Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
Lookin' for Japanese Subs (2011)
Angus T. Jones: Jake Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Harper : [Jake and Eldridge's second stunt in their "Dumbass" project goes a bit wrong] Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks!
Jake Harper : We took precautions.
Alan Harper : [almost too angry to speak] You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
Eldridge Mackelroy : We were planning to land in the ocean.
Alan Harper : You missed it! By a *hundred yards*!
Jake Harper : It's not an exact science, Dad.
Alan Harper : Okay. Okay. Let's not dicker over the details.
Eldridge Mackelroy : [giggling] He said "dicker".
Jake Harper : I know!
Alan Harper : Okay! Okay! I am serious, okay? This "Dumbass" thing stops right now!
Jake Harper : You're the one who told me I should follow my dreams!
Alan Harper : I meant dreams like doctor, or lawyer. Not crash test dummy!
Jake Harper : [musing] Doctor Jacob Harper. I like the sound of that.
Eldridge Mackelroy : [continuing the parody] Hey, Doc! What's this on my nutsack? Is it infected?
Jake Harper : Yes. It seems we'll have to perform a nutsack-ectomy.
Alan Harper : [reaching a new state of outrage] Will... you... two... quit with the cockamamie babble, and focus on what I am trying to tell you?
Jake Harper : [giggling anew] He said "cockamamie"!
Eldridge Mackelroy : He said "foke-us"!
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Jake Harper : [Jake and Eldridge are making a video] A warm diet cola product.
[Jake gulps the soda]
Jake Harper : Ahhhh. Now, I will swallow a Mentos. Mentos. Now, I'll lay on the floor.
Eldridge Mackelroy : Goggles?
Jake Harper : Right. Safety first.
Eldridge Mackelroy : You feel anything yet?
Jake Harper : Oh, yeah. It's workin'.
Eldridge Mackelroy : If it starts comin' out the back door, pull your pants down and roll over.
Jake Harper : Good thinkin'.
Alan Harper : [Alan comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
Jake Harper : Not a good time, Dad.
Alan Harper : What are you doing on the floor?
[Jake spews about four feet high, covering Alan]
Eldridge Mackelroy : [camera rolling] Awesome!
Alan Harper : [enraged] What the hell are you doing?
Jake Harper : I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Alan Harper : Are you all right?
Jake Harper : Yeah. We were just makin' a video. Hold on.
[Jake rushes to the sink to vomit some more]
Jake Harper : Cool stunts.
Alan Harper : Cool stunts? In God's name, why?
Jake Harper : You've heard of "Jackass"?
Alan Harper : Yeah.
Eldridge Mackelroy : [proudly] We are "Dumbass".
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Jake Harper : [for their third "Dumbass" stunt, Jake is warming up some beans] So, I'm thinking we call this stunt "Fart Rocket".
Eldridge Mackelroy : Naw, I think we need to go with something a little more intellectual. How 'bout, "The Dumbass Ass Blaster"?
Jake Harper : You can't use two "asses" in a row. It's... redumnant.
Alan Harper : [comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
Jake Harper : Just makin' Eldridge somethin' to eat.
Alan Harper : [sensing another stupid stunt] Really.
Eldridge Mackelroy : Yes, I was peckerish.
Alan Harper : You mean, "peckish".
Eldridge Mackelroy : Fine, if you wanna dicker.
Jake Harper : Good one, dude!