Photos
Quotes
-
Jess Day : He's so soft, like a towel.
-
Schmidt : Oh, there's Brooke.
Jess Day : Who's Brooke?
Nick Miller : He's been into her since freshman year. She used to get drunk and pass out on our porch. It was like having a hot, alcoholic cat.
Schmidt : I'd always leave water out for her. Okay. Tonight just got real. She goes on top of the kill list.
Jess Day : Is that because you're gonna attempt to kill her by having sex with her?
Schmidt : More or less, yeah.
Jess Day : Oh, Schmidt, one day you're gonna kill the nicest girl.
-
Winston Bishop : Are you okay?
Jess Day : Yeah, I'm fine.
Winston Bishop : Those guys were jerks. But I know they're glad you're around.
Jess Day : Really?
Winston Bishop : Yeah! They're not just gonna come out and say it, though. Especially Nick, you know, but they're all thinking it. Even me. Most of the time.
-
Jess Day : She has a boyfriend.
Nick Miller : Yeah.
Jess Day : She shouldn't have been flirting with you all night. You can't be her backup plan. You have to let each other go. So, now you have to make a decision. "Am I gonna stay locked in a photo booth for the next hour, or am I gonna get out there, take my shoes off, and dance my face off?". Come on, it's up to you.
-
Jess Day : Look at my new boyfriend. So fancy in his big boy tie.
Nick Miller : Jess, would you please stop?
Jess Day : Okay, what is it with Caroline? You're like a different person.
Nick Miller : Just focus on getting through today, please.
Jess Day : Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend.
Nick Miller : What did I tell you?
Jess Day : Don't be myself.
Nick Miller : Yes.
Jess Day : That's what I love about our relationship. You never let me be myself.
-
Winston Bishop : We've got a problem.
Schmidt : What?
[seeing Nick and Caroline talking]
Schmidt : Jess, what did you do?
Jess Day : What? They're fine, they're just talking.
Winston Bishop : No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, with Caroline, he is not fine. Okay, he ran into her at a party two months ago, then sent me a ten-page e-mail about what she meant when she said "I'll see you soon."
Schmidt : She will flirt with him until she knows she can have him. It's like he's her backup plan.
Jess Day : I didn't know that.
Schmidt : You wanna live with Nick, when he's not showering and crying all day?
Winston Bishop : Yeah, he sounds like this.
[he pantomimes babbling sobbing]
Schmidt : You ever heard a grown man sob and listen to Simon and Garfunkel?
Jess Day : Yeah, my dad.
Schmidt : Yeah.
Jess Day : Okay, I get it. I'll go. But I just... these bicycle shorts are really tight.
Schmidt : Come on, work through it, woman.
-
Jess Day : Hi, Nicholas.
Nick Miller : Hey, Jess. I live in a photo booth now.
Jess Day : Oh, is that so?
Nick Miller : Yep. Come on in, come on in. That's the kitchen area.
Jess Day : Very nice.
Nick Miller : This is the common area.
Jess Day : Uh-huh.
Nick Miller : Dining room, living room, kind of everything.
-
Jess Day : Schmidt! Schmidt, I need you to help me get these off so I can go find Nick!
Brooke : God, are you friends with that girl?
Jess Day : Schmidt!
Schmidt : Okay, look, I... I didn't want to have to tell you this, but... she was a mistake I made when I hit rock bottom. It was like I was her Sid and she was my Nancy, and then I got sober and she couldn't deal with it, and the poor thing just went... she went crazy.
Jess Day : Schmidt, I need you to come help me slap my thighs around!
Schmidt : Look, I don't want to scare you, but she can be really dangerous when she drinks. Okay? I shouldn't even be in the same room with her, it's just... it feels so good talking to you.
Brooke : Maybe we should get you out of here.
Schmidt : What a great idea. Yes!
Brooke : I just have to go to the bathroom really quickly.
Schmidt : What-whatever you need. Whatever you... of course.
-
Schmidt : Jess, what happened with Brooke?
Jess Day : What?
Schmidt : She just left here in tears because she said that you threatened her with a knife?
Jess Day : No! I was talking you up.
Schmidt : No, you shouldn't have been talking me up. You should have been taking care of Nick. Why is it so hard to do one thing?
Jess Day : How is this my fault?
Schmidt : Ruiner.
Jess Day : Did you just call me a ruiner?
Schmidt : Yeah.
Jess Day : Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not helping you guys anymore. Give me my teeth back.
Nick Miller : Stop it.
Jess Day : [searching his pocket] You don't appreciate them.
Nick Miller : Cool it!
Jess Day : [taking them and putting them in] Give them back. I'm gonna have fun, 'cause there's nothing wrong with who I am, and I like having fun at weddings. And I like dancing. And if you don't like that, then tough tater tots, tooter.
[storming off]
Jess Day : Jess is back!
-
Schmidt : [seeing Jess in her dress for the wedding] Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Nick Miller : Wow. You look great.
Jess Day : [wearing fake plastic teeth] Let's go knock biscuits, brother-cousins.
Schmidt : No!
Nick Miller : No teeth, Jess. You can't use prop teeth.
Jess Day : Come on, guys. These are hilarious. Kids love these.
-
Jess Day : It's our first wedding together, so we need nicknames. Nick is Knickknack or Mr. Suspenders.
Schmidt : No nicknames, okay? Your only job tonight is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay? And make sure that he stays out of trouble with Caroline.
Jess Day : Why can't you and Winston help?
Schmidt : We've tried. He doesn't listen to us anymore.
[flashback; Nick sits crying on the floor in his bedroom]
Schmidt : Look, she's not coming back.
Nick Miller : [return to the present] He's right. I don't.
-
Jess Day : So, when we do the chicken dance, I do it a little bit differently. I know that it usually goes...
[humming the music]
Jess Day : But instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. 'Cause it's more realistic.
Nick Miller : No chicken dance!
-
Nick Miller : [after introducing Jess to Caroline] Oh, my god. Was she jealous? I think she was jealous. You did so good. That was remarkable.
Jess Day : [wearing her fake teeth] I just done what my mama learnt me.
Nick Miller : Give me the teeth.
-
Jess Day : It was weird when I was stuck in a freak sandwich between you and that eight-year-old. Do you wanna talk about that?
Winston Bishop : You know, it's just that he got to be a bit annoying, so... I kind of took my feelings out with dance?
-
Jess Day : Who is that?
Schmidt : It's Gretchen Nelson. She's a terrible person. We can't stand each other. At every wedding, we end up... we end up having sex.
[flashbacks to previous weddings]
Schmidt : I mean, look, the sex is amazing. She's coming over.
Nick Miller : [leading Jess away] Hey, there are those people that we know.
Jess Day : Oh, what people?
-
Jess Day : Your head is shaped like a yam.
Nick Miller : Yeah, I know. I can't wear soft hats.
-
Jess Day : Come on in, honey. The water's fine.
Nick Miller : Jess, you know I don't dance.
Jess Day : Oh, but you didn't know that I did this.
[pantomiming pulling a rope]
Jess Day : I'm mime-walking. I'm Mime-chael Jackson.
-
Jess Day : Is it bad that I can't feel my legs?
Schmidt : Yes. Now let's talk about my problems. Jess, I have to go home with Brooke tonight. I deserve someone like Brooke. She's perfect, and it doesn't matter that I have gymnastic, mean-spirited, highly educational sex with Gretchen. It's just, that's not what I want to do anymore, okay? Not tonight.
Jess Day : What's so bad about liking Gretchen? I mean, you guys obviously have, like, a weird connection.
Schmidt : No, no, no, no. I want to connect with Brooke. I want to connect with her in the shower, on the floor...
Jess Day : Okay, you know what?
Schmidt : ...sitting Indian style.
Jess Day : You can keep talking, but I'm gonna put my hands over my ears.
-
Nick Miller : That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess.
Schmidt : I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I want to be thinking "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"
Jess Day : [adopting a Cockney accent] Probably the slut butler, right?
