- Matthew Brock: Why did we go to Hawaii together?
- Lisa Miller: That was a dream.
- Matthew Brock: Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.
- Lisa Miller: All right then. How was it?
- Matthew Brock: Not that good, actually.
- Lisa Miller: I'm sorry.
- Dave Nelson: Oh God, I have created a monster.
- Catherine Duke: No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.
- Dave Nelson: Hear me well, for as of today, a new Dave is born, a Dave that is, for lack of a better word... pure evil.
- Lisa Miller: What if I'm not perfect?
- Beth: No one expects you to be perfect.
- Lisa Miller: You are so naive.
- Dave Nelson: I know what you're going to say...
- Catherine Duke: What? I was just going to say how could you ever leave a woman who makes such exquisite cakes?
- [gives Dave a bite of cake]
- Dave Nelson: Say, that is good. Is that lemon zest?
- Joe Garrelli: You know it.
- Bill McNeal: [imitating President Bill Clinton] Well, I was sitting in the Oval Office, completely nude, of course...
- Lisa Miller: You slept in my apartment?
- Matthew Brock: Well, you were sleeping here, so I just assumed that's what you wanted. Besides, I had a date.
- Lisa Miller: You brought a date to my apartment?
- Matthew Brock: Yes, and by the way, thank you. Enough said.
- Dave Nelson: Okay, I'm not fine. I'm not fine.
- Catherine Duke: Ya sure? Because you seem fine.
- Dave Nelson: Well, you know, the old Dave-the old Dave would be fine. The well-meaning, even-tempered, easy-going Dave he'd-he'd be fine with his. But I'm not fine. And you know what? That Dave, that Dave, unfortunately, today is dead.
- Catherine Duke: [laughs] No, he's not.
- Dave Nelson: Oh, yes he is. Hear me well, as of today, a new Dave is born. A Dave who, for lack of a better phrase, is... pure evil.
- Catherine Duke: Pure evil?
- Dave Nelson: Pure. Evil.
- Joe Garrelli: [enters] Hey, Dave, can I borrow five bucks?
- Dave Nelson: Sure, Joe, my wallet's in my desk.
- [Joe leaves]
- Dave Nelson: Where was I?
- Catherine Duke: Um, pure evil.
- Dave Nelson: Pure. Evil. And by embodying pure evil, as I now do, in one short week, I will have my old job rightfully rebestowed upon me.
- Catherine Duke: You're gonna get Lisa fired?
- Dave Nelson: Oh, lord no. No. I mean, that wouldn't be fair. It's not her fault. I mean, I shouldn't make her the target of my, uh, y'know, my, my...
- Catherine Duke: Pure evilness?
- Dave Nelson: Yeah. I'm still-still getting the hang of it.
- Catherine Duke: Yeah, well, don't you worry about it, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.
- Dave Nelson: [smiles] Thanks.
- Catherine Duke: Look, Dave, why don't you get up and get me a soda? Thank you.
- Dave Nelson: [goes for it and then stops] No.
- [acts defiant]
- Catherine Duke: Ooo, Dave! That's a good start! Okay, go with it, go with it. C'mon more, more!
- Dave Nelson: Get your own damn soda.
- Catherine Duke: Yes, yes, yes! Alright, come on, come on.
- Dave Nelson: [tries for a moment] That's really all I've got right now.