The Good Place (TV Series)

Team Cockroach (2017)

Ted Danson: Michael

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Quotes 

• Tahani Al-Jamil : Oh, no. I died in *Cleveland*?

  Michael : I don't think that should be your biggest takeaway from that story.

• Michael : Everyone in the Bad Place Bureau of Human Affairs gets randomly assigned a human body so we can get the feel of how best to torture you. I gotta say, it took me a long time to get used to the hanging bits.

  Eleanor Shellstrop : Gross!

  Michael : Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, Eleanor. I was talking about my testicles.

• Michael : You know, in all the reboots, I never showed you how you died. I was saving it in case I ever needed to really make you miserable. But it's hilarious. Of course, I mean sad.

• Michael : How do I explain this? I'm basically an exterminator and you're cockroaches. My job was to squish you and poison you and yet, somehow, my very survival now depends on you, the cockroaches, agreeing to help me. That's funny.

  Eleanor Shellstrop : We're cockroaches to you?

  Michael : Yeah. Or dung beetles. I don't know. Something small and gross that creeps on the ground in its own filth. Just being honest.

• Michael : One of my employees is blackmailing me. Vicky. She runs the clam chowder place in the main square, A Little Bit Chowder Now.

  Tahani Al-Jamil : Oh, the place with the-the chowder fountain?

  Eleanor Shellstrop : No, that's Pump Up the Clam. A Little Bit Chowder Now has the lazy river of chowder.

  [gagging] 

  Eleanor Shellstrop : How did we ever think this was the Good Place?

• Eleanor Shellstrop : You wanna team up? You've been torturing us and lying about it.

  Michael : Oh, let's not get caught up on who lied to whom or which one of us created an entire fake reality in order to cause eternal misery for the others. That's ancient history.

  Chidi Anagonye : It was happening until twenty seconds ago.

• Michael : Look, I created this neighborhood as a way to torture the four of you, psychologically, for thousands of years. And you keep figuring it out and taking all the fun out of it.

  Chidi Anagonye : Fun?

• Michael : Guys, there's no debate here. My boss gave me two chances to make this work. Suffice to say, I tried more than two times. If he finds out, we're all in hot water. Literally, they will boil us. We will be the main ingredient in a chowder of pain.

• Michael : I'm an immortal being with abilities you can only dream...

  Eleanor Shellstrop : Yeah and we're an Arizona dirtbag, a human turtleneck, a narcissistic monster, and literally the dumbest person I've ever met.

  Jason Mendoza : And who am I? Describe me now!

• Michael : We're running out of time, and I'm your only option.

  Eleanor Shellstrop : A lot of guys your age said that to me just as the bar was about to close. But I never settled for them. Because my ex-boyfriend lived nearby, he was obsessed with me and he never slept because he was addicted to Adderall. There is always another option.