- Church Lady: I'm sorry, maybe I'm just old fashioned, maybe I don't watch MTV, but what exactly are 'pornographic acts'?
- Jimmy Swaggart: They are grievous chasms of torturous hellfire sin!
- Church Lady: I see, and exactly who's chasm were we sinning in, hm?
- Weekend Update Anchor: Brooke Shields is being held for questioning for the serial eyebrow snatching.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Swedish skier Thomas Wassberg was disqualified by Olympic judges this week because his pants were quote "just too faggy for words."
- Pirate with Swan on his shoulder: Did you hear about Blackbeard's mockingbird?
- Pirate with Penguin on his shoulder: No, what?
- Pirate with Swan on his shoulder: He killed it.
- Pirate with Penguin on his shoulder: Boy, you could've predicted that.
- Pirate with Swan on his shoulder: Yeah.