A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV Series)

The Austere Academy: Part 2 (2018)

Neil Patrick Harris: Count Olaf

Photos 

Quotes 

• Vice-Principal Nero : I need a few minutes to rosin my bow.

  Count Olaf : Don't say that in front of the children.

• Count Olaf : I was young. I was finding myself. You know, trying out new fashion, new music, playing with matches.

• Lemony Snicket : This story ends the way all stories end - with the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. That motto is, "Memento Mori," and it means...

  Count Olaf : Remember, you will die.

• Hook-Handed Man : I had it tough at school too. Did I ever tell you what my nickname was?

  Count Olaf : Did you ever tell me what your name was?

• Vice-Principal Nero : O.K., everyone, settle down.

  Count Olaf : Settle down? Do you hear what Vice Principal Shapiro just said?

  Vice-Principal Nero : Nero.

  Count Olaf : How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth. "Settle," a word which here means, "Settling for less" and, "Down." My personal least favorite direction. Let me tell you a story. Some years ago, a woman came to me. She needed my help. "Coach Genghis," she said to me, "I'm a failure. I have no job. My love life is in the pits. I can't seem to lose these last 20 lbs." I bet that describes just about each and every one of you. Am I right?

  Vice-Principal Nero : They're schoolchildren.

  Count Olaf : Exactly. And what did I say to her? Do you think I told her to settle down?... I told her to stand up. I told her to actualize and incentivize. I told her to keep her eyes in the clouds and her feet on the stars. Do you know what happened? She died in a mysterious fire.

  Vice-Principal Nero : Wait, what?

  Count Olaf : Settling down is what losers do.

• [last lines] 

  Lemony Snicket : If you have lost a friend, you know it makes your world feel incomplete, like a puzzle with a piece missing, or one half of a broken spyglass. I'm sorry to tell you that this story does not end with the rescue of two brave and noble triplets. This story ends the way all stories end. With the motto of Prufrock Preparatory School. That motto is "memento mori," and it means...

  Count Olaf : Remember, you will die.

  [chuckles deviously] 

• Count Olaf : My whole life is just going around and around in circles, like one of those things a hamster plays on before you put it in the oven.

• Count Olaf : My body is a temple. I would never sully my skin the way so many young people do nowadays, with their hedonistic lifestyle of loud music and abstinence.

• Count Olaf : I feel it. Can you feel it, Caligula?

  Vice-Principal Nero : Nero.

• Count Olaf : This school has a new kind of spirit energy. A sense of unity and joy which you usually cannot find unless you are at a birthday party or a public hanging.

• Arthur Poe : I'm Arthur Poe from Mulctuary Money Management.

  Count Olaf : I know who you are.

  Arthur Poe : Really? You do?

  Count Olaf : Uh, it's my job to know. I'm a gym teacher.

  Arthur Poe : Obviously. You're a grown man wearing athletic shoes.

• Count Olaf : I guess those who can't do, teach.

• Count Olaf : My whole life is just going around and around in circles. Like one of those things a hamster plays on before you put it in the oven.

• Count Olaf : Tell me, would you ever be interested in a self-actualization workshop held in the vault of your bank?

• Count Olaf : Hey, Gomorrah! Sass!

  Mr. Remora : It's Mrs. Bass, and my name is Remora.

  Count Olaf : We'll find out who's full of "remora" soon enough.

• Count Olaf : Do you hear what Vice Principal Nero just said? "Settle down." How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth. "Settle," a word which here means "settling for less," and "down," my personal least favorite direction.

• Mr. Poe : You can't argue with technology.

  Count Olaf : Well said, Hat Stevens. You must be a very self-actualized person.

• Count Olaf : [to Klaus]  My body is a temple, young man. I would never sully my skin the way so many young people do nowadays with their hedonistic lifestyle of loud music and abstinence.