Futurama (TV Series)
Roswell That Ends Well (2001)
Billy West: Philip J. Fry, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth, Dr. Zoidberg, Enos Fry, Sears-Roebuck Salesman
Photos
Quotes
-
Fry : But won't that change history?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [ultra sarcastic] Ohh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandfather"! Let's just steal the damn dish and get out of here! Screw history!
-
Dr. Zoidberg : [as a scientist is sawing at something during an autopsy] Don't cut that! I need that to speak!
[the scientist looks at his colleague, starts sawing faster]
-
President Truman : [Roswell, circa 1947] If you come in peace, surrender or be destroyed. If you're here to make war, we surrender.
Dr. Zoidberg : Both good. The important thing is, I'm meeting new people.
President Truman : Bushwah! Now what's your mission? Are you planning on making some kind of alien-human hybrid?
Dr. Zoidberg : Are you coming on to me?
President Truman : Hot crackers! I take exception to that.
Dr. Zoidberg : [coyly] I'm not hearing a no...
-
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out that you were supposed to do it; in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!
Fry : Got it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you would cease to exist.
Fry : [gasp] But existing is basically all I do!
-
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Above all else it is our sacred duty to preserve the past just as it is.
[Fry walks in]
Fry : Well, I've killed my grandfather.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Whaaaaaaaa?
Leela : Wait, if you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?
Fry : I don't know. Maybe God loves me.
[Bender laughs maniacally]
-
Scientist : [an autopsy on Zoidberg is taking place] Heart.
Dr. Zoidberg : Take, I've got four of them!
Scientist : Stomach contents: One deviled egg.
Dr. Zoidberg : Deviled egg?
[eats it from the tray]
Scientist : [pause] The same deviled egg.
-
Mildred : What'll you folks have today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : I'll have some Soylent Green, with a slice of Soylent Orange and some Soylent coleslaw.
Mildred : Huh?
Leela : [whispering] It's the 20th century, Professor.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh, right. I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills, and a stein of mead.
Leela : I'll just have a small injection of Fem-a-slim.
Mildred : Uh, two chili dogs comin' right up.
-
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [Farnsworth, Leela and Bender react in disgust after Fry slept with Mildred] What the hell have you done, Fry?
Fry : Relax, she can't be my grandmother. I figured it all out.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Of course, she's your grandmother, you perverted dope! Look!
Mildred : [Mildred aged drastically and is knitting] Come back to bed, dearie.
Fry : [screams] It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, then who's my grandfather?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Isn't is obvious?
[Fry shakes his head]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : *YOU* are!
Fry : Aaaah! Aaaaaah! AAAAAAAAAAH!
Mildred : Did you say something, dearie? I'm a bit hard of hearing.
Fry : AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
-
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Remarkable! According to this high-precision digital chronograph, it's July 9th, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into this pin-up calendar.
-
Fry : We're in the middle of nowhere, which is the safest part of nowhere.
-
Fry : What smells like blue?
-
Leela : Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're stuck in this time period.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.
-
Leela : Why is traffic so light around Earth?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : And what is this layer of ozone? That's never been there before.
-
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Well, now everything is back as it was, and if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge?
Bender : Amen.
-
Leela : Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him.
[to salesman]
Leela : Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven.
Sears-Roebuck Salesman : Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart. What you want is the Deluxe Gas Princess. This beauty has four broilers; a casserole indicator; a fold-out ironing board; and, down here, a foot-soaking tub; since, as a woman, you'll be standing in front of it all day.
[Leela slams oven door on salesman's knee]
Leela : Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll aks you again. Where is the mi-cro-wave?
Sears-Roebuck Salesman : Sir, your wife is histerical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lighting fast. It only takes five hours to cook a pot roast.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Ooh, that's good news. You know, you don't cook enough roasts, Leela.
[Leela turns on stove, setting the Professor's tie on fire]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : [to salesman] Women!
-
Dr. Zoidberg : The President is gagging on my gas bladder. What an honor.
-
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : You really don't cook enough roasts, Leela.
-
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Yes, sir, we tore the universe a new space hole. But it's clenching shut fast.
-
Mildred : [on phone] Killed by an atomic blast? No, sir. I don't take any solace in the fact that the implosion trigger functioned perfectly.
[cries]
Fry : Aw, there, there. If it's any consolation, his body was vaporized, so there's no chance of him coming back as a zombie.
Mildred : I'm not worried about that.
Fry : Then you're a braver woman than I.
-
Professor Hubert Farnsworth : Choke on that, causality!
Bender : 1947 can bite my shiny, metal...
[Head falls off ship]
Bender : Aaaaaaaahhhh!
-
Dr. Zoidberg : There... Good as new.
Leela : Don't you need this one?
Dr. Zoidberg : Oh, no! That's my...
[He coughs, grasps his throat and falls]
Dr. Zoidberg : [Rising up again] Gotcha!
[Leela glares at Zoidberg and throws Organ away]
-
General : What's your purpose here?
Dr. Zoidberg : Alright, officer. I'll move it along.
General's Assistant : What the general means is why'd you come to Earth?
Dr. Zoidberg : Not a day goes by I don't ask myself the same question.