- Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay, now I know this is going to sound utterly insane to most of you, and your first instinct will be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing. Now... Kelly?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: We're diverting course to Moclus to... watch Bortus pee.
- Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: You wanna... you wanna elaborate on that?
- Lt. Alara Kitan: If you want to be alone, I could take off.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: No, no. You're all good.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: It's just, um, I see you in here a lot lately, you know, after-hours.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Oh, my god. Don't tell me the crew is talking.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: No! No, nothing like that. It's just... look, I know it's none of my business, but if you ever need an ear, I've got two big, pointy ones.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, that's nice of you, but there's nothing I can tell you the whole crew doesn't already know.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Believe me, I get it. I'm used to people talking about my love life.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on this ship.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: How so?
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Well, we both know we're good at our jobs. And yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: [listening to "As Time Goes By" on an old-school record player] How long you had that thing?
- Olix: I had the computer replicate it last week. I'm trying to warm the place up a little bit, you know? Get a... nice vibe going.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: The "late-night jazz, depressed guy at the bar" vibe? I can help you with that.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: You know what the worst days are, Olix? The days when you can't stay busy. No... Krill confrontations, no spatial anomalies, just nothing going on. And all your thoughts just march inward.
- Olix: So, most days.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: [approaching] Hey. You mind if I join you?
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Alara. No, pull up a chair. I can use an extra liver.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Xelayans don't have livers.
- Lt. Janel Tyler: Can I ask our course heading?
- Capt. Ed Mercer: We're on our way to watch our second officer go to the bathroom.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Hey, Bortus, pull up a chair.
- Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: I do not wish to imbibe, sir. I am here to request that we alter course.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Alter course? To where?
- Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Moclus.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. This is... this is not another baby thing, is it?
- Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: Sir, you are aware that Mochlans urinate only once per year.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: I am, yeah.
- Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: It is... my time.
- Olix: Well, you wanted something to do.
- Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: The ceremony is followed by a celebration, for which the captain has allowed the use of the Orville's mess hall. You are all invited to attend with a mate.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Okay. Any questions?
- Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr: Yeah, like, a million, but I'm not gonna ask.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Union Central has granted clearance for the diversion, as the course aligns with Outpost 58, where, as you all know, we're scheduled to take on board our new dark matter cartographer. And Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: [snickering, then to Bortus] No, it's... it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done.
- Dr. Claire Finn: [after an argument with Marcus] Nobody told me it would be this bad.
- Isaac: Is there a reason your son has become uncharacteristically combative?
- Dr. Claire Finn: Isaac, I have no idea. I never raised a teenager before, and I don't have a clue as to how to get to him. It's like he hates me for no reason.
- Isaac: Have you examined him for unidentified viruses or neurological disease?
- Dr. Claire Finn: No, of course not.
- Isaac: If he is carrying a biological foreign agent that could infect the rest of the crew...
- Dr. Claire Finn: No, Isaac, he's... he's not sick. He's just... growing up, and I can't stop it.
- Isaac: Are there not chemical compounds that could effectively stunt his physical development?
- Dr. Claire Finn: My gosh, what's the matter with you?
- Isaac: I am merely trying to assist.
- Lt. Cmdr. Bortus: What is the problem?
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Gordon has a crush on the new cartographer.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: I don't have a crush, for god's sake.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: [mouthing] He does.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: I just wanna know what her deal is, you know? And I thought maybe I would see if she wanted to go to Bortus' Ja'loja party.
- Lt. Alara Kitan: Well, then ask her.
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: Well, how do you think I should do that? "Hey, I'm Gordon. You like to pee"?
- Cassius: Hey.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Hi.
- Cassius: How you doing?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [they kiss] Mm. Better than you, apparently. Man, those kids are rough.
- Cassius: Yeah, I've seen a lot worse. You know, I expect it from James, but I'm a little concerned Marcus is getting caught up in it. He's a good kid.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Well, he has a great mom, and a really great teacher.
- Cassius: Mm.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: So I'm not too worried.
- Cassius: We still doing dinner tonight?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: You bet. And there's something I want to ask you.
- Cassius: What?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [coyly evasive] I'll tell you at dinner.
- Cassius: Oh, no, no. Come on, you can't do that.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: It'll keep you in suspense.
- Cassius: Just tell me.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: If you're charming enough tonight.
- Cassius: I'm always charming.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Good. Then you'll get to hear it.
- Dr. Claire Finn: [after Marcus is caught with a bottle of alcohol] I'm starting to think that I suck at this parenting thing.
- Isaac: I must agree with that assessment.
- Dr. Claire Finn: [insulted] Well, what would you have done?
- Isaac: My anthropological studies have revealed many different methods of discipline employed throughout human history. Perhaps compulsory consumption of further quantities of alcohol will diminish his desire for the substance.
- Dr. Claire Finn: Pour booze down his throat until he can't handle any more?
- Isaac: Precisely.
- Dr. Claire Finn: Yeah, that's called murder, Isaac. That's not gonna work.
- Isaac: I see. I thank you for allowing me to observe this conflict, Doctor. It has been most illuminating.
- Dr. Claire Finn: [sarcastic] Oh, always here to entertain.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: [after she caught Ed spying on her and Cassius] Are you kidding me?
- Cassius: What?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: What do you mean "What"? "We've all been there"? That's your response?
- Cassius: I don't know. Haven't you ever done a drive-by?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No. Have you?
- Cassius: Well... I might've, once or twice.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: My god. Every man in the galaxy is a psychopath.
- Cassius: Look, he's hurt. It sucks. We all can relate to it. He acted rashly, but I think it's okay for us to be understanding.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Do you always have to do that?
- Cassius: Do what?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Be so... evolved.
- Cassius: I just don't understand why you're upset with me.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Honestly? Because your high road attitude is making me feel like I'm overreacting, when I know for a fact that I am right.
- Cassius: Do you want me to be jealous?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: No! I mean... I don't know. Yeah. Yes. Maybe a little.
- Cassius: I don't see how that's productive.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: What, um What was it you said that made her walk out?
- Cassius: Oh well, I was actually defending you and she said I was being too evolved. And I told her to calm down.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Ooooo, you didn't say calm down?
- Cassius: I did.
- Capt. Ed Mercer: Ooooo.