- [singing]
- Entire Cast: It's a new season, though it's still not that long. A new season with some slightly new shadings. And there's no reason why we burst into song! You'll know hell's freezing if we get decent ratings!
- Queen of Valencia: Honey, Galavant is gone. He was a tall drink of water and I will keep him forever in my spank bank, but it's time to move on.
- Isabella: You two have to help me escape and find Galavant. You must see how insane this all is!
- Chef: I do hate the idea of you being forced into marriage. I'm kind of big into women's rights.
- Gwynne: He really is. He said he's gonna let me keep our first daughter, and not just throw them all out.
- Chef: One daughter! Then we leave the rest to the white walkers.
- [Richard gets trapped in a gay pub, where he discovers his father's best friend]
- Uncle Keith: I *belong* here. Your father, God rest his soul, he *belonged* here.
- King Richard: Was he an alcoholic too?
- Uncle Keith: But you don't belong here. I'm gonna help you escape.
- [Richard effeminately claps his hands]
- King Richard: Marvelous!
- Uncle Keith: Okay. Maybe you do belong here.
- Valencian Guard: Hear ye, hear ye! Presenting the Queen and the guy that was with the Queen when she killed the other guy who was kinda the King.
- Gareth: [to Madalena] Maybe later we can discuss my title.
- King Richard: Uncle Keith! Dad said you went to The Enchanted Forest and never came out.
- Uncle Keith: The other way 'round, kid.
- King Richard: Huh?
- King Richard: I know you don't think much of me, and I know I screw everything up all the time, but you have to understand I was coddled my entire life.
- Galavant: I know.
- King Richard: I was breastfed until I was nine.
- Galavant: I kn... Wait, what?
- King Richard: I had a nanny named Pearl...
- Galavant: Oh, I don't want to know!
- Gareth: I helped you overthrow a king.
- Madalena: You helped your friend escape and watched as I killed his replacement.
- Gareth: I'm sick of not being treated as an equal. I'm sick of having to park my horse in the stable with the assistants. Look, according to the scrolls I have had read to me, I banished the king so technically I am the true King of Valencia, and it would *really* mean a lot to me if I was treated as such.
- Madalena: What is it with men and their *emotions*?
- King of Valencia: We'll stay here with the princess 'til she weds her little cuz'.
- Queen of Valencia: Yes, we know it's incest, still it's what our family does!
- [singing to Galavant and gay pub patrons]
- The Queen: Off with his shirt! That's the deal, you're our beefcake happy meal! Go on, you guys, just feast your eyes until they hurt. Off with his shirt, 'til the dawn! Dig the lush pectoral lawn! Drink in those lats and traps and delts - and after that who knows what else? So save some room, boys, for dessert! Oh, off with his shirt!
- King Richard: Well, those pirates were a bit snippy with me, no?
- Galavant: Please stop talking.
- King Richard: Are you still upset about the shipwreck? Jeez, man, what's the point of a bygone if it can't just be a bygone?
- Galavant: A pirate died!
- King Richard: That's what pirates do!
- King Richard: Are you sure we can't convince you to come with us?
- Uncle Keith: No, son. My destiny is here.
- [a young man approaches and embraces him]
- Uncle Keith: Destiny, this is Richard. Richard - Destiny.