- Dr. Aronov: This is Janice Lee, one of our most brilliant young physicists.
- Dr. Claire Finn: [shaking hands] Hello.
- Janice Lee: Hi.
- Dr. Aronov: Janice has been experimenting with temporal fields and has made... well, a breakthrough would be an understatement.
- [Janice sets a banana on the table, then taps on her hand-held pad; an electric bubble covers the banana, and it rapidly rots]
- Ed Mercer: So, it's an anti-banana ray?
- Kelly Grayson: It's really interesting.
- Ed Mercer: We need no longer fear the banana.
- Kelly Grayson: Does it work on all fruit?
- Ed Mercer: What about salads?
- Dr. Aronov: Do you understand what happened to this banana? It's rotten because a month has passed.
- Ed Mercer: Since we got here? Yeah, that's what it feels like.
- Ed Mercer: Dr. Claire Finn. You're my chief medical officer, yes?
- Dr. Claire Finn: Yes, sir, I am. Welcome aboard.
- Ed Mercer: Your credentials are exceptional. Molecular surgery, DNA engineering, psychiatry. You could be posted on a heavy cruiser. What are you doing on the Orville?
- Dr. Claire Finn: I always request my transfers based on where I think I'm needed. I feel more stimulated that way.
- Ed Mercer: So what made your request this ship?
- Dr. Claire Finn: Well, this is your first command, and I think you could use my help.
- Ed Mercer: So you think I might screw up.
- Dr. Claire Finn: No, sir, I didn't say that, sir.
- Ed Mercer: Well, no, but you implied that you don't think I have the balls to do this job.
- Dr. Claire Finn: Well, I am your doctor, sir, and if your balls are under par, I'll know.
- Admiral Halsey: I have good news. There's a ship available. It's a mid-level craft. The USS Orville. It's not exactly a heavy cruiser, but it is an exploratory vessel. And we're offering you command.
- Ed Mercer: You're kidding.
- Admiral Halsey: Honestly, we would have offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year.
- Ed Mercer: [taking something off the desk as he talks] I know. I ha... I've had some personal stuff that's been going on. It's not really worth getting into. Can I have one of these mints?
- Admiral Halsey: Those are marbles.
- [having already put it in his mouth, Ed spits it back into the bowl]
- John LaMarr: Hey, what's up?
- Gordon Malloy: Hey, man, come on in.
- John LaMarr: Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
- Gordon Malloy: Translation, you want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
- John LaMarr: Something like that.
- Gordon Malloy: Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
- John LaMarr: Okay, well so am I, so this is gonna work out great.
- Dr. Claire Finn: Captain, let me see that shoulder. Does it hurt?
- Ed Mercer: Yeah, it hurts like hell.
- Kelly Grayson: That means it's not that bad.
- Ed Mercer: What are you talking about, Kelly? I literally just said it hurts like hell.
- Kelly Grayson: When he's really in pain, he gives straight answers with no cussing. He's just hoping you give him drugs.
- Ed Mercer: That's a bunch of crap, Kelly. I'm in real pain here. I... why, do you have drugs?
- Krill Captain: Give me the device, human, or I will destroy your ship.
- Ed Mercer: Sorry, can you... can you move, like, two steps to your right?
- Krill Captain: What?
- Ed Mercer: Just like a little, t-tiny bit... it's just a lot of dead space there, just...
- [the Krill captain steps to his right]
- Ed Mercer: Yeah, just right th... perfect. Yeah, sorry. You were just very weirdly framed. It was all I could focus on.
- Ed Mercer: You knew what Arbor Day was, right?
- Kelly Grayson: I mean, actually, I had to think a second. Kind of confusing.
- Ed Mercer: Nobody knows what Arbor Day is.
- Bortus: No.
- Alara Kitan: No.
- Dr. Aronov: I knew.
- Ed Mercer: Well, what would you have said?
- Kelly Grayson: I would have said... "You got wood."
- Gordon Malloy: [the crew laughs] Yeah. Yes.
- Ed Mercer: Yeah, that is better, isn't it?
- Gordon Malloy: So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
- Ed Mercer: About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not...
- [seeing Gordon taking a swig of something]
- Ed Mercer: What is that? Is that a beer?
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah.
- Ed Mercer: You're drinking a beer?
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression.
- Ed Mercer: It's 9:15 in the morning.
- Ed Mercer: [seeing the Orville] Is that it? It's not bad, right?
- Gordon Malloy: No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe, like, a rainbow unicorn, you got something.
- John LaMarr: So, I heard you've been out of commission for a minute.
- Gordon Malloy: Well, not out of commission, but, uh, definitely kept on desk duty.
- John LaMarr: Well, what'd you do? I mean, your piloting skills are kind of legendary. How'd you get suspended?
- Gordon Malloy: I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills.
- John LaMarr: W-wait. No. R-really?
- Gordon Malloy: [laughs] Man, look at your face. No, no, no. I did a... I did a manual override on a tricky shuttle docking and sheared off a cargo bay door. Yeah, nobody was hurt, but 300 crates of authentic autumn squash were sucked into space.
- John LaMarr: Well, that's a lot of damn squash.
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah. I was trying to impress a girl.
- Gordon Malloy: I've never been to the Epsilon Science Station. What's it like?
- Bortus: Epsilon 2 is an outpost devoted exclusively to scientific inquiry.
- Ed Mercer: Researchers from all over the galaxy petition to work there.
- Gordon Malloy: Really? Wow. Any good bars?
- Bortus: I will investigate.
- Ed Mercer: No, Bortus, you don't have to investigate that.
- Bortus: I have already obtained the information.
- Ed Mercer: Oh.
- Bortus: Shall I withhold it?
- Ed Mercer: No, you can tell us.
- Bortus: There are no bars.
- Gordon Malloy: How about strip clubs?
- Ed Mercer: Gordon.
- Gordon Malloy: Sorry.
- Bortus: There are no strip clubs.
- Gordon Malloy: Whoa. Hey.
- Kelly Grayson: Hi, there.
- Gordon Malloy: I was just on my way to the john.
- Kelly Grayson: Well, I'm... I'm glad I bumped into you. Do you have a second?
- Gordon Malloy: Sure. I can hold it.
- Ed Mercer: [escaping a Krill attack] Doc, is there another way out of here?
- Dr. Aronov: There's an old loading conduit, but it's across the atrium.
- Dr. Claire Finn: We're gonna have to sprint for it.
- Ed Mercer: All right, get ready.
- Kelly Grayson: Doc, stay behind Alara.
- Dr. Aronov: Which one's Alara?
- Alara Kitan: [stepping forward] Oh, I'm Alara.
- Dr. Aronov: Sorry. Still learning names.
- Isaac: [the Orville is under attack] Deflectors at half power.
- Gordon Malloy: Sir, I think I can buy us some time 'till we can get the landing party back. Let me wing it here?
- Bortus: Proceed.
- Gordon Malloy: This is something I call "hugging the donkey".
- John LaMarr: You can hug the donkey?
- Gordon Malloy: Dude, I've been hugging the donkey since flight school.
- Admiral Halsey: Now, the Orville has a nearly-full crew complement. Her previous captain retired this month. But she's still short a helmsman and a first officer. We're waiting for an XO to become available.
- Ed Mercer: Well, you know, I can get you the best helmsman in the fleet.
- Admiral Halsey: You mean... Lieutenant Malloy. I'm aware you two are friends.
- Ed Mercer: Look, I... I know Gordon has his issues, but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him.
- Admiral Halsey: Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T85?
- Ed Mercer: He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things, but, Admiral, if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm?
- Ed Mercer: All right, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, our chief of security.
- Alara Kitan: Yes, sir.
- Ed Mercer: You're Xelayan, right?
- Alara Kitan: I am, sir.
- Gordon Malloy: Wait. Don't you guys have, like, super strength?
- Alara Kitan: Xelaya's gravitational pull is high compared to the planetary average, so, yes, in Earth normal gravity, my physical strength is elevated.
- Ed Mercer: Lieutenant, how old are you?
- Alara Kitan: 23.
- Ed Mercer: You're 23, and you're chief of security on a starship?
- Alara Kitan: Xelayans don't usually join the military, so when one of us does, the Union generally fast-tracks us.
- Ed Mercer: Well, I'm... I'm sure they know what they're doing.
- Ed Mercer: So, what are you doing on a Union ship?
- Isaac: Your fleet's admiralty offered a posting to any Kaylon willing to take it. As an effort to initiate relations between Kaylon and the Union, we accepted. I was chosen to represent my planet. I see it as an ideal opportunity to study human behavior.
- Ed Mercer: Well, we'll, uh... we'll try not to bore you.
- Admiral Halsey: Ed, calm down and be professional about this.
- Ed Mercer: Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation. Okay, this is my ex-wife, who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her banging a Retepsian.
- Admiral Halsey: I know this isn't ideal, but she's the only qualified XO available. And the staff profile compatibility program indicated your skill sets complement hers.
- Ed Mercer: Oh, it did? See if your compatibility program can get blue out of a white lampshade.
- Isaac: The captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his first officer. Why is this?
- Gordon Malloy: 'Cause she's a total bitch.
- Alara Kitan: Do you know her?
- Gordon Malloy: Oh, yeah. They were married.
- Alara Kitan: No way.
- Gordon Malloy: She cheated on him.
- John LaMarr: Aw, damn, that's cold.
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah, so this should be a really fun trip for all of us.
- Isaac: Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness, yet you believe it will be fun.
- Gordon Malloy: I was being sarcastic. It's gonna suck.
- Isaac: Suck?
- Gordon Malloy: Yeah, suck. You know, like, ass, balls.
- Alara Kitan: What he means is if you don't already drink, you should probably start.
- Ed Mercer: You know, I've done a pretty good job getting over all this in the past year, and I'm over it, so why don't you tell me what the hell you're doing here?
- Kelly Grayson: I heard about your promotion. I also heard there was no XO available, and you know how the fleet admirals are. They don't like to see a captain on his own for too long. And I figured I'd wronged you so badly that if there was something good I could do for you, it'd help me atone in some way. So I requested a transfer. I literally bailed on my own crewmates to come here.
- Ed Mercer: Well, you bailed on a whole marriage, so I imagine that was a piece of cake for you, huh?
- Ed Mercer: Dr. Aronov, this is Captain Ed Mercer. We're about to start sending down your supplies.
- Dr. Aronov: Actually, Captain, we... we don't need any supplies.
- Ed Mercer: I... I don't understand. You requested these supplies yourself, yeah?
- Dr. Aronov: I did. I'm sorry. I... I wouldn't have lied unless I had to. Please, come down to the surface. I will explain everything.
- Kelly Grayson: [the transmission ends] This is really strange.
- Ed Mercer: Yeah, it's a great way to start things off. Bortus, you have the conn. Lieutenant, you're with us.
- John LaMarr: [Ed, Kelly, and Alara leave] Did you see that dog in the background licking his balls?
- Gordon Malloy: First thing I saw.
- Kelly Grayson: I have an idea.
- Ed Mercer: What is it?
- Kelly Grayson: Let's give him the device.
- Ed Mercer: What?
- Kelly Grayson: Dr. Aronov, can you preset the field to fire up at a specific intensity the moment the Krill activate it?
- Dr. Aronov: I think so, but why?
- Kelly Grayson: And the field can accelerate time a hundred years. Correct?
- Dr. Aronov: Yes, it can.
- Kelly Grayson: About how long it takes a redwood to grow.
- [Ed remembers the redwood seed Dr. Aronov gave him earlier]
- Ed Mercer: All right, Commander, you win. We'll send you the device by remote shuttle. When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code.
- Krill Captain: Do not take long.
- Ed Mercer: We won't.
- Gordon Malloy: [about Kelly] Maybe she's not such a bitch.
- Ed Mercer: All right, Commander. You have it.
- Krill Captain: Excellent. Now, give me the activation code.
- Ed Mercer: The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero. Happy Arbor Day.
- [when the device is activated, the Krill ship is destroyed by a growing redwood]
- Gordon Malloy: Wait. What's Arbor Day?
- Ed Mercer: It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
- John LaMarr: I wouldn't have gotten that.
- Gordon Malloy: Oh, yeah. No, I didn't get that, either.
- Captain Ed Mercer: So, it's an anti-banana ray
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Palicki, Adrianne): It's really interesting
- Captain Ed Mercer: We need no longer fear the banana
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson (Palicki, Adrianne): Does it work on all fruit?
- Captain Ed Mercer: What about salads?
- [Lt. Malloy is flying the two in a shuttle. They are soon boarding the Orville for the first time]
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: So, how many ships in the fleet these days?
- Captain Ed Mercer: About 3000, spread over the whole quadrant. Which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually... what is that? Is that a beer?
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah.
- Captain Ed Mercer: You're drinking a beer?
- Lt. Gordon Malloy: Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, I wanna make a good impression.
- Captain Ed Mercer: It's 9:15 in the morning.
- Ed Mercer: Alright, he's got a gun. We have something better.
- Kelly Grayson: What?
- Ed Mercer: Seatbelts.
- Bortus: Well done, Lieutenant.
- Gordon Malloy: Sir, since I pulled that off, can I please wear shorts to work?
- Bortus: I've already said no.