Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

Hobgoblins (1998)

Michael J. Nelson: Mike Nelson

Quotes 

• Crow T. Robot : Say Mike, give the incredibly depraved attitude regarding women in today's movie, I knew you'd want me to make a short film for boys and young men teaching them how to treat the fairer sex, with a proper and healthy respect.

  [Mike and Servo are both reading] 

  Crow T. Robot : Uh... Mike! Mike!

  Mike Nelson : Uh, yeah sure.

  Crow T. Robot : So, ah, good, because I went ahead and did it anyway, and hopefully it will help just a little! Let's watch...

  Crow T. Robot : ["Let's talk Women" - Crow's short film about women]  Aaaah, women. Women, women, women, women, women, women, women. Ha-ha-ha-ha. For you young fellows, fresh on the cusp of a blooming manhood, the questions are bound; what are women like? what do women want? how should I treat a women? Perhaps the thorniest problem facing any young man is finding a woman in the first place! It turns out to be... nealy *impossible!* This reporter spent countless hours searching for a woman, like these pictured here

  [shows clips of Hobgoblins, with Amy and Daphne in them] 

  Crow T. Robot : to no avail. The nearest we came during a tense stakeout was this fellow

  [Shows a clip of Mike Nelson biting into a sandwich,] 

  Crow T. Robot : who experts believe, is not a woman. We begin to wonder, where are all the women? The over-heated references in poetry, the images that dominate our media, is it all an elaborate fraud? This grainy photograph is the only direct evidence we have of a woman in her natural environment.

  [Shows a black and white, Bigfoot-like photo of a large women in a forest] 

  Crow T. Robot : The longer hair, the gentle and nurturing demeanour are typical of how witnesses describe their supposed encounters with women. This footprint

  [Crow stands beside a clay model of a huge Bigfoot-sized footprint] 

  Crow T. Robot : , while possibly the work of jokesters, is another piece of the puzzle! And it is hard to discount this mans terrifying story!

  [Crow, wearing a moustahce, and putting on a fake voice, appears on the screen] 

  Crow T. Robot : "Then... uh... this woman - I think it was a woman... she... uh... married me"

  [Crow ,off-screen, as an interviewer] 

  Crow T. Robot : "Did you have any children, sir?" "I don't remember!"

  [Back to normal Crow] 

  Crow T. Robot : Some day perhaps, an actual woman will emerge, and they will no longer exist only in the realm of myth and maybe. Thank You.

  [Video Ends] 

  Crow T. Robot : [sighs]  Oh yeah, so, anyway Mike, in conclusion, um... in the off chance that you do run into a woman, uh, you know, treat her with respect and stuff.

  Mike Nelson : [Chuckles]  Okay, you do know Crow, you do know women though, what about Pearl?

  Crow T. Robot : [Thinking]  Okay, so *one* woman exists, that mean *all women exist!

  Mike Nelson : We'll be right back.

  Crow T. Robot : Name me one other woman!

  Mike Nelson : Well, um...

  [Frowns and thinks] 

• Tom Servo : [the opening credits start]  Hey the end credits, horrible movie but at least it's short!

  Mike Nelson : No these are the beginning credits.

  Tom Servo : Oh well, then kill me please!

• Mike Nelson : Hey! Don't scratch the quaterflash!

• Mike Nelson : Ah! An hour into the movie, and finally some Hobgoblins.

• Mike Nelson : [as a Hobgoblin drives a golf cart along]  Hmmm, a real smooth ride, good steering, I like it.

• Mike Nelson : [as background music stops]  They ripped out the tape player!

• McCreedy : If you only knew what you just did!

  Kevin : But I don't understand! What just happened?

  McCreedy : The vault... I tried to warn you... those creatures... the vault... I tried...

  Crow T. Robot : Sentence fragments... Just phrases!

  McCreedy : For thirty years I've been trying to prevent this from happening!

  Kevin : T-to prevent *what* from happening?

  McCreedy : Those creatures, why, why do you think I spent the last thirty years of my life here?

  Crow T. Robot : Low SAT's?

  McCreedy : I was keeping them from escaping... I was young when I began to work here, and the studio was busy and prosperous.

  [the guys start to mock McCreedy, as his voice becomes high-pitched and trembly as he speaks] 

  Mike Nelson : Now I sound like Joseph Campbell!

• Mike Nelson : [as Kyle, when the hobgoblins attack]  There's a girl touching me! Yuck!

• Mike Nelson : [as McCreedy uses the phone]  This is Captain Kangaroo. Come in, Mr. Moose.

• Mike Nelson : [as Dennis backs onto the stage]  Ladies and gentlemen, Flatbutt.

• Mike Nelson : [singing]  It's the '80's! Do a lot of coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!

• Daphne : See you guys later!

  Mike Nelson : Okay, Olive Oyl!

• Mike Nelson : [Daphne enters the room, her clothes a mess]  After my date with Prince I went right home!

• Mike Nelson : He's really my mentor. He showed me how to truly love a woman from across the street, through a telescope.

• Mike Nelson : [as McCreedy walks across the screen]  Huh, what, has he got pringles in his shoes?

• McCreedy : Dennis! Dennis!

  Mike Nelson : I wanna play tennis!

• McCreedy : [McCreedy and Dennis, two security workers are talking]  Come on, it's time for our rounds.

  Mike Nelson : Oh, so they're doctors! Mmm, uh-huh, yeah okay.

• Mike Nelson : [film cuts to a very wide shot]  Ha, the cameraman just can't get up the energy to get over there.

• Road Rash : My bike's right outside

  Mike Nelson : Yeah, it's a ten speed

• Mike Nelson : [Nick and Kevin fight in the garden, with rakes]  Wow the suspense is killing me. Will they water their lawn?

• Mike Nelson : Oh, big man, you strangled a plush toy!

• Mike Nelson : The Army was looking for sharp people, and Nick qualified.

• Daphne : [During the long, infamous rake-fight]  Go, Nick, kick his butt!

  Mike Nelson : Yeah, give him a big, rusty gash in his head, c'mon!

  Crow : Can we have a law that in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers?

  Tom Servo : [about Daphne]  Is that a condom she has hanging from her blouse?

  Daphne : I'm getting so sweaty already!

  Mike Nelson : So we sent our armies to the Gulf War with garden shovels and grass rollers?

  Crow : Their garden tools make little Casio sounds!

  Daphne : Yeah, go for it!

  Tom Servo : Yeah, really, really kill him! Please!

  Mike Nelson : You know, I'd switch to the weed whacker at this point.

  Crow : Throw some Miracle-Gro in his eyes!

  Tom Servo : [Impersonating Nick]  I'm gonna compost you, man...

  Mike Nelson : [yawns]  All the tension. Will they water their lawn?

  Tom Servo : ...wow...

  Crow : ...ever?... I'll bet Nick can also field strip his rake blindfolded.

  Tom Servo : This movie's making me nostalgic for the film 'Gymkata.'

  Mike Nelson : Oh, it just happened, did you see that? The hose out-acted them.

  Crow : Yeah... Yeah I saw! Did you know that Nick went on to play... Pong in his underwear while drinking beer?

  Tom Servo : Hey, hooray! You ruptured his spleen, yay!

  Mike Nelson : Now, I'm gonna remove your thatch.

  Tom Servo : [Impersonating Kyle]  Don't let them hurt my red shorts, please.

  Tom Servo : Wow, yeah.

  Mike Nelson : I could watch this forever.

  Tom Servo : Yeah.

  Mike Nelson : Do you have a feeling I probably will be?

• Mike Nelson : [Daphne is waiting outside for Nick]  Anybody out here will do, really...

• Mike Nelson : [about Kyle's clothes]  Pee-wee Herman, casual wear.

• Tom Servo : Well, I'm sorry Mike.

  Mike Nelson : Well there, you just did it again.

  Tom Servo : What! Oh, gah, gee!

  Mike Nelson : Hi everyone and welcome to the Satellite Of Love, Servo and I were just talking...

  Tom Servo : - look, I didn't mean to turn you on, and I'm really sorry!

  Mike Nelson : Uh, well, you know, ever since Robert Palmer introduced the concept of accidental turn-ons, in his song 'I didn't mean to turn you on' well, there's been a lot of involuntery on-turning around here.

  Crow : Hey there guys, whats up?

  Tom Servo : Gah, Crow!

  Crow : Ohh, I'm sorry, did I turn you on again?

  Tom Servo : Yes, you know you did!

  Crow : Oh, I am sorry, I tried not to turn you on, but I guess I unintentionally did.

  Mike Nelson : You know, lets all try to be a little more careful about turning each other on, okay. And you folks at home, be a little more careful, don't involunterily turn anyone on, okay, we'll be right back.

  Tom Servo : Ah, Oh Mike!

  Crow : Mike, Geez, Gah!

  Mike Nelson : Did I turn you on? I didn't mean to, look at me, how did I turn you on, I'm just standing here, how did I turn you on?

• Crow : [sighs]  Now, now, there, there, you did so mean to turn me on that time!

  Tom Servo : [sighs]  Okay, I admit it, I turned you on on purpose, o-kaay, cause I was upset and I turned you on, so biiiig deal!

  Mike Nelson : Well now you just turned me on, can't you do anything without turning people on? It's just... I can't

  Tom Servo : Oh that's nice, coming from you, after you turned me...

  Pearl Forrester : Yooou couldn't turn me on if you had a dozen naked Gerato's and Fabio in tight leather pants.

  [Goes all breathless and looks turned on] 

  Pearl Forrester : Ah ah, aaah, um... where-where was I? Oh, right, I'm remodeling the Great Hall, I'm putting in a conversation pit and the couch I had picked out for it came in early, so I need you guys to store it for me. Brain Guy!

  Brain Guy : Yes Madam.

  [Teleports couch to Mike and the 'bots] 

  Pearl Forrester : And no jumping on the couch!

  [Cuts to Mike and the bots jumping on the couch] 

  Crow : Weeeeeeee! Weeeeeee, watch you guys I'm gonna do something cool. You can see my legs, you can see my legs!

  Tom Servo : Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Thanks Grandma Pearl!

  [Laughs] 

  Mike Nelson : Weeeeeeeeeeeee! Woo Hoo! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

  [Laughs] 

  Pearl Forrester : Grandma Pearl does not want you jumping on that couch! Get off, right now! Don't, don't squeeze those juice boxes on that couch!

  [Cuts to the guys jumping, laughing and squeezing juice all over the couch] 

  Pearl Forrester : Oh, we can't have nice things! That's it, that is it! I am going to give you such a movie!

  Crow : Crow, Servo and Mike, together: We don't care!

  Pearl Forrester : Bobo. Brain Guy. Get the movie.

  Brain Guy : Huh, no!

  [Bobo shrieks] 

  Brain Guy : [the guys stop laughing and look scared] 

  Pearl Forrester : [Putting gloves on]  We have ways of dealing with ne'er-do-wells, who insist on jumping on our rent-to-own couches. Your movie...

  [Bobo runs up the the camera and shrieks again] 

  Pearl Forrester : ... is called...

  [Removes a film reel from a chest] 

  Pearl Forrester : ... Hobgoblins!

  [Bobo shrieks again] 

  Mike Nelson : Pearl, please, whatever you're thinking, please don't!

  [the guys start shouting apologies, and then the movie sign alerts] 

• Tom Servo : [Trying to figure out what the band is singing]  Pig licker I think, so perhaps a man who licks pigs or liquor made from pigs.

  Mike Nelson : I would not want pig liquor.

• Mike Nelson : If this is your god, you have a severe ontological problem.

• Crow : So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.

  Mike Nelson : Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

• [after finishing the abysmal "Hobgoblins"] 

  Crow : So, Mike, I learned from today's movie that Daphne was a slut, and Amy wasn't fun until she became a slut.

  Mike Nelson : Well, that's the fun message of today's movie!

• Kevin : [asks his friends passed out on the couch]  Where's Kyle?

  Mike Nelson : What? Did they split a keg of Robitussin? Come on, get up.

• [the guys are watching the film and the security guard is getting attacked by a gangster] 

  Mike Nelson : I don't like the old-guy-getting-killed channel!

• Kevin : Idiot!

  Mike Nelson : This from an *assistant* security guard.

• [Instrumental new wave music plays in an 80s movie] 

  Mike Nelson : [singing]  It's the 80s! Do a lotta coke and vote for Ronald Reagan!