- Juliet O'Hara: Lassiter is just being a child about his detective exam score!
- Shawn Spencer: Wait, the D.E.T.? I took that when I was fifteen. I got 100.
- Carlton Lassiter: I'm sorry... you said you got a perfect score?
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah.
- Juliet O'Hara: And you were fifteen?
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah. Why, what did you guys get?
- [beat]
- Carlton Lassiter: You know, it's probably changed a lot since then. You can't really compare it.
- Juliet O'Hara: Oh, apples and oranges.
- Shawn Spencer: Brace yourself. Jann doesn't actually exist.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: What?
- Shawn Spencer: Fact: There is no record of Jann Angland, buyer of fine wines and food, on the internet anywhere. I did find a Jeff Angland. He's an albino with a website dedicated to "Short Circuit".
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You put us on the e-mail list?
- Shawn Spencer: That's a given.
- Mira Gaffney: It's Gus's fault, really. Ever since what happened between he and I, my parents have been skeptical of every guy I've been with: Andy, Amir, Guru Anupam, Gay Andy, Anthony...
- Shawn Spencer: Does Gay Andy know you call him that?
- Mira Gaffney: He gave himself that name.
- [to a private investigator who has very obviously been following them]
- Shawn Spencer: If I might give you a little criticism, I don't think you've quite mastered the "private" part. Of course, if you were going for "most obvious" detective... nailed it!
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You already wrote my eulogy?
- Shawn Spencer: I don't remember that.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [reading] "Gus is survived by his best friend Shawn Spencer and twelve cats."
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I don't know if I can control myself around her, so you have to promise you'll stop me from getting sucked into Hurricane Mira again.
- Shawn Spencer: Just call me the Suck Stopper.
- [pause]
- Shawn Spencer: Scratch that, don't... don't ever call me that.
- Mrs. Gaffney: You know, Shawn, I have very fine taste, and I like my wine, like I like my men: white and hairy.
- Shawn Spencer: That doesn't make any sense. None whatsoever.
- Mrs. Gaffney: Take a sip before I finish the bottle.
- [Shawn takes a sip, then spits it out]
- Shawn Spencer: That's... that's disgusting.
- Mrs. Gaffney: That's a thirty thousand dollar bottle of Spanish sherry.
- [Shawn reluctantly takes another sip]
- Shawn Spencer: [strained] Mmm... it's good.
- Shawn Spencer: [picks up a bottle] The wine is named Mira.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Maybe they name a wine after all their employees.
- Shawn Spencer: Remind me to grab a bottle of Leonard on the way out.
- Juliet O'Hara: McNab!
- Carlton Lassiter: We're commandeering your watch.
- McNab: [laughs] You're commandeering my...
- Carlton Lassiter: Watch!
- McNab: Okay.
- [looking at a photo of Gus's Mexican wedding]
- Shawn Spencer: And your best man was a goat? I was supposed to be that goat!
- Shawn Spencer: [voiceover] Dude, skydiving is one thing, but how did she get you to marry her?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: [voiceover] Three words. Three little words.
- Mira Gaffney: Let's try Goldschlager!
- Henry Spencer: Now listen, we don't get to go out very often, so I want you to order something special. Harbor Grill is one of the nicest restaurants in Santa Barbara.
- Young Gus: I'm gonna have nachos!
- Shawn Spencer: Come on, man, we haven't played golf in forever. This is going to be fun. Plus, I promise to keep my "Caddyshack" references to a minimum.
- [Shawn and Gus head to the first hole]
- Shawn Spencer: Now I've heard this club is restricted, so, uh... don't tell them you're Jewish.
- Mira Gaffney: [lovingly] Sweet Gus...
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, he's pretty sweet, all right. His head is like a chocolate-covered honeydew.
- Karen Vick: How sure are you about this theory?
- Shawn Spencer: Crystal.
- [pause]
- Shawn Spencer: That doesn't really work. Uh, very. Very sure.
- Shawn Spencer: [laughing] This guy! Talking about one of *us* being married! Could you even imagine that? Why aren't you laughing?
- [Gus is quiet]
- Shawn Spencer: [nervous] Why aren't you laughing?
- Juliet O'Hara: Solve your own cases! It's a refrigeration truck! It's practically a victimless crime.
- Carlton Lassiter: Well, I guess you just don't count the people who aren't going to get their lobster and sand dabs as victims. I'm surprised the Miami P.D. didn't fail you for lack of compassion.
- Carlton Lassiter: [Shawn believes that Mira's "missing" fiance doesn't exist, but Jann shows up unexpectedly at the police station] Doesn't exist, huh? That's great. Hey, should I put out an imaginary A.P.B. for him on my invisible radio?