- Garrus Vakarian: Do you ever miss those talks we had on the elevators?
- Tali'Zorah: No.
- Garrus Vakarian: Come on. Remember how we'd always ask you about life on the flotilla? It was an opportunity to share!
- Tali'Zorah: This conversation is over.
- Garrus Vakarian: Tell me again about your immune system.
- Tali'Zorah: I have a shotgun.
- Garrus Vakarian: Mmmmaybe we'll talk later.
- Commander Shepard: If you want to help Urdnot you'd need to get back there. But It would take a real bad-ass to make it back while injured.
- Sick Krogran: I can do it.
- Commander Shepard: You! I said a bad-ass not some scout whining like a quarian with a tummy-ache.
- Tali'Zorah: I'm standing right here!
- Commander Shepard: [ordering a drink while heavily intoxicated] Put more of the stuff in the... the thing more stuff goes in.
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: I've got green across the board. The forward tanks are bouyant and elevated.
- Kenneth Donnelly: Are you talking about the Normandy, or Miranda?
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: I'm talking about the one that's covered and protected, not bouncing in the breeze.
- Kenneth Donnelly: I don't know. Officer Lawson's uniform is very official. It always makes me stand at attention.
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: You're such a dog.
- Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: [after giving EDI control of the ship] Argh! You want me to go crawling through the ducts again.
- EDI: I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees.
- EDI: [Upon seeing Joker with a worried expression on his face] That is a joke.
- Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Right.
- Gunnery Chief: This, recruits, is a 20-kilo ferrous slug. Feel the weight. Every five seconds, the main gun of an Everest-class dreadnought accelerates one to 1.3 percent of light speed. It impacts with the force of a 38-kilotomb bomb. That is three times the yield of the city buster dropped on Hiroshima back on Earth. That means Sir Isaac Newton is the deadliest son-of-a-bitch in space. Now! Serviceman Burnside! What is Newton's First Law?
- First Recruit: Sir! A object in motion stays in motion, sir!
- Gunnery Chief: No credit for partial answers, maggot!
- First Recruit: Sir! Unless acted on by an outside force, sir!
- Gunnery Chief: Damn straight! I dare to assume you ignorant jackasses know that space is empty. Once you fire this husk of metal, it keeps going till it hits something. That can be a ship, or the planet behind that ship. It might go off into deep space and hit somebody else in ten thousand years. If you pull the trigger on this, you're ruining someone's day, somewhere and sometime. That is why you check your damn targets! That is why you wait for the computer to give you a damn firing solution! That is why, Serviceman Chung, we do not "eyeball it!" This is a weapon of mass destruction. You are not a cowboy shooting from the hip!
- Second Recruit: Sir, yes sir!
- Commander Shepard: I couldn't do this without you, Garrus.
- Garrus Vakarian: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.
- Commander Shepard: Have you got a minute?
- Garrus Vakarian: Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some calibrations.
- The Illusive Man: Shepard, you're making a habit of costing me more than time and money.
- Commander Shepard: I'm sorry, I'm having trouble hearing you- I'm getting a lot of bullshit on this line.
- Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: It'll be better than the old days... You'll see!
- Commander Shepard: I hope so... I died!
- Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Geez, you're such a downer!
- Commander Shepard: Have you got a minute to talk?
- Prof. Mordin Solus: Actually, wanted to talk. Medical matters. Aware that mission is dangerous, different species react differently to stress. Aware you come by a great deal. Have had other species become attracted to me before. Awkward. Not interested.
- Commander Shepard: You've had members of another species make a pass at you?
- Prof. Mordin Solus: Constantly. Very awkward. Skin tone apparently attractive by turian standards. Subset of krogan sexual deviants enjoy salarian flexibility. More cartilage in skeletal structure. Asari offers intriguing, actually. Wonder why. Transspecies pheremones unlikely to work. Must be neurochemical.
- Commander Shepard: Wait a minute Mordin, you're just yanking me around, aren't you?
- Prof. Mordin Solus: Shocking suggestion! Doctor-patient confidentiality a sacred trust. Would never dream of mockery. Enjoy yourself while possible Shepard. Will be here studying cell reproduction. Much simpler. Less alcohol and mood music required.
- Commander Shepard: I'm sorry, I know that was important, but *you* performed Gilbert and Sullivan?
- Prof. Mordin Solus: [singing] I am the very model of a scientist salarian - I've studied species Turian, Asari and Batarian - I'm quite good at genetics as a subset of biology - because I am an expert which I know is a tautology! My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian - I am the very model of a scientist salarian!
- [long pause]
- Prof. Mordin Solus: Ahem.
- Commander Shepard: [discussing 'sparring'] So when should I book the room?
- Garrus Vakarian: I'd wait if you're OK with it. Disrupt the crew a little as possible. Take that last chance to find some calm just before the storm. You know me, always like to savor that last shot before popping the heatsink.
- [Shepard gives Garrus a knowing smirk]
- Garrus Vakarian: Wait... that metaphor just went somewhere horrible.
- Niftu Cal: I am a biotic god, I think things and they happen! Fear me, lesser creatures, for I am biotics made flesh!
- Commander Shepard: I don't know what drugs you're on, but stay back and I won't shoot you.
- Niftu Cal: You will regret your scandalous words! I am a great wind that will sweep all before me like a... a great wind! A great biotic wind! Yes, the asari injecting so many drugs into me was terrifying, But then I began to smell my greatness! They may laugh when I fall over, but they don't know what I know in my head... that I know that I am amazingly powerful! Fear me.
- Commander Shepard: Are you part of Pitne For's trade group?
- Niftu Cal: When I was mortal, I worked for Pitne. The poor soul is probably terrified that I have not returned.
- Jack: He didn't say anything about you going missing. Didn't want to get stuck here.
- Prof. Mordin Solus: Pitne picks money over friends. Unsurprising.
- Niftu Cal: Bah! I will wreak a just revenge upon his people! But first, the leader of these mercenaries is in the next room. I shall toss Wasea about like a rag doll!
- Zaeed: Shepard, want me to kneecap this guy so he doesn't follow us around?
- Jack: Fifteen creds says the little guy doesn't make it five steps in before the merc explodes him.
- Niftu Cal: I will tear her apart! My biotics are unstoppable!
- Commander Shepard: Charge.
- Niftu Cal: An ill wind blows upon Wasea, captain of the Eclipse sisters! After me!
- [Niftu Cal runs in and is immediately killed by Wasea]
- Jack: That was mean. But damn funny.
- Urdnot Wrex: Now, Shepard. What brings you here? How's the Normandy?
- Commander Shepard: Destroyed in a Collector surprise attack. I ended up spaced.
- Urdnot Wrex: Well, you look good. Ah, the benefits of a redundant nervous system!
- Commander Shepard: Yeah, humans don't have that.
- Urdnot Wrex: Oh. It must have been painful, then.
- Commander Shepard: Heard about anything interesting going on around here?
- Turian bartender: I serve drinks. You want to know what's going on, check the news.
- [pause]
- Turian bartender: I don't know why humans always ask me that.
- Commander Shepard: What do you think our chances are Garrus?
- Garrus Vakarian: Honestly? The Collectors have killed you once, and all it seems to have done is piss you off so...
- [Bachelor party with an asari stripper]
- Salarian: I still don't see why we're here. Salarians do not "get married." My family simply negotiated a reproduction contract...
- Human: Well, it's the closest you guys get to a wedding, and that means you get a bachelor party. End of story.
- Salarian: I don't understand. Humans celebrate wedding contracts by tempting infidelity? That makes no sense!
- Human: Calm down, man. Don't embarrass me in front of the stripper.
- Salarian: What do turians do? Do turians do this too?
- Turian: I'm just here for the drinks.
- Salarian: You said that bachelor parties are for very close friends. We're just co-workers.
- Human: We've been co-workers for five years though. Aren't salarian years like dog years?
- Salarian: Ok, now, that's offensive. I appreciate the gesture, but my people don't even have sex drives like humans do.
- Human: Uh-huh. Take a look at *that*, man. Everybody likes the asari. *Everybody*.
- Salarian: But we actually reproduce by... my word. She is very... limber. I can appreciate her dancing in an aesthetic manner, but... I don't have... feelings of... she is a lovely shade of blue.
- Turian: Ok, that makes my legs hurt just watching it, and my knees are meant to bend that way.
- Salarian: This isn't as bad as I'd feared. It's actually... i-is it warm in here? What's that little divot in her abdomen?
- Human: It's called a belly-button. Humans and asari have them, and you're going to be doing shots out of it later tonight.
- Turian: That can't be sanitary.
- Human: Not the point, man!
- Salarian: I can understand why I might find asari attractive, but how can they be attractive to humans too? They look just like salarians!
- Human: What? They look exactly like us! I'm not seeing the salarian thing at all. At all.
- Turian: You're both wrong. Asari look just like blue turians. Look at the head-fringe!
- Human: Wait, you don't think they're like, mind-controlling us to see them as attractive, do you?
- Turian: Please be quiet. You're going to ruin asari for me. And there aren't many turian women on Illium.
- Salarian: Well, I suppose watching just... one more dance couldn't hurt.
- Human: Hahaha! That's the spirit!
- Turian: As long as I'm not paying for the drinks.
- Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: If Mom could see me now, we'd have zombies on top of everything else.
- Commander Shepard: Would you like to talk about what happened with Tali?
- Legion: Unnecessary. Creator Tali'Zorah was afraid of us. Shepard-Commander is afraid of us. We understand. Organics do not choose to fear us. It is a function of your hardware.
- Commander Shepard: True. But I should be above that. I'm saying that I regret what happened. I have no reason to distrust you. You've been perfectly loyal to us all along.
- Legion: Our analysis of organic humor suggests an 87.3% chance that you expect us to respond with, "You are only human."
- Captain Enyala: [to Miranda] I was just waiting for you to finish getting dressed. Or does Cerberus really let you whore around in that outfit?
- Jack: I like her. Are we still recruiting?
- Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can't you collect coins or commemorative plates or something?
- EDI: Clan Urdnot has increased in strength after the destruction of Clan Weyrlock. In addition killing the thresher maw has produced several breeding requests for Grunt, and one for Shepard.
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: So Kenneth, do you know we've got a crazy woman squatting down in the sub-deck?
- Kenneth Donnelly: What? If she touches anything, I'll kill her.
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Oh, and the only thing she wears from the waist up is tattoos.
- Kenneth Donnelly: Oh! Maybe I should go down and welcome her aboard.
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: And she's a murderer who has biotic powers that could crush you in a blink. Hates everyone in Cerberus.
- Kenneth Donnelly: Damn it girl! Stop toying with me!
- [Preparing to give EDI full access to the ship]
- Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: I can already hear it... "This is all Joker's fault! What a tool he was! I have to spend all day computing pi because he plugged in the Overlord!"
- Commander Shepard: I trust you too Tali, but you don't have to prove anything to me.
- Tali'Zorah: I know... well no not that I know... it's just that... well... it's not normally like this... I mean, wow... when did it get so hot in here?
- Thane Krios: Amonkira, Lord of Hunters, grant that my hands be steady, my aim be true, and my feet swift. And should the worst come to pass, grant me forgiveness.
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Hey Kenneth, you hear Rupert is actually making good food now?
- Kenneth Donnelly: Yeah, but he couldn't make a good haggis to save his life!
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Yeah, but all haggis tastes like ass anyway.
- Kenneth Donnelly: Aye, but in the right hands, it can taste like mighty fine ass!
- Commander Shepard: I need Grunt back up to speed. What's wrong with him?
- Urdnot Wrex: There's nothing wrong with him. He's becoming a full adult.
- Garrus Vakarian: Adolescence? Can't we just take him to Omega and buy him a few dances?
- Kenneth Donnelly: Gabby, you'd say the Normandy is a she, not a he, right?
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: Of course. The Normandy's the sweetest girl there is.
- Kenneth Donnelly: And EDI's a she. Tali's definitely a she.
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: What are you getting at, Kenneth?
- Kenneth Donnelly: I'm just saying I'm feeling a wee bit threatened here. A lot of female energy, and I'm just one man.
- Engineer Gabriella Daniels: You're such a dick.
- Kenneth Donnelly: See! Look where your mind went. I've got to watch out for myself.
- Commander Shepard: How is it when I ask for someones help they never say sure no problem. No strings attached.
- Legion: We do not comprehend the organic fascination of self-poisoning, auditory damage and sexually transmitted disease.
- Commander Shepard: [When asked to relinquish weapons] I'll relinquish one bullet. Where do you want it?
- Commander Shepard: Have you got a minute to talk?
- Prof. Mordin Solus: Perhaps later. Trying to determine how scale itch got onto Normandy, sexually transmitted disease only carried by varren. Implications... unpleasant.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: So tell me what you want. If this all ends tomorrow, what happens to us?
- Commander Shepard: I don't know. Marriage, old age, and a lot of little blue children?
- The Illusive Man: I made you, Shepard! I brought you back from the dead!
- Commander Shepard: And I'm going to do what you brought me back to do. I'll fight and win this war without compromising the soul of our species.
- Harbinger: Human, you've changed nothing. Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction.
- Commander Shepard: What sound will you make when you hit the ground? You think you'll hear it before you die?
- Salarian: [about Nassana] Aim for her head, because she doesn't have a heart.
- Flight Lieutenant Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Hey, Commander, we got Garrus back! You know, he was always my favorite... with that pole up his ass...
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: She's got reinforcements!
- Commander Shepard: What kind of guns does this thing have?
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: It's a taxi! It has a fare meter!
- Commander Shepard: Wonderful.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: [surrounded by enemy troops] Their attacks are disorganized. They'd be more effective if they all attacked at once.
- Commander Shepard: Please don't give the mercs ideas.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: [more troops arrive] The next wave looks like a big one.
- Commander Shepard: You just had to give'em tactical advice.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: But now there'll be fewer left to deal with inside.
- Commander Shepard: Keep dreaming, T'Soni.
- [If you bring Legion on Tali's loyalty mission]
- Captain Kar'danna: Get that damn thing off my ship before you start an incident that makes the Ascension Project fiasco with Cerberus look like a slow day on garbage detail!
- Commander Shepard: When I take Tali aboard Council stations, the customs guys sometimes call her "that thing." This thing is named Legion.
- Captain Kar'danna: How about you step aside and we call it scrap metal?
- Legion: Our exterior shell is 72% polymer.
- Commander Shepard: You're awfully anxious to get Samara out of your district.
- Detective Anaya: My bosses want me to detain her. They're worried she'll cause some kind of cross-species incident. But her Justicar Code won't let her be taken into custody. If I try it, she'll have to kill me. I have no interest in dying, so if you lure her away with some big noble cause before I have to carry out my orders, I'm thrilled to help you.
- Commander Shepard: Your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason. You have a right to disobey.
- Legion: Shepard-Commander orders us to statistically probable death an average of 2.73 instances per day. Rounded down.
- Commander Shepard: You're awfully anxious to get Samara out of your district.
- Detective Anaya: My bosses want me to detain her. They're worried she'll cause some kind of cross-species incident. But her Justicar Code won't let her be taken into custody. If I try it, she'll have to kill me. I have no interest in dying, so if you lure her away with some big noble cause before I have to carry out my orders, I'm thrilled to help you.
- Commander Shepard: Your superiors are sending you to certain death for no good reason. You have a right to disobey.
- Prof. Mordin Solus: Good to know, given the number of times we're ordered into hazardous situations. Twice a day, on average.
- Miranda Lawson: I don't know what this is, if this is stress or just blowing off steam or...
- Commander Shepard: I care about you, Miranda. And I think you care about me.
- Miranda Lawson: This is no time for emotional entanglement! You and I know more about the Collectors than anyone, we know how unlikely it is we're coming back alive! What idiotic bunch of hormones thought that now was a great time for love?
- Commander Shepard: Who said anything about love? I'm just trying to get you into bed.
- Miranda Lawson: You ass...
- Commander Shepard: Come on, Miranda. You know you want this.
- Miranda Lawson: I do...