- Eleanor Shellstrop: I don't know if what I'm going to say will hurt or help, but screw it. Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it is like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So...
- [Shrugs shoulders]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: We're all a little bit sad, all the time. That's just the deal.
- Michael: Sounds like a crappy deal.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Well, yeah, it is, but we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try to ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there - everybody's been there. So don't fight it. And in the words of a very wise Bed, Bath and Beyond employee I once knew, "Go ahead and cry all you want, but you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger".
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Man, Michael is not into your class. Right now, I'm the best student. I'm going to be the velociraptor.
- Chidi Anagonye: You trying to say "valedictorian?"
- Jason Mendoza: Listen, back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew. Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in 5 categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Eight isn't bad, I suppose.
- Jason Mendoza: No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of one to thirteen, but eight was highest. The scale went up and back down, like a tent.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Why? It's not important.
- Jason Mendoza: Lately, you've been really down on yourself, but you're the most amazing person I've ever met, besides Michael. And he was constantly torturing us, so I'd only rank him a ten.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Which is worse than an eight? That's so unnecessarily confusing.
- Jason Mendoza: The point is, you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. Never seen you dance, but I bet you're good because you're good at everything. You're awesome. Be nicer to yourself.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Thank you, Jason.
- [Hands him a glass of champagne]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: From one eight to another.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Dude, you broke Michael!
- Chidi Anagonye: No, no, this is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: And what if he can't?
- Chidi Anagonye: Well, then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever and we're all doomed.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [to Michael] Hey, buddy. How you doing? Can I get you a snack? Do you eat? I can never remember. What do you eat? Babies? Do you want me to get you a big fat baby? What flavor baby?
- [gasps]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: How about a Cool Ranch baby?
- Michael: [in ethics class with Chidi] I've read everything on your syllabus and how do I put this delicately? It's all... stupid garbage.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Red alert. Red alert. We need help.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: What's wrong with Michael?
- Jason Mendoza: Uh-oh, I know that look. He just snorted a bunch of printer toner.
- [Eleanor is shopping in Target and comes across a toothbrush holder with four toothbrushes in it]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What's this? Who has four toothbrushes? Like, Bill Gates or something?
- Shop assistant: No, that's like, for a family.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Family? Like, a whole family and their toothbrushes all together? Two slots for the parent toothbrushes and two slots for their kids?
- Shop assistant: Yep.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: So the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and watch over them and...
- [Eleanor begins to find the concept so poignant that she chokes up and starts sniffling]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: They can all talk about their toothbrush feelings. And they can hold their little toothbrush hands when they're sad? Make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?
- Shop assistant: Sure.
- [Eleanor starts crying and hyperventilating. She turns her shopping cart around and sobs into a plunger]
- Shop assistant: Oh, um, do you need Kleenex?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Thank you. Sorry. I'm so embarrassed.
- [She looks at the tissue box and realizes it's...]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: A family pack?
- [She sobs even harder]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Coast is clear. Not a demon in sight. Except for, you know...
- [Points to Michael]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Is that what we should call you? "Demon"?
- Michael: Well, I mean, it's not really accurate, and we consider it to be a little racist.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Look, dude, this isn't your fault. You've been teaching him ethics for half an hour and he's been evil since the beginning of time.
- Chidi Anagonye: Oh! Maybe the reason Michael can't latch onto the ideas is because he's immortal. Look, if you live forever, then ethics don't matter to you, because, basically, there's no consequences for your actions. You tell a lie, who cares? Wait a few trillion years, the guilt will fade. Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about. That life has an end and, therefore, our actions have meaning.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
- Chidi Anagonye: You mean a skirt?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No! Thi... You're not getting it, and my thing is different, so shut up.
- Chidi Anagonye: An existential crisis is an acknowledgement that life is absurd and that absurdity needs to be confronted. But this is just denial. And at any moment, that denial could collapse and he'll be a mess. He is a Jenga tower of sadness.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: For an immortal being, he's pretty fragile. I mean, the guy contemplates his own death for one forking minute and completely loses his grip on reality?
- [last lines]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: [in bed together] So, um, we should probably discuss...
- Jason Mendoza: That was awesome!
- Tahani Al-Jamil: It was.
- [sighs]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Surprisingly so. But we should still discuss...
- Jason Mendoza: Want some breakfast? I know how to make cereal.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Sure, but, Jason, we should...
- Jason Mendoza: Okay, be right back.
- [jumps out of bed]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: This is so depressing. I'm being forced to throw a party that I know will fail.
- Jason Mendoza: That's why you're doing this. It's what you're best at. Just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut.
- Donna Shellstrop: Listen, baby. Don't be sad, okay? Your father wasn't great. Let's call him what he was. A fart in the shape of a man.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Can you just chill? I don't want to turn dad's funeral into a roast.
- Donna Shellstrop: I'm not. I'm just saying he sucked. I mean, the only photo they could get of him was a mugshot.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: I really thought I could throw a better party than a magical, all-powerful being. And moreover, what does this say about me, about the way I lived? The way they're torturing me is through event-planning, and it *works*. Am I really that shallow?
- Michael: So that's their plan.
- Jason Mendoza: This doesn't seem so bad.
- Michael: Yeah, it really tugs my nuggets.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: I'm leaving. I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.
- Jason Mendoza: Why? There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride, and a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos with actual hippos. This party is way better than ours. Why are you miserable?
- [realizing]
- Jason Mendoza: Oh...
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I think Vicky bought his excuse, but we need to snap him out of this. Which one of these confusing French books will make him normal again?
- Chidi Anagonye: It's not that easy. I mean, emotionally, he's all over the map right now. And I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't think this can be solved with a book.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What's the big whoop? I dealt with death and I was fine.
- Chidi Anagonye: Were you? You never had one moment where you were freaked out by the permanence of death? Never one moment like that?
- Michael: [all laid back] I mean, anger is toxic. I'm not about that negativity. Mi torture es su torture. I am so happy you're in charge. Okay, well, good. Namaste, chica.
- [chuckles]
- Michael: Do you want to dance?
- Vicky: No.
- Michael: Okay. I'm leaving. I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second.