- Klaus: [to Roger] You're really gonna kill five people over $20?
- Roger the Alien: Are you really asking that to the guy who just last week killed six people over $19?
- Stan Smith: Nice girls don't kiss on the first date, Steve. Your mom wouldn't kiss me until our third date. It made the sex on the first two dates very impersonal.
- Francine Smith: Stan, we just finally got Steve off the heroin from the last birthday present you gave him.
- Steve Smith: I got so high.
- Francine Smith: [to Stan] Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ballgame with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ballgames, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?
- Principal Lewis: Class, this is Phyllis. She just moved here from Hoboken. I'd like you all to give her a warm welcome. Now, I'm not referring to the sexual position, the warm welcome of which I am the inventor. The basic nature of the move is... Oh, never mind. Y'all ain't long enough.
- Francine Smith: [while on the phone to Stan] Bitch, did you just hang up on...?
- [Stan hangs up on her]
- Francine Smith: [When Francine goes over to the CIA to find Stan] Stan, this is the last time you put work before Steve!
- Avery Bullock: He's actually with Steve right now.
- Francine Smith: What? So Stan's at the dance?
- Avery Bullock: No, he's here, but he's remotely controlling a teen girl at the dance who's about to get sex-pummeled by your son.
- Francine Smith: What?
- Avery Bullock: It's a lot like "Avatar."
- Francine Smith: Like what?
- Avery Bullock: Avatar. It's a movie?
- Francine Smith: [while Francine fights with Stan, who is inside the avatar] I can't believe you'd do this, Stan! This stops now!
- Stan Smith: Get out of here, Francine. This is the only way I can remain close to Steve. We were finally spending quality time together and then he was gonna dump me for that nerd, and I just won't lose him again! Must get plowed by son.
- Francine Smith: No, Stan, this isn't the way! You might've missed his first 14 years, but you can still be there for his next 14.
- Stan Smith: He's gonna die at 28?
- Francine Smith: Maybe. Maybe sooner.