Uncut Gems (2019)
Adam Sandler: Howard Ratner
Photos
Quotes
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Howard Ratner : And who's this guy?
Julia : It's this guy The Weeknd.
Howard Ratner : What the fuck is The Weeknd?
Julia : He's gonna be major, even though he's from Canada.
Howard Ratner : This guy looks stupid.
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[from trailer, in Gary's office]
Howard Ratner : So I want the Celtics to cover, I want the Celtics halftime, I want Garnett points and rebounds.
Gary : Whaddaya know?
Howard Ratner : I dunno, I just know.
Gary : Well I'll tell you what I know, it's the dumbest fuckin' bet I ever heard of.
Howard Ratner : [smiles with teeth] I disagree.
[leaves]
Howard Ratner : I disagree, Gary.
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Howard Ratner : This is me! This is how *I* win.
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Howard Ratner : Come on! KG. This is no different than that. This is me. All right? I'm not a fuckin' athlete, this is *my* fuckin' way. This is how *I* win. All right?
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Howard Ratner : I know. I know. Jews and colon cancer. What *is* that? I thought we were the chosen people.
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Howard Ratner : That's a million-dollar opal you're holding. Straight from the Ethiopian Jewish tribe. I mean this is old-school, Middle-earth shit.
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Howard Ratner : Holy shit I'm gonna cum.
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Howard Ratner : Fuckin' from stone to stone. Garnett's a stone, you know that.
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Kevin Garnett : Let me get the fuckin' opal, man. Let me get the fuck up outta here.
Howard Ratner : This opal...
Kevin Garnett : Yeah.
Howard Ratner : This opal's very valuable for you.
Kevin Garnett : Absolutely.
Howard Ratner : OK? I did that.
Kevin Garnett : [mutters] Come on, get the fuck out...
Howard Ratner : I, I respect you. I respect your passion. OK?, I always have.
Kevin Garnett : I thought you was a fan, too, man.
Howard Ratner : I'm a fuckin' HUGE fan!
Kevin Garnett : What did you pay for this? Real shit, what did you pay for this right here?
Howard Ratner : That's not a fair question, Kevin! All right? This uh - We're talkin' months and months of fuckin' - my time!
Kevin Garnett : You're not gon' take the *money* back when I did the deal now, I'm just sayin', straight up. Straight up, me and you, mano a mano. How much you pay for this?
Howard Ratner : Fuckin' ah - What I pay? I paid a uh... That's, this is, that's... I'm tellin' ya, if I answer that question it's very misleading.
Kevin Garnett : Why?
Howard Ratner : It's - I paid a hundred grand, OK?
Kevin Garnett : So - you doubled your money.
Howard Ratner : I'M the joke here, all right? I got fucked! A million dollars is what I was supposed to get! I get a fuckin' what? Made sixty-five G's?
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Dinah Ratner : You know what, Howard?
Howard Ratner : [face-to-face] Say yes. What?
Dinah Ratner : I think you are the most annoying person I have ever met. I hate *being* with you, I hate *looking* at you... And if I had my way I would never - see you - again.
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Howard Ratner : I made a crazy risk. You gamble and it's - about to pay off.
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Eddie Ratner : Who's the girl livin' in your apartment?
Howard Ratner : What'd you say?
Eddie Ratner : Yeah! That guy told me there's some hot chick livin' in your apartment. Who is that - Mom?
Howard Ratner : What are you doin' talkin' to that cokehead?
Eddie Ratner : He was talkin'!...
Howard Ratner : I told you to go in there and take a shit! That was it! Get on the elevator! Enough already.
[short pause]
Howard Ratner : Don't... Don't talk about that to anybody.
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Kevin Garnett : A million dollars is more is my point, you understand?
Howard Ratner : Well - you wanna win by one point or fuckin' thirty points, KG? Right? I see ya out there when the fuckin' stadium's all booin' ya! You're thirty up, you're still goin' full tilt!
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Gooey : This is A uh - KG, anh?
Howard Ratner : Aw. Three for eleven? What the fuck?
Gooey : Yeah, he looks tortured.
Howard Ratner : That fuckin' guy tried to steal an opal from me.
Gooey : Your opal? Your opal came?
Howard Ratner : My opal came, yeah.
Gooey : Yeah?
Howard Ratner : Yeah, and stupidly I lend it to this motherfucker.
Noah : No!
Gooey : Whaddya mean? He took it, he stole it?
Howard Ratner : He didn't steal it, he got carried away. He thinks it has magic powers.
Noah : Magic powers?
[Gooey laughs heartily]
Howard Ratner : Yeah.
Gooey : No.
Howard Ratner : Well look. Look at him tonight, without it. He didn't have it tonight, look how fuckin' bad he played. He s- - He wants to own it. So, I tell him come to the auction, fuckin' make a bid for it, like everyone else.
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Man on Street : Ey. Good Pesach.
Howard Ratner : All right, Larry. You're a Jew again? Welcome back!
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Demany : And what the fuck is it wit' you Jewish niggas and basketball anyway? 'Uh? Shucks.
Howard Ratner : I'll have you know the first two points scored in the NBA was a Jew.
Demany : Yeah, yeah, who what, Fred Flintstein?
Howard Ratner : No. Ossie Schectman, 1946, played for the Knicks.
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Howard Ratner : They say you can see the whole universe in opals, that's how fuckin' old they are.
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Howard Ratner : [weeping] Everything I do is not goin' right! Everything I do is not goin' right! I don't know what to do, I really don't.
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Howard Ratner : That's your fault!
[hits Coach Rivers on the TV screen; speaking loudly:]
Howard Ratner : You see that other guy though, Phil? One'a your boys from Boston? You had some boys in Boston? You'll see what I'm talkin' - hang on! This fucker? Is that one'a your boys, that fat fuck? Looks like you. Looks like one'a your boys.
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Howard Ratner : You send me somethin' like that and then you don't pick up your phone? Are you - you fuckin' with me? I'm tryin' to have a nice peaceful dinner - With my family, which is somethin' you wouldn't understand because you don't have one. You wanna play mind games with me? Huh? Well so whatever you meant by your little link, I meant when I said I want you out of my apartment tonight! And I want confirmation! By text, not a link. Via text, Howie I am gone! 10 p.m.! Don't you *fucking* call me!
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Howard Ratner : You spoke to Gary!
Phil : I did!
Howard Ratner : About what? About what?
Arno : About you! About how you're takin' my money, all over town, placin' bets! You know what that does to me? Do you know how offensive that is to me?
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Kevin Garnett : Why's it got so many colours in it man what is this?
Howard Ratner : That's the thing they say you can see the whole universe in opal that's how fucking old they are.
Kevin Garnett : Holy shit.
Howard Ratner : I've been telling ya that's why I wanted you to see it.
Kevin Garnett : I gotta have this.
Demany : Yo that's crazy man.
Howard Ratner : From stone to stone Garnett's a stone you know that. That's a million dollar opal you're holding straight from the Ethiopian Jewish tribe. I mean this old school Middle Earth shit.
Demany : You got a motherfucking dinosaur gem.
Howard Ratner : Dinosaur's that right the motherfucking dinosaur's staring at this shit.
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Howard Ratner : Arno. Listen. No bullshit... Kevin Garnett is comin' to my office right now. With $175,000 cash. All right? You say I got till Monday? Today is still Monday, so. I don't know if you're hearin' this but Arno this is real. Kevin's really on the way. He was just at the bank. Come get your money, buddy. I need the Celtic ring back.
Steve Bronstein : What happened to Friday?
Howard Ratner : I know. I know.
Steve Bronstein : It's Monday, Howard.
Howard Ratner : I know what we said.
Steve Bronstein : What'd we say?
Howard Ratner : It was a short week, Pesach...
Steve Bronstein : What happened to your face?
Howard Ratner : Car accident. 'K? So...
Steve Bronstein : Whaddya need?
Howard Ratner : I need the Celtic ring, and then I give ya the Knicks ring. All right? You know what that means to me. Swap 'em out, please.
Steve Bronstein : You've had this Knicks ring forever.
Howard Ratner : I just need the Celtic ring back. All right?
Steve Bronstein : No...
Howard Ratner : Whadda you wanna do?
Steve Bronstein : No...
Howard Ratner : Whadda you wanna do?
Steve Bronstein : I own that ring. Right now.
Howard Ratner : I know. I know you do, and I'm...
Steve Bronstein : So, I'll swap you the two rings but I'm gonna put a fifteen percent vig on this one. And if you're not here by Friday it's gonna be the same thing all over again, you're not gonna have a third one.
Howard Ratner : You're not gonna have to worry about that, I make it a sixteen percent. I'm sorry I fucked ya. But I...
Steve Bronstein : Bubi, what's goin' on? You okay?
Howard Ratner : I'm - very good. Everything is goin' good.
Steve Bronstein : Yeah.
Howard Ratner : I promise you. I promise you.
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Howard Ratner : I made a crazy risk, a gamble, and it's about to pay off.
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Marcel Ratner : Anyway, I'll finish the conversation later, but it was literally so awkward? Like...
Howard Ratner : So who you talkin' to?
Marcel Ratner : Jessica.
Howard Ratner : Hi, Jessica! How good was our girl tonight?
Marcel Ratner : You can't hear her.
Howard Ratner : OK. Well then - Just, just hang up for a sec. Lemme, lemme talk to you. Two secs.
Marcel Ratner : I'll call you back. What?
Howard Ratner : Well... I just I was very proud of you tonight. You were beyond incredible.
Marcel Ratner : Yeah, you told me like five times already.
Howard Ratner : Well I just wanted... You really, really didn't know how proud I was, OK? So I really, I just really really want you to know.
Marcel Ratner : 'K, well, I do.
Howard Ratner : Everything is cool, right?
Marcel Ratner : Whadda you mean?
Howard Ratner : I don't know. I just - thought I would check in with you.
Marcel Ratner : OK.
Howard Ratner : Make sure everything's good...
Marcel Ratner : Why wouldn't I be good?
Howard Ratner : I don't know, I just thought I'd check in.
Marcel Ratner : OK, well - I really don't know what you're talking about, so.
Howard Ratner : That's right. Because I'm an idiot. So you love me. OK, I'm gonna get into the city? Yeah! I'll see you in the mornin'.
Marcel Ratner : Have fun.
Howard Ratner : Like I always do.
Marcel Ratner : Anyway. Where was I? You know how I have, like, a complete resting-bitch face? So...
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Howard Ratner : Hey. Ya got him makin' meatballs in the back? All right!
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Kevin Garnett : Why's it got so many colours in it man what is this?
Howard Ratner : That's the thing they say you can see the whole universe in opal that's how fucking old they are.
Kevin Garnett : Holy shit.
Howard Ratner : I've been telling ya that's why I wanted you to see it.
Kevin Garnett : I gotta have this.
Demany : Yo that's crazy man.
Howard Ratner : From stone to stone Garnett's a stone you know that. That's a million dollar opal you're holding straight from the Ethiopian Jewish tribe. I mean this is old school Middle Earth shit.
Demany : You got a motherfucking dinosaur gem.
Howard Ratner : Dinosaur's that right the motherfucking dinosaur's staring at this shit.
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Howard Ratner : Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Where are you? Hey.
Julia : Howard, what the fuck is going on?
Howard Ratner : Take this.
Julia : What is this?
Howard Ratner : I need you to listen to me carefully. I booked you on a Blade, okay? You're gonna land on top of the Mohegan Sun.
Julia : Okay.
Howard Ratner : There's a bet in that bag. I want you to take all of it. All of it inside the bag, and place it on that bet.
Julia : How much is in the bag?
Howard Ratner : There's a lot. I don't want you to think about that. All right? I don't eve want you to look at it until you get there and you take it out and you give it to the teller. You understand me?
Julia : Okay. I got it. I got it.
Howard Ratner : I'm gonna fuck the living shit out of you tonight. You know that?
Julia : I wish I could kiss you.
Howard Ratner : All right you gotta go.
Julia : Okay.
Howard Ratner : You get going.
Julia : All right. Love you. Bye.
