The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Lester the Unlikely (2010)

James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd

Quotes 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I think this whole game was an experiment: to create the world's worst video game character. No wonder he didn't get his own sequels. I could imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would have been like. The game would start, and you couldn't even move. All that happens is Lester pulls down his pants, sucks on his thumb and takes a shit. The third game, you couldn't even get passed the title screen. All that happens is you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts.

  [cut to him kneeling in front of his SNES] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo,

  [SNES blows up] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : and it explodes. The fifth game isn't even a game! It's just a bag of shit that says "Lester the Unlikely 5" on it!

  [holds up a dripping bag] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : And there's a new one coming out on the PS4 using the latest state of the art technology of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. Just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for it's money.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West. I'd rather play a CD-i game. Yeah. Like "The Flowers of Robert Maplethorpe."

  [plays for a few minutes] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : No, I wouldn't.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : And the original Lester will always be a classic, that's improved like wine. Wine that's made from fermented rat piss with the fine auroma of a dead, fly-swarmed carcass of a three-day-old deer, and the delicate, crisp flavor of skunk farts, with highlights of ass sweat. The palate is rich with hints of residual dried poop crust from a truck stop bathroom and goes down with the long lasting finish of fly-covered summer harbor trash.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [looks at all his games]  What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Lester the Unlikely. It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This game is ass gravy.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This nerd makes me look like Charles Bronson. Steve Urkel could beat the shit out of this guy.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Fuck this game. Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV.

  [his old TV doesn't work] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Man, TV nowadays sucks.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I never noticed this rock before. Can I pick it up?

  [Lester picks up the rock] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh my God, now I feel like an idiot, but I can't really blame myself. I thought the rock was just a part of the scenery. How is anybody supposed to distinguish it from the rest of this crap?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered. To be someone you're not?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Run, Lester, run. Get away from that turtle. That turtle might charge really fast.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Now that is the most embarrassing walk cycle I've ever seen.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh come on, he can't even jump without getting hurt? This guy needs to take lessons from Mario.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Okay... title screen: a guy swinging on a vine... like every other jungle adventure game.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I didn't do that, the game did. Have you ever had a video game character disobey?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh no, why do so many games have to have bats? I hate bats. I fucking hate them.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Now he's afraid of totem poles? This guy sucks!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Why is he standing still? It's like he's asking to die. After all, it's the same guy who slept on a cargo platform.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I don't have time to climb down. This is a moment where being able to jump would be really helpful.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : A ruby. Cool. Wait, you can't keep both the rock and the ruby? Are you kidding me? You can't hold a weapon and an item at the same time? Why even have two boxes then?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Then comes the story: you're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock and then...

  [sighs] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Okay, I have no faith in this character already. He's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway. The ship is attacked by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : You can't jump on the turtle? Oh wait, you kick it? Why didn't I think of that before? Ha, jumping on the turtle. I really gotta stop thinking about Mario.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : The next level is inside a cave, and now things are becoming very labyrinth-like.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I figured out that you can kill these crabs by kicking them, and yes, that puny little kick is your only means of attack. The air humping, I don't know what that does. You can't hump the turtle.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Aw doody!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Geez, I feel like a fucking dumbass.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : The only way to find out what's below is to jump down.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Have you ever had a game do something against your will? Go near the damn turtle! What is so threatening about a fucking turtle?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Ugh! You can't even run and jump on a ledge without taking damage? You know what it is? You're not allowed to take shortcuts. It has to be as slow and diligent as possible. What a fussy game!