The Orville (TV Series)
Ja'loja (2018)
Seth MacFarlane: Capt. Ed Mercer
Photos
Quotes
-
Capt. Ed Mercer : I had to get some air.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson : We're in space.
-
Capt. Ed Mercer : Okay, now I know this is going to sound utterly insane to most of you, and your first instinct will be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously, so I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing. Now... Kelly?
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson : We're diverting course to Moclus to... watch Bortus pee.
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr : You wanna... you wanna elaborate on that?
-
Lt. Alara Kitan : If you want to be alone, I could take off.
Capt. Ed Mercer : No, no. You're all good.
Lt. Alara Kitan : It's just, um, I see you in here a lot lately, you know, after-hours.
Capt. Ed Mercer : Oh, my god. Don't tell me the crew is talking.
Lt. Alara Kitan : No! No, nothing like that. It's just... look, I know it's none of my business, but if you ever need an ear, I've got two big, pointy ones.
Capt. Ed Mercer : Well, that's nice of you, but there's nothing I can tell you the whole crew doesn't already know.
Lt. Alara Kitan : Believe me, I get it. I'm used to people talking about my love life.
Capt. Ed Mercer : You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on this ship.
Lt. Alara Kitan : How so?
Capt. Ed Mercer : Well, we both know we're good at our jobs. And yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics.
-
Capt. Ed Mercer : [listening to "As Time Goes By" on an old-school record player] How long you had that thing?
Olix : I had the computer replicate it last week. I'm trying to warm the place up a little bit, you know? Get a... nice vibe going.
Capt. Ed Mercer : The "late-night jazz, depressed guy at the bar" vibe? I can help you with that.
-
Capt. Ed Mercer : You know what the worst days are, Olix? The days when you can't stay busy. No... Krill confrontations, no spatial anomalies, just nothing going on. And all your thoughts just march inward.
Olix : So, most days.
Lt. Alara Kitan : [approaching] Hey. You mind if I join you?
Capt. Ed Mercer : Alara. No, pull up a chair. I can use an extra liver.
Lt. Alara Kitan : Xelayans don't have livers.
-
Lt. Janel Tyler : Can I ask our course heading?
Capt. Ed Mercer : We're on our way to watch our second officer go to the bathroom.
-
Capt. Ed Mercer : Hey, Bortus, pull up a chair.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus : I do not wish to imbibe, sir. I am here to request that we alter course.
Capt. Ed Mercer : Alter course? To where?
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus : Moclus.
Capt. Ed Mercer : Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. This is... this is not another baby thing, is it?
-
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus : Sir, you are aware that Mochlans urinate only once per year.
Capt. Ed Mercer : I am, yeah.
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus : It is... my time.
Olix : Well, you wanted something to do.
-
Lt. Cmdr. Bortus : The ceremony is followed by a celebration, for which the captain has allowed the use of the Orville's mess hall. You are all invited to attend with a mate.
Cmdr. Kelly Grayson : Okay. Any questions?
Lt. Cmdr. John LaMarr : Yeah, like, a million, but I'm not gonna ask.
Capt. Ed Mercer : Union Central has granted clearance for the diversion, as the course aligns with Outpost 58, where, as you all know, we're scheduled to take on board our new dark matter cartographer. And Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself.
Lt. Gordon Malloy : [snickering, then to Bortus] No, it's... it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you.
Capt. Ed Mercer : Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done.
-
Capt. Ed Mercer : What, um What was it you said that made her walk out?
Cassius : Oh well, I was actually defending you and she said I was being too evolved. And I told her to calm down.
Capt. Ed Mercer : Ooooo, you didn't say calm down?
Cassius : I did.
Capt. Ed Mercer : Ooooo.
-
Capt. Ed Mercer : I am going to go now and bang my head against a wall.
