- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: The human body is one big cesspool. Food goes in, shit flows out, and blood flows all around.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: What you want, Clyde?
- Clyde: Bye, Mr. Thornberry.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Where the hell you think you're going? You got work to do.
- Clyde: I ain't doing nothing. I'm quitting. Look, I know that nice young man didn't die in no *accident*, I know it. I can't prove it, but I *know* what I know.
- Crypt Keeper: There you are sportsfiends. You know dead people like me make excellent point guards. When we can't get off a shot, we simply pass... away that is. Speaking of which, allow me to be your fearleader for tonight's half-time show. It's a putrid playlet about my personal favorite sport... being a mortician. I fittingly call it Fitting Punishment.
- Crypt Keeper: Well, looks like old Ezra learned that raising a teen is no walk in the graveyard. Now he's gonna need one of his cheap coffins for himself. That's what he gets for having a name like Ezra. As for Bobby, he got a pretty nasty case of athlete's foot, didn't he? I mean I heard of footloose, but yikes! I guess the next best thing to making a goal is becoming a ghoul. Right, kiddies?
- Bobby Thornberry: I'm Bobby. Your nephew. Your sister Ruby's kid.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Who? My sister Ruby? Well you can tell that no good sister
- Bobby Thornberry: She's dead, Uncle Ezra.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Oh really, how?
- Bobby Thornberry: Well, she got in a head on collision on I95, killed my daddy too.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Head on, huh? Messy I bet, that's good for business. Charge a pretty penny to make their loved ones look presentable.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Let me tell you about the mortuary business, boy. Like it says in the Bible, God helps the mourners for they are blessed.
- [pries open the corpse's mouth and yanks out a gold tooth]
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: And God also helps those that help themselves.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: [Bobby dribbles a basketball] You keep messing with that ball, I'll bounce *your* balls right out of here.
- Bobby Thornberry: Sorry, Uncle Ezra.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: [points to a gurney] You can sleep here.
- Bobby Thornberry: Here?
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: That's right, boy.
- Bobby Thornberry: [pause] Thanks, Uncle Ezra.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Put some bedding on it, it'll be fine. You know, the righteous need the divine light to see the truth.
- [turns out the light]
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Besides, electricity costs money. Leave the lights alone, boy.
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: This tub of lard will start to stink in a couple of days, that's why we've got to embalm him. Pass me that tube over there. Cleanliness is next to godliness, don't you know? Hold this.
- [hooks the tube up to the faucet]
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Get in there.
- Bobby Thornberry: Aren't you supposed to use chemicals or something?
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: He's dead, you damn fool, he doesn't know the difference. Besides, those chemicals cost money. Just like it says in the Bible, a penny saved is a penny earned.
- Bobby Thornberry: Didn't Ben Franklin say that?
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: [hits him] Don't you contradict me, boy!
- Bobby Thornberry: What's all this Chinese writing on the box?
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Made in Taiwan, you dummy. Half the price of US made. They're 6 inches shorter you know. The Taiwanese are smaller people, and I can use the coffins for most folks, no one knows the difference. And I charge full price.
- Doctor: Your nephew has suffered a severe spinal injury, Mr. Thornberry. He'll never walk again. How on earth did that happen?
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: His own carelessness I'm afraid. He fell down the stairs, if I've told him once, I've told him a thousand times no running inside. He's a spirited boy, you know, an athlete.
- Doctor: [grimly] Not anymore.
- Bobby Thornberry: How could you sell my shoes!
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Don't you raise your voice at me, boy! Look at you, you're nothing but a helpless cripple! What're you going to do with shoes? All you're doing is costing me money, you're nothing but a damned burden!
- Bobby Thornberry: Well you should've thought of that before hitting me with the crowbar! I ought to call the sheriff.
- Doctor: Strange how he should happen to fall down the stairs again, isn't it, Mr. Thornberry?
- Uncle Ezra Thornberry: Perhaps for the best. The boy was full of vigor, he would've made a miserable cripple.
- Doctor: Such a *short* coffin for a boy so tall.