The Happytime Murders (2018)
Joel McHale: Agent Campbell
Photos
Quotes
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Agent Campbell : I'll have your badge for this! I'm in the fuckin' FBI!
Phil Philips : Oh yeah what's that stand for, "fuckin' big idiot?"
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Agent Campbell : Word on the street is that you did okay.
Lt. Banning : Okay? Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.
Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero. I just got a lucky shot off.
Connie Edwards : Come on.
Agent Campbell : No hard feelings?
Phil Philips : Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.
Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?
Agent Campbell : What?
Connie Edwards : [laughing with Phil] I said, "Asshole says what?". And you said...
Phil Philips : And you said, "What?".
Connie Edwards : 'Cause you're an asshole.
Phil Philips : Yeah.
Agent Campbell : What?
Connie Edwards : [laughing again] Every time.
Phil Philips : Yeah.
Connie Edwards : Always works on assholes.
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Phil Philips : You can't actually like me for these murders.
Agent Campbell : We like you very much for these murders.
Phil Philips : What's my motive?
Agent Campbell : The reason most men do stupid things. A woman.
[he turns the lights off and a one-way mirror to an adjacent room opens]
Agent Campbell : Enjoy the show.
Phil Philips : [seeing Sandra inside] What the hell is she doing here?
Connie Edwards : Who is that?
Phil Philips : It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.
Lt. Banning : Actually, her name is Sandra Peterson. She walked into the federal building this morning and said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.
Phil Philips : Hey, I didn't murder anybody.
Connie Edwards : I didn't know Jenny was even married.
Phil Philips : Neither did I.
Lt. Banning : [turning on the intercom] Let's listen in.
Sandra : Well, he said that he killed them. The entire Happytime Gang, even his own brother.
Phil Philips : What?
Agent Campbell : And why would he do that?
Sandra : We've been having an affair, and he wanted to run away together. He said he killed them all so that I would get my wife Jenny's share, and then I'd be rich, and he could have me all to himself.
Phil Philips : I should have kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.
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Agent Campbell : Freeze, Philips!
Phil Philips : You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.
Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
Phil Philips : Okay, I'm dropping it.
Connie Edwards : [seeing the stand-off] Oh, shitcakes.
Agent Campbell : Edwards! Drop the weapon!
[she starts to lower it]
Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
Connie Edwards : I did!
Agent Campbell : Now!
Connie Edwards : What? Somebody wanna help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here? 'Cause he's obviously fuckin' blind.
Agent Campbell : Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.
Phil Philips : Jesus Christ.
Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?
Agent Campbell : What?
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Agent Campbell : You're done, Edwards. Consider yourself suspended. Give me your badge.
Connie Edwards : Yeah? Great. Here. Fucking choke on it. Fuck all of you guys. Fuck you, Wreach. You know what?
[taking his phone cable]
Connie Edwards : It's my fucking charger that you never asked for and you never gave back.
Agent Campbell : Nice.
Connie Edwards : You all fucking suck.
Agent Campbell : Yeah, yeah. Burn every bridge. Good.
Connie Edwards : And you know what? Everybody knows Karen is not a real redhead.
Carol : I'm a real redhead.
Connie Edwards : No, you're not. You had enough bush coming out of your cutoffs at the family picnic to fucking choke a horse.
Agent Campbell : Jeez.
Connie Edwards : Carol, we never got to talk, but you seem cool. And I wish I would've fucked you, Donny.
Donny : It's not too late.