Quotes
-
Jimmy James : [Presenting Joe the box of "movie memorabilia" he bought] Check this out.
Joe Garrelli : A Clark bar?
Jimmy James : No, *the* Clark bar, from Looking for Mr. Clarkbar.
Joe Garrelli : Sir, have you ever even been to a movie?
Jimmy James : What about this?
[Pulls out a stuffed beaver]
Jimmy James : Basic Instinct.
Joe Garrelli : That's not the right one.
-
Joe Garrelli : Wait a minute, sir. Haven't you heard the phrase, "The man who represents himself has a fool for a client"?
Jimmy James : All right, then who do you suggest?
Joe Garrelli : Me.
Jimmy James : All right!
-
Joe Garrelli : Mr. James's case is in the bag, because I know something the other side doesn't.
Dave Nelson : What's that?
Joe Garrelli : That all federal judges are members of an obscure sect of the Freemasons.
Jimmy James : Wait a minute. You're telling me that our entire case is based on all judges being Masons?
Joe Garrelli : There' more to it than that. There is a secret word that, when uttered, forces the judge to rule in your favor, then go to a secret location to paddle themselves in a secret ceremony.
Dave Nelson : What is it?
Joe Garrelli : I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Dave Nelson : All right, but it better be good.
-
Judge : Mr. James, all you have proven to this court is that you have a box full of junk. Never since The People vs. Junkyard Jones has a box of junk been so thoroughly documented. If I were this young man, I'd countersue you for defamation of character, and generally wasting everyone's time. What do you have to say in your defense?
[Joe whispers in Mr. James's ear]
Jimmy James : Tubal Cain.
Judge : The court rules in favor of Mr. James and sentences the defendant to a month in a juvenile ward for psychiatric evaluation. Case dismissed.
