Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

The Touch of Satan (1998)

Kevin Murphy: Tom Servo, Professor Bobo

Quotes 

• Tom Servo : Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand.

• Jodie Thompson : I'll bet you have nine boyfriends.

  Melissa Strickland : No.

  Jodie Thompson : Six.

  Melissa Strickland : No.

  Tom Servo : Three!

  Melissa Strickland : None.

  Tom Servo : Two! Let me change my answer!

  Jodie Thompson : You're putting me on.

  Melissa Strickland : It's just... we live on a walnut ranch.

  Tom Servo : We don't raise boyfriends.

• Tom Servo : I sure do love the yelling channel.

• Tom Servo : Hm, signed copy of the Necromonican there.

  Mike Nelson : "You guys scare me, ha ha ha. Signed, Satan."

• Melissa : [singing]  Amazing Grace...

  Mike Nelson : [singing]  ... and Chuuuuuck.

  Melissa : [singing]  That saved a wretch...

  Tom Servo : [singing]  ... like me, public domain music we didn't have to pay, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

• [a man is stabbed in the neck with a pitchfork] 

  Tom Servo : When sore throat pain strikes!

  Mike Nelson : The "American Gothic" people take revenge.

• Mike Nelson : [touching music starts up]  Hallmark Hall of Fame presents A Touch of Satan.

  Tom Servo : [singing along to the cute music]  Come sit with me and Satan too. He's your friend and mine.

• Melissa Strickland : Would you stay here?

  Tom Servo : By this rock? And don't move?

  Jodie Thompson : What?

  Tom Servo : Stay here!

  Mike Nelson : Huh?

  Tom Servo : STAY HERE!

• Tom Servo : [as the shack burns to the ground]  You know, if the septic tank goes up, we're *all* in trouble...

• Tom Servo : [the choppy editing un-nerves the three]  Maybe the editor got called out of the room a lot?

• [as a police car arrives at the house] 

  Tom Servo : He's got two huge Sudafeds on top of his car.

• Melissa : I'm possessed by the Devil!

  Tom Servo : Michael Eisner?

• Steffi : Almost finished storytime, then everyone goes to sleep.

  Bobo : Uh, can I come out now?

  Steffi : Shush! Bad dog! Go to sleep.

  Bobo : Okay.

  Steffi : Now where was I, Brian?

  Observer : Oh, the tall fellow was repeatedly refusing to ingest green eggs and ham, the short fellow was bizarrely insistent upon it.

  Steffi : Yes, very good. "I will not eat them in a plane. I will not eat them on a train..."

  Observer : Train, right. Why doesn't he just leave him alone? He has pointedly made his refusal to eat this dish clear. The hypothetical changing of a location is irrelevant and tedious. And that Sam I Am is so bloody repetitive I could scream!

• Steffi : Are we a little cranky, Brian?

  Observer : No, madam, I am over-tired. So I shall turn in now. So if you wouldn't mind, please... My blankie... My nookie... And my friend. Ah, thank you kindly. Good morrow to you.

  Steffi : Nighty-night.

  Bobo : Now me, I'd definitely eat them on a train...

  Steffi : Quiet! No bark!

  Bobo : ...There's no doubt they'd be perfectly delicious on a train. But a plane, I'd have to think about a plane. Maybe substitute bacon for ham sounds kinda nice. And maybe have a big...

  [Steffi rolls up a magazine] 

  Bobo : Oh... Oh boy.

  Steffi : [swatting Bobo]  No bark!

  Bobo : Ow! I'm not barking, I was just talking. Ow! I was commenting on the story. There was no barking involved at all!

  Steffi : No! No bark!

  Bobo : Ow! Ow! No, I'm not sure you see my point. Here, it's like this. Rather than barking, as you assumed, I was actually... Ow! C'mon! I'm talking, not...

  Steffi : No!

  Bobo : Ow! Ow!

  Steffi : No bark!

  Bobo : Ow! I'm not barking, I'm... Ow!

  Steffi : Bad dog!

  Bobo : I'm articulating... Ow! Geez! Ow!

  Steffi : Bad dog!

• Bobo : You bet there's something wrong! The Lawgiver went on vacation and left us with... a babysitter. Look!

  Steffi : Why won't you play with the blocks?

  Observer : I don't want to play with blocks. It's insulting! I have an infinite intellect.

  Steffi : I think you're a little crabby and you might need a time-out to think about it.

  Observer : No, I can't stand time-outs. The silence! The desolation!

  Steffi : Okay, are you going to play nice with the blocks?

  Observer : Allright, Steffi. You win... this time.

  Bobo : You see, it's horrible! And she calls me Fluffykins and treats me like an animal.

  Steffi : Hey, did you chew this?

  Bobo : Um... yes.

  Steffi : No! No chew! No. God, man... There's hair everywhere!

  Bobo : Please don't treat me like this. I'm a distinguished professor of anthropology from a future where apes evolved from men.

  Steffi : No chew! Go lie down!

  Bobo : Oh, Ok.