- Ned: Everything we do is a choice. Oatmeal or cereal, highway or sidestreets, kiss her or keep her. We make choices, and we live with consequences. If someone gets hurt along the way, we ask for forgiveness, it's the best anyone can do.
- [during a sword fight]
- Wilfred Woodruff: You should know that I was thrice named ultimate sword master at the Southern Area Regional Volunteer Infantry Reenactment Regiment!
- Ned: I wanted to be a Jedi.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: [Emerson is stuck, trying to get in through a small window] Are you stuck?
- Emerson Cod: No.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Yes, you are. You're like Winnie the Pooh. Give me your paws, Pooh.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Remember, mind over matter makes Pooh unfatter.
- Emerson Cod: I might be stuck, but I can still reach my gun.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You stole that off my dead body?
- [shuts the casket]
- Ned: Uh, it's stuck.
- Emerson Cod: Oh, you BETTER be playing!
- Ned: Twenty-nine seconds.
- Emerson Cod: Oh, HELL NO!
- [runs out]
- Olive Snook: Do you want to be a delivery boy, or a delivery man?
- Delivery Boy: Boy. You be the man.
- Olive Snook: But it's my day off! And I'm a girl!
- Alfredo: Might I make an observation?
- Olive Snook: Compliment or criticism?
- Alfredo: A neutral thought I would say. It's not a compliment nor critical.
- Olive Snook: Neutral thought, gives me pause!
- Alfredo: Neutral for this portion of the conversation but I do have a complimentary observation as part of a follow-up discussion, which I intend to headline with an offer to repair your espresso machine.
- Olive Snook: What's your neutral thought?
- Alfredo: You seem decidedly unhappy.
- Olive Snook: I haven't decided that!
- Alfredo: No anxieties? Neuroses? Pathologies?
- Olive Snook: Garden variety. What are you beating at?
- Alfredo: I'm beating at happiness. I've beaten it into submission and bottled it for convenience. It's homeopathic.
- Olive Snook: Meaning it deeply relates to gay people.
- Alfredo: Gay only in that they are bright, they are happy!
- Narrator: The expression "pie in the sky" / Entered popular culture in 1911. / It refers to a desert so sweet, / It could only be found in heaven. / If you're craving something / Before you die, / I recommend where / The Pie Maker makes his pies. / But if you're like Chuck, / You may enjoy the pie / Even after you die. / Her sixty seconds came and went, / She stayed alive / And instead, / Someone else had to die. / He kept Chuck blissfully / Unaware of this fact. / She was alive again, / That was that.
- Ned: Louis Schatz is a big fat liar. And I say "fat" in reference to his size as a liar, not as a judgment of his physical appearance.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Which birthday do I celebrate? I've got two of them now: The first day I was alive or the first day I was alive again.
- Ned: The one that requires less explanation.
- Olive Snook: Musing on the idea of setting someone on fire doesn't mean you REALLY want to set them on fire, it's just the thought of it that makes you happy. But only for a second, then you feel bad, but that second could be a lot of fun!
- Emerson Cod: That was the Truth Bus.
- Olive Snook: That wasn't the Truth Bus. That was the Bitchy Crosstown Express.
- Olive Snook: Someone has made you the happy recipients of a pie from The Pie Hole. As in "shut your." Or, in this case, "open your," because it's really good!
- Vivian Charles: [thoughtful] Pie Hole... I like it, it's provocative.
- Narrator: At that very moment Chuck saw the Pie Maker, perhaps not as he really was, but as he would always appear to her: her Prince Charming.
- Alfredo Aldarisio: Espresso? Please?
- Olive Snook: We have coffee.
- Alfredo Aldarisio: You have an espresso machine.
- Olive Snook: It's broken. Sits there being pretty, but nobody touches it. Decaf or regular?
- Alfredo Aldarisio: No flavors? Hazelnut? French vanilla?
- Olive Snook: Why can't sugar be enough?
- [about Charlotte Charles, who she just found out was not dead]
- Olive Snook: I could smell trouble on her like she stepped in it and it stuck to her heel.
- Vivian Charles: Pies for breakfast always remind me of mother.
- Lily Charles: Vermouth always reminds me of mother.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: You won't even know I'm here.
- Emerson Cod: 'Cause you're leaving?
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: No.
- [Ned accidentally resurrects an old man]
- Elderly Man: What part of "do not resuscitate" do you not understand?
- Olive Snook: Someone has made you the recipients of a pie from 'The Pie Hole'... as in "shut your", or in this case, "open your" because it's real good.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Do you remember my eighth birthday, right before my Dad died? Do you remember what you got me?
- Ned: A tee-shirt.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: With a beaver on it and he had little kisses on his cheek and was holding a sign saying, "Be kind to animals, kiss a beaver."