Conan O'Brien: [discussing Martin Luther King Day] This icon of the Civil Rights Movement is especially relevant these days, when hateful rhetoric and the forces of intolerance once again threaten Reverend King's dream of a society where people are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. That's why today, I hold hands with my African-American brothers and sisters to honor his struggle, because as Dr. King said, "Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor, it must be demanded-"
Mike Merritt: [inner monologue] Ugh, there he goes again. What does this walking string of store-bought spaghetti know about the black experience? Conan's so white, he thinks a fist bump is a skin condition. He makes Mike Pence look like Malcolm X. What does Conan know about Martin Luther King, other than telling his GPS to avoid streets with that name? One time, Conan came up to me and said, "I love hip hop. I have all their albums." He thinks "Black Lives Matter" is a new Ben & Jerry's flavor. His favorite black actor is Lego Batman. Conan's so scared of black people, if a commercial for "Empire" comes on TV, his burglar alarm goes off. Hey Conan, I have a dream: That after twenty years of working here, you finally learn my name, you vanilla cupcake dipped in mayonnaise and served on a J. Crew catalog albino string bean.
Conan O'Brien: ...Which is why we're all part of this beautiful mosaic that is mankind! Thank you so much!
[audience cheers]