The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Pepsiman (PS1) (2019)

James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd

Quotes 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everyone, except himself.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Let's pop this corporate cock-fuck in.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Okay, so thankfully, we're on to the final level: Pepsi City, a dystopian urban sprawl that should pose as a warning of rampant consumerism. It's a place that's completely comprised of advertisements. Imagine if Roddy Piper wore the sunglasses from They Live here. His head would explode.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Honestly, seeing all these Pepsi logos and playing this game is doing the exact opposite of making me want a Pepsi. It makes me want NOT a Pepsi.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : So after traversing through this urban hellscape, you get to this truck that keeps launching barrels. Yeah, I guess Donkey Kong's in there, and he hates Pepsiman as much as I do.

• TV Game Guy : Pepsiman is pure evil, and he'll stop at nothing, until the entire universe... is Pepsi.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : That's very interesting... like I give a shit! Though, can we talk about this 'TV game' thing?

  TV Game Guy : Don't you get it? He will stop at nothing, and take away everything you love, everything you cherish and care about... and turn it into Pepsi. He gets you hooked, and slowly destroys your life. There was a time when refrigerator was jam-packed with wholesome, nutritious foods. Lettuce, almond milk, tofu-flavored tofu. And that was all taken away... and turned into Pepsi. He turned my dog into Pepsi! And you remember all those cans strewn about the living room? Some of those aluminum cans... were my wife... and my children! I had to sell... the scrap... from my can family, just to pay for their funeral. He broke me! He destroyed me! He ruined me.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Yeah, I understand. He... turned my beer into Pepsi.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : The TV Guy! You saved me! Are you okay, man?

  TV Game Guy : [nearly half his body is covered in a rotting, brown liquid]  Does it look like I'm okay? I'm turning into Pepsi!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [Pepsiman falls into a vat of cola]  Is he dead?

  TV Game Guy : That's orange soda. You ever mix cola and orange soda? Germans love it. They call it... Spezi. It's disgusting.

• TV Game Guy : [in game]  Pepsi for TV game.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Not "video game", but "TV game"? Er, it makes sense. Yeah, from now on, I'm the Angry TV Game Nerd.

• TV Game Guy : [in game; finishes off one Pepsi, then cracks open another]  Pepsi for pizza.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Pepsi for pizza? Yeah, actually, a pizza would be pretty good about...

  [Pepsiman hands him a pizza slice] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh, thanks.

  [as he's about to eat it, Pepsiman turns it into-you guessed it-a Pepsi] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : I hate you.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : What the hell is wrong with this mascot? Chester Cheetah was cool, Cool Spot had 'cool' in his name, but Pepsiman? He's not cool at all. He doesn't make me want to drink a Pepsi. Makes me want to drink a fuckin' beer.

  [Pepsiman turns his Rolling Rock into a Pepsi bottle] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : What? I said, makes me want to drink a fuckin' beer.

  [Pepsiman turns his bottle of Jeffe into Pepsi] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh come on!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [sees the inside of TV Game Guy's refrigerator]  Wow, that's a lot of Pepsi. I'll bet his bowel movements are like tar and colon foam.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : So, Pepsiman runs around, collecting Pepsi, while dodging cars, pedestrians, pogo jackhammer fucks, Chuds, and this garbage man who's being an asshole. Look, they wait for him at an intersection and then start launching garbage out the truck. Dicks.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Pepsiman doesn't give any shits either. He'll run right through your house. Hell, he'll even run right into you and send you flyin' through your kitchen wall. That guy's probably dead.

  [Pepsiman nods] 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This game is just mindless... brain waste. It's-it's-it's an advertisement that's meant to push process poison pissed outta Pepsiman's pee hole!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [Pepsiman offers him a bottle]  What you got there? That's not Pepsi, that's... a Rolling Rock! An actual Rolling Rock. Y'know what? Pepsiman's actually pretty cool. Cheers, buddy.

  [takes a drink and spits it out] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : This isn't Rolling Rock. It's not even beer. This is Crystal Pepsi! And it's old, and- what is this, from the 90s? It's all flat.

• TV Game Guy : [in game]  Have a Pepsi.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : No thanks.

  TV Game Guy : Next stage.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This level is horrifying. It's like society's final days, brought to you by Pepsi.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [the phone rings]  Who's callin'?

  [Pepsiman tries to take the phone away] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh come on, come on, no one's calling you.

  [answers the phone] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Hello?

  TV Game Guy : Hello, is Pepsiman there?

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh, I guess it is for you.

  TV Game Guy : No, no, no, don't give him the phone. You need to listen to me very carefully. You need to get out of there. Pepsiman is evil, he wants nothing more...

  [Pepsiman turns the phone into a Pepsi can] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh come on, don't you know how hard it is to find a good phone like this?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Everything is so precise for such a piece of shit game.

• TV Game Guy : He's terminated.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : It's over.

  TV Game Guy : No... not yet. There's still one more Pepsiman remaining

  [points to his head] 

  TV Game Guy : And it must be destroyed also.

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh, um... can you at least tell me what that 'Pepsi for TV game' thing means?

  TV Game Guy : Actually, I don't remember any of that. My brain is literally just chunks of Pepsi now. Here, use these chains to lower me down into the orange soda, so I can die a real... cinematic-like death. The death I deserve. A hero.

  [instead, Nerd pushes him off the ledge] 

  TV Game Guy : You asshole!

  [splashes into the soda below] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Pepsi for funerals.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Finally, I get to the end of the level, and he buys a Pepsi from a vending machine. Why don't the people go to this one at the Kid & Kids store, instead of rioting like a bunch of Pepsi-crazed freaks? And why does Pepsiman buy a Pepsi when he just collected 94 Pepsis? And why can't I go one goddamn sentence sentence without saying "Pepsi"?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [Pepsiman hisses in his face]  Oh, dude, dude, your breath. It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos!

  [Pepsiman screams in terror and runs away] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Wow... um, that worked. Thanks to Mentos.

  [holds it up and poses] 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : So finally, you make it to the rioters who are going apeshit by this Pepsi machine. This one's at a different Kid & Kid Store, and this one lady's biting her shirt or something, and this guy's jackin' off. Pepsiman gives them Pepsi, and all is well... that is, until the Pepsi truck smashes into you, sending you into a Pepsi billboard with a giant Pepsi can that rolls after you Indiana Jones style.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : I feel like it'd be easier in real life to run through a sewer and collect Pepsi.