- Ned: It's all very confusing: there's murdered magic dads and promise of tasty pate with tuna sauce.
- Emerson Cod: What do you think you was sayin' in your head? Because that ain't what came out of yo mouth.
- Vivian Charles: ...and you certainly took your time to come calling. Charles has been dead for twenty years.
- Dwight Dixon: I've been in prison for twenty-two.
- Vivian Charles: Emotional or federal?
- Dwight Dixon: I'm gonna say yes to both.
- Emerson Cod: Hey, nerd, you need to get yourself a bigger human shield or something - you hanging out all sorts of places I could shoot. How about you just let wee lady wee go?
- Emerson Cod: [not impressed by Ned's brothers' magic trick] Oooo! Where is that ass of a rat I could give?
- Emerson Cod: [calling after twins] Hey! don't you be goin' around chasin' murder suspects willy-nilly! Whatcha gon do? Use your wonder-twin powers?
- Ned: The Great Hermann will be avenged. I don't mean vigilante justice, because what kind of example would that be?
- Emerson Cod: ...honey, you been spurned. And next to the spurned lover, the spurned employee rides shotgun on the Homicide Chuckwagon.
- Gunther Pinker: I eat glass, nails and regurgitate fish, frogs and mice. I'm working my way up to a kitten.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Regurgitating a kitten? That's a unique talent.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: What do you got against a magic show?
- [exultantly]
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: There's sequins, and drama, and the promise of bloodshed!
- Maurice: You're not invited if you're gonna heckle.
- Emerson Cod: But shazam
- [reaches behind the back of the twin's head]
- Emerson Cod: I have a ticket.
- The Great Herrmann: I feel I should hug you. Can I give you a big hug? I'm already hugging, and there's nothing you can do about it.
- Olive Snook: I want a hug!
- The Great Herrmann: I'm not made of hugs.
- The Great Herrmann: And you... I sense you're a great investigator of things unsolved. Named after a poet and a fish...
- Emerson Cod: Uh-huh, I sense you better give me back my wallet 'fore I make my foot disappear up your...
- Emerson Cod: While we can appreciate and sympathize with your predicament, mister Herrmann...
- The Great Herrmann: Please, call me Great.
- Emerson Cod: No.
- The Great Herrmann: What do you tell a couple of kids you've never met that their dad, who you've never met, has just dropped them like they were hot? You can't sugarcoat that turd.
- Ned: No, not effectively. What did you tell them?
- The Great Herrmann: What they wanted to hear - that their dad was an important man with important-man matters to attend to. "Blah-blah-blah, please stop crying, blah!"
- Olive Snook: He magically put those tickets in that pie.
- Emerson Cod: If by "magically," you mean "made you look that way so you wouldn't see what they were doing this way", then, yes, those tickets alakazammed their way right underneath that delicious flaky crust.
- [chuckles falsely, then suddenly serious and blasé]
- Emerson Cod: Or: hocus pulled the damn tickets out of his pocket, and pocus slid them under the pie pan, as evidenced by the cherry-rhubarb crumble on his sleeve.
- Gunther Pinker: So what's our promise to each other?
- Olive Snook: Stay calm.
- Gunther Pinker: Which means?
- Olive Snook: No screaming?
- Gunther Pinker: You're wonderful! I can't wait to let you go.