- Skinny Man: I've come for your head, Fat Man!
- Chris: You think you're the first? You think I got this job because I'm fat and jolly?
- [after getting a lump of coal for Christmas]
- Billy Wenan: [screaming] You just messed up big time, fat man!
- Weyland Meeks: Um... can I help you?
- Skinny Man: I'm looking for the fat man. Where is he?
- Weyland Meeks: Excuse me?
- Skinny Man: Santa Claus, MF'er!
- Skinny Man: [on his toy car] Remember this? This was the only goddamn thing you ever gave me! And after all those letters I wrote you.
- Chris: I'm sorry, son. There are limits to what I can do. I couldn't replace your parents.
- Chris: A wicked soul bent on vengeance and bloodshed came to my door... like you Billy... he's burried
- Skinny Man: How much do you think your childhood wish/gift is worth?
- Skinny Man: [slams baseball bat down] I'll give you 900 dollars or you can FUCK OFF
- Ruth: [on their payment check] This won't even cover the power. We have employees to pay, food to buy, and quite frankly, this is one humdinger of a time to lay this burden on us.
- Chris: No, we're only the largest economic stimulus in the entire world. Christmas generates three trillion dollars in the US alone. We can't even pay our power bill. You think there's something wrong with that?
- Skinny Man: You know what I got for Christmas when I was a kid?
- [shows off burns]
- Skinny Man: You never forget the smell of burning flesh and menthols.
- Border Agent: What's the purpose of your visit?
- Skinny Man: [pleasantly handing over his passport] Recreation. Hunting. I'm gonna kill some things.
- Chris: [walking and talking] It's gonna be a squeaker, even if everything goes perfectly.
- [handing his coffee mug to a passing elf]
- Chris: Refill. Thanks...
- Elf 7: Which it never does.
- Chris: When have you seen it go perfect?
- Elf 7: 1910 was close.
- Chris: Well, a bad war that year.
- Elf 7: You can't blame yourself...