- George H.W. Bush: [during the 1992 Presidential debates] Now, can I say something here? Now two years ago, I went on a fishing trip in Arkansas with Baker, Fitzwater, Quayle, myself. It was fun, but we were, eh, chased and assaulted by a couple of inbred mountain people. Now I was sworn to secrecy as to those events, but sufficed to say, they felt that Dan Quayle, and I quote, "sure had a purty mouth."
- Bill Clinton: I tried to burn an American flag once. I didn't like it. It gave off toxic fumes, so I didn't inhale.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Well, the US post office last week announced a series of postage stamps honoring popular musicians. A planned Ozzy Osbourne stamp was cancelled when studies determined that noone was willing to lick it.
- Weekend Update Anchor: A New Jersey woman was awarded a record 500,000 dollars in a landmark sexual harassment suit this week. Lucky bitch.