- Beth Pearson: You know I think you're funny, Kevin.
- Kevin Pearson: I know. You laughed at all my jokes that night on the phone.
- Beth Pearson: Wait a minute. You were on the line, too?
- Kevin Pearson: Yeah.
- Beth Pearson: Mm-mm. Forget it. I don't even want to know.
- Kevin Pearson: Some things are better left unsaid.
- Rebecca Pearson: You kicked this once before, you will kick it again.
- Jack Pearson: It was not easy, Bec, back then.
- Rebecca Pearson: But you stopped. Right?
- Jack Pearson: Yeah.
- Rebecca Pearson: I asked you to stop drinking, and you stopped. You did stop?
- Jack Pearson: It's only been these last few months this time.
- Rebecca Pearson: How did you stop before, Jack?
- Kate Pearson: Tobe? Where's that punch bowl that my mom sent us? If we don't put it out, she's gonna think that we don't use it.
- Toby Damon: We don't use it.
- Kate Pearson: She can't know that!
- Kate Pearson: You overcompensate for me, mom, and you always have. And here I am, a 37 year old woman, and you still make me feel like a stupid... fat little kid.
- Rebecca Pearson: I'm sorry. What have I ever done to make you feel like that?
- Kate Pearson: I'm not gonna do this.
- Rebecca Pearson: Kate. I want to know. What have I ever done?
- Kate Pearson: You existed. It's everything about you, mom. It's not just that you're beautiful or thin. Or that you have perfect pitch even when you talk. It's everything. And you wanted a daughter like you, and I was never gonna be you.
- Rebecca Pearson: No. No. I never wanted you to be like me, Kate.
- Kate Pearson: Oh, no. You wanted me to be the you that you never became.
- [silence]
- Kate Pearson: Well, you did it, ma. You got me to say terrible, unfair things. Least you could do is say something terrible back.
- Rebecca Pearson: I... I just can't think of anything that would be... quite that terrible, is the thing. You're my entire life, Kate. You know that. You and your brothers are my entire life.
- Rebecca Pearson: Am I crazy, or am I doing what she says I'm doing and making her feel...
- Toby Damon: Okay, okay. B-between you and me, I think that she is super-sensitive around you. And obviously, I don't know the whole history, but as much as I want you to like me...
- Rebecca Pearson: Mm-hmm.
- Toby Damon: ...you need to know that I am Team Kate for life. Like, that's the deal here. So I can't have you putting me in a position where I bring you to a show that she doesn't want you at, and you can't ask me to side with you, okay? Because... Team Kate. Forever. That's how this works.
- Rebecca Pearson: Got it. Okay.
- Toby Damon: Okay. Uh, shall we commence the awkward car ride home?
- Kevin Pearson: I know this whole thing seems stupid, but this is a big deal to me, you know? I mean, you're here, right? My whole family's flying in. "The Man-ny" made me, Soph. It made me, and then it ruined me. And now they ask me to return to do this special episode, but really I'm just returning to the scene of the crime. Right? Let's be honest. I really need tonight to go well. You know? I... I need to prove to everyone that I'm the bigger man. But, like, the funnier bigger man. You know what I need? I need it to go like when George Clooney returned to do that last episode of "ER". Do you remember that? That was cool. That's what I need. That's what I'm going for. I need people to love me the way they loved Clooney.
- Sophie: This is your least attractive side. You know that, right?
- Beth Pearson: We have to do this? We really have to travel across country to see a taping of the least funniest show in the world?
- Randall Pearson: Yeah, we do. And don't do that with the "not funny". Kevin's sensitive; he already feels like you don't think he's funny.
- Beth Pearson: I don't think he's funny.
- Randall Pearson: Well, don't say that.
- Beth Pearson: You know we have to tell the girls, right? We're gonna foster a kid, bring another child into the home, they need to know about it.
- Randall Pearson: I know.
- Beth Pearson: Well, how come you haven't filled out your forms, then, man? I finished mine.
- Randall Pearson: What, you want a cookie?
- Beth Pearson: Well, we told the social worker we'd have it to her by the end of the day today, so...
- Randall Pearson: I'll fill mine out on the plane, I promise. It's just so comprehensive. And the questions are so personal. "Are you usually home from work by 6:00 p.m.?", "Do you spend time in nature?", "Are you sexually satisfied by your partner?". What the hell does that have to do with what kind of foster parent I'll be? What did you put for that one, by the way?
- Beth Pearson: I put "Generally yes."
- Randall Pearson: Uh-huh.
- Beth Pearson: "Except when I want a quickie and my husband needs too much romancing."
- Randall Pearson: What? You can't...
- [realizing she's joking]
- Randall Pearson: That's not funny.
- Beth Pearson: Neither is your brother.
- Sophie: [on the "Man-ny" set] Will you do your meltdown for me?
- Kevin Pearson: Huh?
- Sophie: That thing from TMZ when you quit.
- Kevin Pearson: No!
- Sophie: Oh, come on. It was my favorite thing from the show.
- Kevin Pearson: Babe, that was not part of the show. That... That was a... that was a bad moment in my life.
- Kevin Pearson: [giving his family a tour of the "Man-ny" set] All right, you guys, I got to go get ready. So do me a favor, can you please be nice to Sophie? Please?
- Kate Pearson: Kev, you know we like her more than you.
- Sophie: This is what I keep telling him.
- Toby Damon: [Kate ends a phone call] Who was that?
- Kate Pearson: It was the house band that I sent my demo to.
- Toby Damon: Shut up.
- Kate Pearson: They need me to fill in tonight. Their singer got strep throat.
- Toby Damon: That is awesome. I knew strep throat had a purpose. Good for strep throat.
- Kevin Pearson: Casey adjusted the last scene. He's trying to humiliate me. I had this whole vision of how this was gonna go. It's gonna be mortifying.
- Sophie: Look, you came here to be Clooney. Right? You think Clooney loved it when he had to go back to "ER"...
- Kevin Pearson: You mean to reunite with Julianna Margulies in Seattle?
- Sophie: Yeah, that's right. I love that episode.
- Kevin Pearson: Yeah.
- Sophie: That was a bad example. Look, Kevin, th-this stupid show does not define you anymore. Right? You... you came here to do a job, to rise above. So jut be the bigger man. Be Clooney. Otherwise, what are we even doing here?
- Manny PA: [approaching] Hey, Kevin, uh, we need you for the quick change.
- Kevin Pearson: Okay. Clooney. I'm gonna Clooney the hell out of this thing.
- Randall Pearson: What if we get a kid that has serious issues that we're not prepared for?
- Beth Pearson: Randall, no, we don't know what kind of child we're gonna get, but we didn't know what kind of kids we were gonna get the first two times, and they turned out okay, didn't they?
- Randall Pearson: But what if they didn't turn out anything? What if they were just great to begin with? Don't you ever think about that?
- Beth Pearson: Think about what?
- Randall Pearson: Maybe we didn't do that much, Beth. I mean, Tess self-soothed from two weeks old. Annie was sleeping ten hours a night from infancy. Remember how other parents would talk about their sleepless nights and their terrible babies? Remember how we used to have to fake it? What parents pretend to be tired, Beth? And now we're gonna potentially introduce a kid with these kind of issues into our home.
- Beth Pearson: Randall, you're being ridiculous.
- Randall Pearson: And I think you're being reckless.
- Beth Pearson: Randall, you wanted to adopt. And now you're Randalling out on me like this was my idea.
- Randall Pearson: Okay, stop making my name a thing.
- Kevin Pearson: You know my brother doesn't anything unless he's positive he'll succeed at it, right?
- Beth Pearson: I know it. I... I guess that's true.
- Kevin Pearson: I mean, there was this one time, this... this one time his entire life. It was in college, and you know, this girl at a party... this really, really, like, badass, dreadlocked girl, who was, by the way, like - let's be honest - seventeen times out of his nerdy, sweater-vested-wearing league. He had no shot in hell at her. But he, uh... he asked her out anyway. He called her on the phone.
- Beth Pearson: Good god, he was so nervous, he made me sweat.
- Kevin Pearson: Yeah, I bet.
- Beth Pearson: I still remember his opening line, you know? It was so cheesy. He was like "You don't know who I am..."
- Kevin Pearson: "But you're about to."
- Beth Pearson: Wait.
- Kevin Pearson: I'm sorry, you thought Randall had that kind of game at nineteen? Who do you think was Cyrano-ing the entire thing?
- Beth Pearson: Wait a minute. You?
- Kevin Pearson: You... Beth, you fell for the Man-ny's game. Now, you sit there, and you just think about that for a second, little bit.
- Beth Pearson: Oh, no. It hurts.
- Kevin Pearson: Yeah.
- Beth Pearson: Damn. I got got.
- Kevin Pearson: You know, Beth, that's the only time in my brother's entire life that he's actually risked failure. It's the only time. You know how hard that was for him? How scary that was for him? The man was terrified.
- Jack Pearson: Part of the reason your mom and I had a fight... Katie girl, I... I have a drinking problem. And my father, he had a drinking problem. And I've kept that hidden from you guys because... because I... I didn't want you to know that about me. I really didn't want you to know that about me. But you have to know. And...
- [Kate cups his face in her hands]
- Jack Pearson: I'm sorry. I never wanted to disappoint you. But I have to be honest with you guys, because I need you guys.