South Park (TV Series)

A Song of Ass and Fire (2013)

Matt Stone: Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Butters Stotch, Scott Malkinson, George R. R. Martin, Craig Tucker, Stuart McCormick, Bill Gates, Dave, Mall Guards, Shoppers, Choir Members

Quotes 

• Butters Stotch : The dragons are still just on their way! They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy weiners in my face!

• [Butters and Scott visit George R.R. Martin] 

  George R. R. Martin : It's the Red Wedding, isn't it? You hate how I killed everyone off?

  Butters Stotch : Uh, no sir, we just really need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.

  George R. R. Martin : Oh, they're coming; the dragons are on their way.

  Butters Stotch : When?

  George R. R. Martin : You really wanna know?

  Butters Stotch : Please, it's urgent!

  George R. R. Martin : All right. King Joffrey is still at King's Landing, but there is a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan. And his weiner gently hangs down between his legs, soft and flaccid, his weiner glistens in the golden sunlight...

  Butters Stotch : No! No! Can we just skip the weiner stuff and just get to the dragons?

  Scott Malkinson : [winces painfully]  Aw shit, I think I'm... I think I'm gonna faint.

  Butters Stotch : Uh, what's the matter, Scott?

  Scott Malkinson : I told you, I have to eat every two hours.

  Butters Stotch : [to Martin]  He's diabetic.

  George R. R. Martin : Oh Jeez, uh, why don't you kids come out from the cold? I'll order some pizzas.

  Butters Stotch : Oh. Okay, thanks.

  George R. R. Martin : Come on in! I'll tell you everything that's gonna happen in "Game of Thrones".

  [Martin leads the boys inside] 

• [Martin expounds on "Game of Thrones", dragging it on and on, making Butters and Scott nearly freak out] 

  George R. R. Martin : ...So then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching, and his wiener is about this big.

  [about 18 inches, by Martin's estimate. Butters loses patience as Scott nearly faints] 

  George R. R. Martin : ...He knows that Stannis Baratheon's wiener is probably shriveled from the cold. Samwell has to rally his men, so what does he do? He takes out his wiener...

  [Martin unzips his pants and demonstrates his story] 

  George R. R. Martin : ...and he dangles it around for all his men to see.

  [Martin shakes his hips and pretends his wiener is a bell] 

  Scott Malkinson : [turns away, disgusted]  AAAH!

  Butters Stotch : OOAH! Uh, sir, you said pizzas were coming!

  George R. R. Martin : Yeah yeah, they're on their way. They're still coming. So Samwell's wiener goes...

  [Martin shakes his hips around, as if his wiener were a bell and makes sounds for it] 

  Butters Stotch : But you said they were on their way like three hours ago!

  Scott Malkinson : If I don't get pizza soon, I'm goin' to pass out.

  [Martin zips up] 

  George R. R. Martin : Don't worry. They're coming. Pizzas are on their way. They're gonna be amazing. Now, Jon Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister, and this guy's wiener is, you know, huge, right? So it's not goin' to be easy.

  Scott Malkinson : Ehhh...

• [Martin is now poised to be conductor. He taps his music stand with the conductor's stick. The orchestra sings about wieners] 

  Scott Malkinson : Stop! Stop please! I can't take any more!

  George R. R. Martin : But this is the best part. Right before King Joffrey gets poisoned, everyone flap their wieners all around his face.

  Scott Malkinson : Jeaaaaah!

  Butters Stotch : Listen, buddy! You promised that pizzas were on the way! If they don't show up right now, you're gonna have a dead kid in your hands! Do you hear me?

  George R. R. Martin : Okay, okay, fine, fine. What kind of pizzas do you want?

  Butters Stotch : What kind do we want?

  Scott Malkinson : He hasn't even ordered the pizzas yet!

  George R. R. Martin : Don't worry! They're coming! Not just two pizzas, there's, there's gonna be five! And they're gonna be huge! You won't believe it!

  [Butters has had enough] 

  Butters Stotch : Come on, Scott! We're leaving!

  [Butters helps Scott off the sofa, and they're about to leave] 

  George R. R. Martin : Wait, I haven't told you what happens yet!

  Butters Stotch : NO! Black Friday is about to happen, and my friends and I have to be the first ones inside the mall to get XBoxes!

  George R. R. Martin : Well, why didn't you say so? I can help with that.

  Butters Stotch : Whatoyou mean?

  George R. R. Martin : I'll make some calls.

  [Martin picks up the telephone] 

  George R. R. Martin : I know a way to make sure you're completely prepared for Black Friday!

  [Martin starts dialing] 

• Kenny McCormick : [muffled]  Welcome to my kingdom, Sir Eric. Please state your purpose.

  Stan Marsh : The princess bids your fat ass welcome to her kingdom and suggests you state your purpose.