yes--SADISM of being a kid. Childhood is a motley mix of hero worship, toy envy, survival of the fittest, daily fear of something, extreme innocence, and the desire to be treated as a grown-up without having to actually put up with being one. "A Christmas Story" captures all elements with sardonic poignancy.

Pi (1998)

Brilliant, getcha-thinkin' synergy of science and spirituality.

[17 September 1998]

For far too long, the realms of Science and Religion have remained diametrically opposed, with each side refusing to acknowledge even an ephemera of truth in the other side's arguments. "Pi" is one of the pitifully few media representations which manages to INTELLIGENTLY present the spiritual side of science and the empirical side of spirituality.

While largely theory and/or fiction, "Pi" nonetheless makes a strong case for explaining the connection between a Creator and his methodology. We have determined the nature and physics of many things in the universe, and while we have yet far more to explain than that which we already know, we must realize that it is concievable that it could be possible to see how God runs things. Is there an upper limit to what we can know? Do we have the capability to become too close to God? With time, can we come to know so thoroughly what the universe is and does that we would no longer need God?

We need a truce between academia and ecclesiastica. "Pi" could be one of the first tiny steps in just that direction.