- Beverly Hofstadter: [Mrs. Hofstader & Penny are drinking in a bar] I feel a spreading warmth through my extremities.
- Penny: As long as you don't feel it running down your pants, you're fine.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me. I'm divorcing yours.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. He was cheating on me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No!
- Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress.
- [to Penny]
- Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, no offense, dear.
- Penny: [sarcastically] No, it sounded like a compliment.
- Leonard Hofstadter: When did this happen?
- Beverly Hofstadter: Well, let's see... Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard's father?
- Sheldon Cooper: September 22nd.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, that's right. The weekend after Leonard's dog died.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mitzy's dead?
- Sheldon Cooper: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?
- Beverly Hofstadter: [after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
- Penny: That's the Del Taco.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?
- Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of warm feelings, come here!
- [Kisses Sheldon square on the lips]
- Beverly Hofstadter: No, I'd rather have the busboy.
- Penny: You know, I could use a drink. Do you want to stop for a drink?
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I don't drink.
- Penny: I do. I'll teach you.
- Sheldon Cooper: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which frankly sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Merry Newtonmas, everyone!
- Sheldon Cooper: I sense that's not sincere, although I have no idea why.
- Penny: C'mon, I mean you're not upset that your marriage is over?
- Beverly Hofstadter: Well, initially I did feel something akin to grief and perhaps anger. But that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
- Penny: Sure, sure.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Thankfully my shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that I haven't had intercourse with him in eight years.
- Penny: Eight years?
- Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, that's nothing. I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
- Penny: Yikes.
- [Beverly snickers]
- Penny: OK, what's so funny?
- Beverly Hofstadter: That's exactly what I say during orgasms. Yikes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What is it?
- Sheldon Cooper: I made tea.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want tea.
- Sheldon Cooper: I didn't make tea for *you*. This is *my* tea.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Then why are you telling me?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's a conversation starter.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's a *lousy* conversation starter.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
- Penny: Hey, Bev. Guess what?
- Beverly Hofstadter: What?
- Penny: I'm sleeping with your son.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Really? Which one?
- Penny: The one from whom I live across the hall... from.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Well, that's convenient. How'd his penis turn out?
- Penny: Oh, Beverly, I-I can't talk to my boyfriend's mother about his penis.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, fair enough. What can you tell me if anything about that busboy's penis?
- Penny: Actually, I've only had the cheesecake.
- Beverly Hofstadter: [to Leonard] Why didn't you tell me you were tapping my homegirl?
- Beverly Hofstadter: [to Penny] Did I say that right?
- Penny: Yeah. Not bad. Not bad.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Are you guys drunk?
- Beverly Hofstadter: I hope so. Otherwise, why would we have stopped at Del Taco?
- [last lines]
- Beverly Hofstadter: I want you to take very good care of this young woman.
- Penny: Ohhh, thank you, Beverly.
- Beverly Hofstadter: You're welcome. She doesn't have much in the way of career prospects; don't make her responsible for her own orgasms as well.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mother, remember when I was complaining that you don't communicate with me enough?
- Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, dear.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm over it.
- Penny: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la.
- [first lines]
- Penny: Ah, I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
- Sheldon Cooper: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [to Deck the Halls] Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
- Penny: You really didn't like it, Sheldon?
- Sheldon Cooper: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character. And I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
- Leonard Hofstadter: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!
- Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon, I do hope you forgive me for my inappropriate behavior last night.
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't blame you. You were intoxicated.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: I blame Penny.
- Penny: I blame Penny too. Bad Penny.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What inappropriate behavior?
- Beverly Hofstadter: I think it's best that you don't know.
- Sheldon Cooper: Agreed.
- Penny: Agreed.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell. Agreed.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mom, you remember Penny?
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, the waitress-slash-actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger finally growing breasts?
- Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm gonna say no.
- Howard Wolowitz: If it helps, we're all good with your breasts.
- Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Classic overcompensation.
- Leonard Hofstadter: In my family, holidays weren't so much celebrated, as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society.
- Penny: Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hm, in a way. We presented papers. And then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.
- Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house, they induced neighborhood-wide seizures.
- Beverly Hofstadter: I will just pretend that Leonard's not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioral tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.
- Sheldon Cooper: Isn't she brilliant, Leonard? How I envy you.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Your "check engine" light is on.
- Penny: Yeah, I gotta put a sticker over that. So you must be devastated about your divorce.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, not at all. But I am a bit distressed to be in a vehicle that's not subjected to regular maintenance.
- Penny: Come on, I mean, you're not upset that your marriage is over?
- Beverly Hofstadter: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
- Penny: You know, Leonard did not wanna tell you we were dating.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Really? That means he's either embarrassed by the relationship or he doesn't care enough about his mother to tell her he's in one. Either way, one of us should be insulted.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What do you want?
- Sheldon Cooper: What I want is to be departing the starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttlecraft, headed to the planet I rule, known as Sheldon Alpha 5.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I want that too.
- Penny: So, what did she say when you told her we were going out?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Um
- Penny: You didn't tell her we were going out, did you?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Um
- Penny: Why not?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Um
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I'm no expert on meditation, but if you're trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.
- Sheldon Cooper: Just remember, Leonard. Where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're my surrogate family?
- Sheldon Cooper: If it's any consolation, I'm not happy about it either. Good night.
- Penny: What? Your mother's coming? When?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Tomorrow.
- Penny: When were you gonna tell me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Um, tomorrow?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mom, you remember Penny.
- Beverly Hofstadter: Oh yes, the waitress slash actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his 'little slugger' growing breasts?
- Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm going to say no.
- Sheldon Cooper: Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.