Tales from the Crypt (TV Series)

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime (1994)

Peter MacNicol: Austin Haggard

Quotes 

• Austin Haggard : [to Geri]  In my day I got off more big time dirtbags with a slap on the wrist than a lowlife ambulance chaser like you could count. We didn't use any cheeseball victim defense either, we just bought the jury.

  Geraldine Ferrett : But, but I get to go home and do public service, right?

  Austin Haggard : You *are* home, counselor, and I'd rather be dead than you.

• Austin Haggard : I think we both should consider...

  Geraldine Ferrett : Yeah, well thank you, counselor, but I will be pleading guilty to this little ripoff and getting the hell out of this town.

  Austin Haggard : No no no, I don't, no, I don't think you want to do that. This is a very strict town.

• Austin Haggard : Hi, I talked to the judge. Well we hit him on a good day. He's agreed to decrease the sentence to misdemeanor public nuisance.

  Geraldine Ferrett : Decrease it? Okay, fine fine, what's it gonna cost me?

  Austin Haggard : Ten.

  Geraldine Ferrett : All this bullshit for ten bucks? Here keep the change.

  Austin Haggard : Not ten dollars, Miss Ferrett, ten lashes. They can flail you now and you can be on your way, as soon as you regain consciousness of course.

• Judge #2 : You're charged with the illegal solicitation of services in this court, how plead you?

  Austin Haggard : We plead not guilty, by reason of temporary insanity. Your client, My Honor is...

  [takes cards out and reads them] 

  Austin Haggard : Your Honor, my client is the actual victim here. As a child she was psychologically abused by her entire family. She repressed these horrors until recently, and this inner turmoil made her act irrationally on the occasion in question.

  Judge #2 : [laughs]  What a load of... guilty as charged. You ready for sentencing?

  Geraldine Ferrett : Is that your strategy? Are you crazy?

  Austin Haggard : I believe you used the same defense yourself on a number of occasions, I guess I just did not do it right, I am sorry.

  [power flickers as a man is heard screaming while electrocuted] 

• Geraldine Ferrett : [runs out of the courtroom, sees the electric chair]  What the hell? I thought this was the way out!

  Austin Haggard : It *is*.

  Geraldine Ferrett : No!

  [turns to run, is confronted by the ghouls] 

  Ghoul #1 : Welcome back, dear, I had a feeling we might bump into you again.

  Ghoul #2 : And this time, you're gonna get what you deserve.

  Geraldine Ferrett : No! I'm not supposed to get the chair!

  Ghoul #2 : Have a seat!