- College Student: [dissecting poop] Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.
- Dennis Reynolds: Alright, well now we're gettin' somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?
- Charlie Kelly: It's gonna go both ways dude, sorry.
- Dennis Reynolds: Really?
- Charlie Kelly: Yeah, what else? What else?
- College Student: This appears to be a piece of a credit card.
- Frank Reynolds: Inconclusive.
- Dennis Reynolds: How is that not specific to one of you?
- Charlie Kelly: I wish it was man, but that's inconclusive.
- College Student: Oh boy, there's a good deal of blood in this stool. Whoever's it is should see a doctor.
- Charlie Kelly: Well, don't give us judgements, just tell us what's in there. What's in there, what else?
- College Student: Is this wolf hair?
- Frank Reynolds: Also inconclusive.
- Dennis Reynolds: Jesus Christ!
- Dee Reynolds: You should know how to hold your booze a little better.
- Waitress: [wasted] I'll hold your boobs a little better...
- Dee Reynolds: If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class. We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes.
- Artemis: He was gonna find out anyway.
- Artemis: Frank needed someone to replicate Charlie's small and malnourished turd. And that's where he came across his old friend, Rickety Cricket. Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool. Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery.
- Dee Reynolds: You're not going to go out with me tonight because these idiots found two poopies in a bed?