- Tommy Cooper: Me and my wife just got home and she says "I'm homesick." I said "You're already home." She says "I know I'm sick of it."
- [Audience roar with laughter]
- Miff Ferrie: You know your problem?
- Tommy Cooper: Wrong agent?
- Miff Ferrie: You've got the funnies. You exhaust yourself being funny off-stage. I mean, you should be boring, like all the others. I mean, look at Tony Hancock. Without an audience he was as funny as cancer.
- Tommy Cooper: He killed himself, you moron. How's that making your point?
- Miff Ferrie: I am fed up covering up for your mistress. Buying hush-hush train tickets, organising passes.
- Tommy Cooper: You should thank Mary. I wouldn't be running round the country earning you money if she wasn't by my side. I'd be out playing golf with Ronnie Corbett.
- Miff Ferrie: [exasperated] There is a reason why monogamy works, Tommy. It's less tiring.
- Tommy Cooper: I can't give up Mary, Miff. I love her.
- Miff Ferrie: And what about Dove?
- Tommy Cooper: You can love two women.
- Miff Ferrie: Until you get caught!
- Tommy Cooper: No, I mean it. I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed, but it's true. Dove has been my life - put me on stage, made a man of me. If anyone hurts her or the family, I'll rip their head off.
- Miff Ferrie: [wearily] Yeah, well that person's going to be you.