Bad Moms (2016)

Kathryn Hahn: Carla

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Quotes 

• Kiki : Sometimes when I'm driving all by myself, I have this fantasy that I get into a car crash. Not a big one with fire and explosions, but just like a little one, but I do get injured and I get to go to the hospital for two weeks and I sleep all day and I eat Jell-O and I watch so much TV and it's all covered by my insurance. My kids bring me balloons, and the nurses rub cream on my feet, and oh, my God, it's so amazing. Is that like something you guys fantasize about, too?

  Carla , Amy : No.

  Carla : You're batshit crazy.

  Amy : Yeah.

  Carla : And I'm never gonna get into a car with you.

• Kiki : Do you go to all of his games?

  Carla : No. No, I don't. The last game I went to was six hours long and the final score was one to two. So, I'd rather go to Afghanistan than another kids' baseball game.

• Amy : This party is raging.

  Kiki : What a turnout.

  Martha Stewart : Hi, would you ladies like a Jell-O shot?

  Amy : Is that, is that? Martha Stewart! Martha, Oh, my God.

  Kiki : Thank you. Oh, my God.

  Martha Stewart : Good, right?

  Carla : I'm cumming.

  Kiki : Oh, my God. What's in this?

  Martha Stewart : Well, it's bespoke lingonberry gelatin... and a shitload of vodka.

  Kiki : They're delicious!

  Martha Stewart : I start my day with six of these.

• Carla : First of all, you're so not a failure as a mother. In fact, you're the best mother that we've ever seen.

  Kiki : True that!

  Carla : You give your kids salad. Your remember your kids birthdays! I mean, I've sat here and watched you wait until your kid fell asleep before you got high.

  Amy : Most moms do that, Carla.

• Carla : [to Kiki]  Oh, hey, I know you. You're that chick that always picks up my kid from school when I forget-slash-don't want to.

• Carla : Hey, Jaxon. I made you lunch today. It's some humus wrap with some kale.

  Jaxon : Gross!

  Carla : Yeah, I know, it sounds totally disgusting, but it's supposed to be good for you, so... And I'm gonna come to your baseball game tomorrow night.

  Jaxon : For real?

  Carla : I'm gonna stay the whole stupid game. Mmm-hmm. Because... I love you, and stuff. Still cannot believe I pushed that thing outta my chooch.

• Kiki : Kent is a never-hard.

  Amy : Ooh, what's a never-hard?

  Kiki : Well, he never gets fully hard. So I just have to kinda fold his penis up like a balloon animal and shove it up in my vagina.

  Carla : That sounds horrible!

  Amy : Yeah...

  Kiki : Sometimes, I take the balls and shove em up there too because at least, you know, they're firm.

  Carla : Honey, that is a lot of shit to shove up your cooter.

  Kiki : I mean, I'm just happy he's circumcised.

  Amy : Agh! What if I get somebody who's not circumcised?

  Kiki : Run out of the room screaming. It's like finding a gun in the street; just scream and get out of there!

• Carla : My kid still watches Sesame Street and he doesn't get it.

• Carla : So get up off this couch, turn off 12 Years a Slave, and let's bodyslam this bitch.

  Kiki : Come on, Amy.

  Carla : Come on. Get those tits up.

  Kiki : Get 'em up.

  Carla : Get 'em up.

  Kiki : Get your boobs up.

  Carla : Get those tits right up.