The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Lightspan Adventures (PS1) (2017)

James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd

Photos 

Quotes 

• Santa Claus : You see, Nerd, by playing these educational games, you'll repair your brain.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh yeah, Santa, thanks. That-that makes a lot of sense: use shitty games to fix my brain that's been fucked up by shitty games, you piece of shit!

  Santa Claus : You know what? You can just fuck right off, you cocksucker motherfucker.

• Santa Claus : Open the present, Nerd, I believe it will be the solution to all your problems.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This game is boring "as" fuck. The graphics are ugly "as" shit. The music is "like" having your ear holes fucked repeatedly by a flaming demon dildo. You see, I just shared three similes with you. That's a literary device using "like" or "as" to draw a comparison between two things.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : You see, everyone, a "noun" is a person, place, or thing, such as "shit", "ass", or "hell". An adjective describes something like "shitty", "assy", or "helly".

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : So, basically, it's a shitty version of Bill and Ted. Yeah! And Calamity Jane... uh, according to common history knowledge, she was an illiterate alcoholic prostitute... really great role model ya dug up, there, Lightspan!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Wow, could you imagine the conversation on the bus ride to school, Monday morning? Some kids talkin' about some awesome dinosaur game, Dino Crisis that he rented from Blockbuster, and then the other kid's like-like, "Oh yeah, I played a dinosaur game, too!" "Oh, yeah? Like-like, like what? Like, uh, Jurassic Park?" "No..." "Uh, Primal Rage?" "No..." "Um... om, yeah! You must mean Turok!" "No, no, not that-" "Well, what game was it?" "Math on the Move..." And then everyone laughs at ya... including the bus driver.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Well, these games may be the electronic manifestation of bovine and canine fecal matter. I am, however, noticing favorable increases in my linguistic skills. Hm. I think it's now time to improve my arithmetic.

  [pauses] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Shit-piss-fuck! Monkey-cheese, shit-pickle!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I'd rather have Captain Nemo pilot the Nautilus directly into my jejunum! That's the portion of the small intestine, between the ileum and the duodenum. In layman's terms, pretty far up my fuckin' asshole! Confound this repugnant discharge to the inferno of the future state of the wicked! For I and the exasperated electronic amusement connoisseur, and to everyone, everywhere, enjoy your winter solstice holidays.