Rick and Morty (TV Series)
The Rickchurian Mortydate (2017)
Justin Roiland: Rick Sanchez, Morty Smith
Photos
Quotes
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Rick Sanchez : I'm Doctor Who in this mother fucker! I could be a clone. I could be a hologram. We could be clones controlled by robots controlled with special headsets that the real Rick and Morty are wearing while they're fucking your mother!
The President : I'm going to kill you!
Rick Sanchez : Then come to Olive Street!
The President : Is that her address?
Rick Sanchez : You don't know because you're a bad son!
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[Rick & Morty arrive at the White House via portal. Rick is still holding his martini he was drinking at home]
Morty Smith : [greeting the president and shaking his hand] Mr. President.
The President : It's about time, gentlemen. Rick, do you need to drink in here?
Rick Sanchez : Yes.
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The President : You committed murder in the Oval Office. Now you can't leave.
Rick Sanchez : That's fine. I said I'm not leaving without a selfie.
Morty Smith : Uh, I don't need a selfie.
The President : And I'm saying you aren't getting one, and you aren't leaving
Rick Sanchez : So we agree?
The President : Yes. No! We disagree. Because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving.
Rick Sanchez : Am I getting a selfie?
The President : Never!
Rick Sanchez : Then I'm never leaving.
The President : Exactly.
Rick Sanchez : See?
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Morty Smith : You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it while you were sitting on your ass at peace summits.
The President : Peace summits are important!
Morty Smith : Oh yeah! They work great. We're really drowning in peace. You suck!
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The President : Okay, what was that?
Rick Sanchez : Death.
The President : What kind?
Rick Sanchez : Instant.
The President : There was no sound! He just died!
Rick Sanchez : Yeah, terrifying. It's a terrifying thing to watch happen. It's called a deterrent.
Secret Service Agent : You couldn't just knock him out?
Rick Sanchez : How is 'knocking out' a deterrent? Everyone wants to be knocked out. Nobody wants to be dead.
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[Beth calls Rick in a knockoff "Star Wars" cantina]
Rick Sanchez : I-I can't talk now, sweetie.
Beth Smith : Oh, when can you?
Rick Sanchez : Good point.
[burps]
Rick Sanchez : What's up?
Beth Smith : Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted, I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left because you could replace me with a clone?
Rick Sanchez : Mm-hmm.
Beth Smith : Am I the clone?
Rick Sanchez : Sorry. What?
Beth Smith : Am I the clone? Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay because that's what I need to think because I'm the replacement Beth?
Rick Sanchez : [noncommittal] No.
Beth Smith : Okay. And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me?
Rick Sanchez : [sighs] Beth, you know, when... When smart people get happy, they stop recognizing themselves. And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.
Beth Smith : Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry. Thank you, Dad.
Rick Sanchez : All good?
Beth Smith : Totally. I'm fine now.
Rick Sanchez : And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real because you're actually convinced you're a clone and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware would mean I'd have to terminate you?
Beth Smith : [noncommittal] No.
Rick Sanchez : Okay. Glad I could help. See you soon.
[Rick hangs up]
Beth Smith : [breathing heavily] Aaaaaah!
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[a portal opens in the Oval Office and Rick Sanchez steps through in fly-fishing gear]
Rick Sanchez : Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez, but not the one that did this. We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other like hermit crabs, I think. I'm "Fly-fishing Rick". You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat. I hope I can be of service if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger. Friends?
The President : [cautiously] Sounds good to me.
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The President : Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink!
Rick Sanchez : Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way? Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression, you could get a more curable cancer just walking through the mushroom clouds.
The President : [snatches pill away] GODDAMN IT, I'LL DO IT!
[the President takes the pill and then his body begins shrinking]
The President : [voice rising in pitch as he shrinks] Task Force Alpha is disbanded. And you two aren't American anymore! I can say that. You're expatriated! If you step foot on homeland soil again, I'll treat it as an invasion. Is this supposed to be painful?
Morty Smith : Painful to watch.
Rick Sanchez : Oh, such lame shrinking.
Morty Smith : Oh, his clothes stay the same size? '70s shrinking, party of one!
The President : [now miniscule] EAT MY SHRINKING ASS!