- Reese: Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way. We have to think outside the box. If you were a diving board, what would you want someone to do with you?
- Dewey: Take me ice-skating.
- Reese: Don't be an idiot. That place is freezing, and it's always so crowded.
- Dewey: Yeah, but they have good hot dogs.
- Reese: Those hot dogs suck compared to the ones at the train station.
- Dewey: Why would a diving board want to go to the train station?
- Reese: How should I know? Maybe he wants to visit a relative.
- Malcolm: Okay! Okay! Back in the box.
- Reese: I think it's my last time.
- Malcolm: Last time for what?
- Reese: For anything stupid and reckless and fun. Maybe it's because I'm almost 18 now, but lately I've been hearing this voice in my head that says, "That's dangerous, that's stupid. You're gonna hurt yourself." And the old voice, the one that says, "This is fun. Do it anyways. They'll figure out how to save you." It just gets quieter and quieter. Pretty soon, I won't be able to hear it at all. But before it dies, I want to say goodbye to it the right way. We'll give it the best send-off any crazy voice could ever ask for. I'd do it for mine.
- Lois: Jamie, this is ridiculous! You'll eat dead bugs out of the zapper, for God's sake, why won't you eat your peas?
- Dewey: Jamie tries to kill Mom, and we're the ones who have to clean it up. You want to tell me how that's fair?
- Malcolm: You gotta give that kid some credit. It's the closest any of us actually ever came.
- Dewey: Yeah. Jamie wasn't really spawned by Satan, was he?
- Malcolm: No. If he was, we'd have a way better house.
- Lois: You know what, Hal? I'm done. I give up.
- Hal: What are you talking about?
- Lois: Jamie wins. He beat me. All those years, all those terrible things those kids have done. It doesn't make me stronger, it's just worn me down. Like termites eating away at a house, until all that's holding up is paint. I'm just paint, Hal. Jamie knows it. You'll do a better job than I can. I trust you.
- Hal: No, no, no. No-no-no-no-no-no! You can't leave me alone with those kids! We had a deal, Lois! You are in charge of the spiritual and emotional development, discipline and scary injuries. I kill spiders, mark their heights on the door frames and supply car snacks. You walk out now and the whole system falls apart!
- Lois: [In a flashback of when Francis was young]
- [after seeing Francis pouring lighter fluid into a cup]
- Lois: Fire... is... dangerous.
- [starts the fireplace and throws Francis's teddy bear into it]
- Lois: Fire can hurt you. Fire can kill you. I will not let that happen. Let me make one thing clear. I love you and I will do whatever I have to to take care of you, and keep you safe and happy and alive. I don't care if you grow up to hate me, but you will understand this: I will... do... anything. That is how much I love you.