- Peter Griffin: All right, Jesus. Nowadays, everything is done on the internet. All right, so we gotta get you on Facebook. Whoop, lemme just close a couple of these windows... Here we go. Sorry. I was up late last night... had the house to myself. Sorry. Sorry.
- Glenn Quagmire: Lot of POV stuff.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, I like to pretend that's mine down there, what's doing all the slapping.
- Joe Swanson: [suspicious] Peter, how old is that girl?
- Peter Griffin: Uh, excuse me. Won't you?
- [takes the laptop to his car and drives away]
- Jesus Christ: Lois... Seems like you folks learned... the lesson I intended.
- Peter Griffin: *What* lesson?
- Jesus Christ: Oh, you know... uuuh... That... this holiest of days is about... appreciating... our loved ones and... uuuuh... resisting... temptation.
- Lois Griffin: Oh... So it was a test. Like when your father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac?
- Jesus Christ: Yes! *That*! That's exactly right! Uuuuh... well. I can see my work here is done.
- Peter Griffin: Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
- Jesus Christ: Yeah I guess, who cares. I'm not even real, Merry Christmas.
- Lois Griffin: Don't be afraid to be honest with a girl and show her who you are.
- Jesus Christ: Wow, thanks Lois. That's the second best advice anyone's ever given me.
- Guy in cutaway: I don't know, man, Jesus Hitler Christ sounds weird.
- Jesus Christ: So just go with H?
- Guy in cutaway: Yeah.
- Stewie Griffin: Boy this must be killing you! You're an atheist and the one guy you don't believe in is getting to bang the woman of your dreams.
- Bar patron: Did he shw you that sad, little apartment? He doesn't live there, he uses it to store art he bought on cruises!