Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Lookin' for Japanese Subs (2011)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan Harper : [Jake and Eldridge's second stunt in their "Dumbass" project goes a bit wrong]  Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks!

  Jake Harper : We took precautions.

  Alan Harper : [almost too angry to speak]  You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?

  Eldridge Mackelroy : We were planning to land in the ocean.

  Alan Harper : You missed it! By a *hundred yards*!

  Jake Harper : It's not an exact science, Dad.

  Alan Harper : Okay. Okay. Let's not dicker over the details.

  Eldridge Mackelroy : [giggling]  He said "dicker".

  Jake Harper : I know!

  Alan Harper : Okay! Okay! I am serious, okay? This "Dumbass" thing stops right now!

  Jake Harper : You're the one who told me I should follow my dreams!

  Alan Harper : I meant dreams like doctor, or lawyer. Not crash test dummy!

  Jake Harper : [musing]  Doctor Jacob Harper. I like the sound of that.

  Eldridge Mackelroy : [continuing the parody]  Hey, Doc! What's this on my nutsack? Is it infected?

  Jake Harper : Yes. It seems we'll have to perform a nutsack-ectomy.

  Alan Harper : [reaching a new state of outrage]  Will... you... two... quit with the cockamamie babble, and focus on what I am trying to tell you?

  Jake Harper : [giggling anew]  He said "cockamamie"!

  Eldridge Mackelroy : He said "foke-us"!

• Jake Harper : [Jake and Eldridge are making a video]  A warm diet cola product.

  [Jake gulps the soda] 

  Jake Harper : Ahhhh. Now, I will swallow a Mentos. Mentos. Now, I'll lay on the floor.

  Eldridge Mackelroy : Goggles?

  Jake Harper : Right. Safety first.

  Eldridge Mackelroy : You feel anything yet?

  Jake Harper : Oh, yeah. It's workin'.

  Eldridge Mackelroy : If it starts comin' out the back door, pull your pants down and roll over.

  Jake Harper : Good thinkin'.

  Alan Harper : [Alan comes into the kitchen]  Hey, what's goin' on?

  Jake Harper : Not a good time, Dad.

  Alan Harper : What are you doing on the floor?

  [Jake spews about four feet high, covering Alan] 

  Eldridge Mackelroy : [camera rolling]  Awesome!

  Alan Harper : [enraged]  What the hell are you doing?

  Jake Harper : I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

  Alan Harper : Are you all right?

  Jake Harper : Yeah. We were just makin' a video. Hold on.

  [Jake rushes to the sink to vomit some more] 

  Jake Harper : Cool stunts.

  Alan Harper : Cool stunts? In God's name, why?

  Jake Harper : You've heard of "Jackass"?

  Alan Harper : Yeah.

  Eldridge Mackelroy : [proudly]  We are "Dumbass".

• Jake Harper : [for their third "Dumbass" stunt, Jake is warming up some beans]  So, I'm thinking we call this stunt "Fart Rocket".

  Eldridge Mackelroy : Naw, I think we need to go with something a little more intellectual. How 'bout, "The Dumbass Ass Blaster"?

  Jake Harper : You can't use two "asses" in a row. It's... redumnant.

  Alan Harper : [comes into the kitchen]  Hey, what's goin' on?

  Jake Harper : Just makin' Eldridge somethin' to eat.

  Alan Harper : [sensing another stupid stunt]  Really.

  Eldridge Mackelroy : Yes, I was peckerish.

  Alan Harper : You mean, "peckish".

  Eldridge Mackelroy : Fine, if you wanna dicker.

  Jake Harper : Good one, dude!