- James Hacker: It is to be to a hostile audience of posturing, self-righteous, theatrical drunks.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: The House of Commons you mean?
- The Arts Minister: These theaters and art galleries and museums and opera houses they are all listed buildings. We have to maintain them anyway. And they are totally useless. So we put in central heating and a caretaker to make it look as if we're preserving the Arts.
- James Hacker: Let's sell them.
- The Arts Minister: We can't. They're ancient monuments.
- James Hacker: Like the Cabinet.
- James Hacker: Humphrey, I need help.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: You do. You do?
- James Hacker: I've got to make a speech. It could be very embarrassing.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Oh, Prime Minister. Your speeches are nothing like as embarrassing as they used to be.
- James Hacker: I didn't say the speech would be embarrassing, I said the occassion could.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: Ah, yes, yes, indeed. Why?
- James Hacker: It's to be to a hostile audience of posturing, self-righteous, theatrical drunks.
- Sir Humphrey Appleby: The House of Commons, you mean?
- Actress: What was the last play you went to?
- James Hacker: Last play? I think it'd be Hamlet.
- Actress: Whose?
- James Hacker: Shakespeare's.
- James Hacker: Nobody would be able to call me a philistine then.
- Dorothy Wainwright: Not unless they knew you.