My Family (TV Series)

'Tis Pity She's a Whore (2001)

Gabriel Thomson: Michael Harper

Quotes 

• Michael Harper : Nick, the whole point of debating is to answer questions directly and honestly, not to tarnish your opponent's reputation.

  Nick Harper : I thought you wanted to win.

  Michael Harper : I want to win fair and square.

  Janey Harper : I thought you were a Tory.

• Janey Harper : [about Susan's mother]  Er, and what about you? You hardly ever see her!

  Susan Harper : I don't need to. Her image is embossed on my brain.

  Janey Harper : Well, why does it have to be me? Hmm?

  Michael Harper : Don't look at me! I went to see her last time she was dying!

  Nick Harper : I'll go next time.

  Janey Harper : And what happens if she already is dying?

  Nick Harper : Then I win!

• Ben Harper : So, Michael. You ready for school? Why don't I drop you off?

  Michael Harper : Not if you're dressed like that.

  Ben Harper : What do you mean, dressed like that?

  Michael Harper : Well, no offence, dad, but I'm standing in my school elections and I can't afford any embarrassments. How about you put on a tie?

  Ben Harper : How about I just drive past the school and throw you out?

• Susan Harper : How did your speech go today?

  Michael Harper : It's only a matter of time before I claim victory. The first step to reclaiming the future of Britain from an incompetent Labour government.

  Ben Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Ben!

  Ben Harper : I'm sorry, Susan, but everyone knows the future of Britain depends on the working man which, as the name implies, means 'Labour'.

  Michael Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Michael!

  Michael Harper : I'm sorry, mum. Dad seems to be living in some fantasy land built on a foundation of propaganda.

  Nick Harper : Hah!

  Susan Harper : Nick!

  Nick Harper : Nothing! Just felt like saying 'Hah!'

• Janey Harper : [about her grandmother]  You know, we talked about loads of things! We talked about school; the weather; great-grandma.

  Susan Harper : Oh, yes, well, your great-grandmother was quite a socialite!

  Janey Harper : No, she wasn't. She was a hooker.

  Ben Harper : [Looking shocked] 

  Nick Harper : Pass the ketchup.

  Ben Harper : She... she... she... she was... what, what? Wha... Sorry, who told you this?

  Janey Harper : Grandma.

  Susan Harper : You know, Janey, mother probably meant 'cooker'. Your great-grandmother was a superb chef - like me.

  Michael Harper : It's not true, is it?

  Susan Harper : Your great-grandmother happened to be a social hostess.

  Ben Harper : [Looking flustered] 

  Susan Harper : Something wrong with your food?

  Ben Harper : Yes, but that's beside the point. When you say 'social hostess', what you really need to say is...

  Susan Harper : I believe you understand me correctly.

• Michael Harper : Hey.

  Susan Harper : How was your debate?

  Michael Harper : Miserable. The first question they asked me was 'Is it true you have a prostitute in the family?'

  Susan Harper : It's such a shame that politics has degenerated into a contest of personal attacks.

  Nick Harper : Isn't it just? I hope you did the right thing and questioned your opponent's sexuality.

  Michael Harper : Well, I took the moral high ground and said this prostitute rumour was promulgated by communist lefties out to torpedo my campaign. Then I challenged the person who started it to stand up and show themselves.

  Susan Harper : Well done!

  Michael Harper : And then Janey stood up.

  Susan Harper : What did you say?

  Michael Harper : Well, what could I say? I gave an honest, heartfelt answer.

  Susan Harper : Oh, Michael. I'm very proud of you.

  Michael Harper : I said I was adopted.

• Ben Harper : Still a Tory then, are you?

  Michael Harper : Yes.

  Ben Harper : Well, I'm sorry, Michael. You can no longer be my favourite son. You...

  [Nick smiles at Ben] 

  Ben Harper : Oh, God! It's come to this, has it?

• Janey Harper : [after discovering her great-grandma was a prostitute]  I can't wait to tell Maxine!

  Michael Harper : You can't! If this gets out, it could ruin my political career!

  Susan Harper : Oh, don't be ridiculous! It was 80 years ago!

  Michael Harper : Still not something we want spread around!

  Janey Harper : Oh, please, Michael! It was the only cool thing about this entire family!

  Ben Harper : Sorry, are you forgetting the Harper side of the family?

  Janey Harper : Oh, right, yeah - the dull side.

  Ben Harper : No, don't... don't confuse 'dull' with 'average'.

  Janey Harper : Average, boring, whatever.

  Ben Harper : Look, if being average is the worst thing people can say about you, you're doing OK.

  Susan Harper : Spoken like a true Harper!

  Ben Harper : Well, at least with the Harpers, what you see is what you get!

  Nick Harper : Ooh! Tough luck, mum!

• Nick Harper : Oh, don't you look precious!

  Michael Harper : Get off! I'm practising for my debate!

  Janey Harper : Right! So, Mr Harper, what's your position on drugs?

  Michael Harper : [Clears throat]  If elected, I'll devote every resource possible to help educate our students of the dangers of drug use.

  Janey Harper : Very good answer, Michael!

  Nick Harper : Yes - if you want to get slaughtered! Remember, dude, it's all about spin!

  Janey Harper : Er, I think we all know your position on drugs!

  Nick Harper : No, come on! Come on! Go with me on this!

  Janey Harper : OK. So, Mr Harper, what's your position on drugs?

  Nick Harper : Let me just say that I will not comment on the vicious rumours about my opponent's frequent use of recreational drugs!

  Michael Harper : But there are no vicious rumours.

  Nick Harper : There are now!

• Michael Harper : So, dad, how was your day?

  Ben Harper : Dull. Forgettable. Like the rest of the Harper family.

  Michael Harper : Don't sell the Harpers short, dad! This country needs solid, decent, hard-working citizens such as yourself!

  Ben Harper : Yeeeeeah...

  Michael Harper : From one of my debate note cards regarding 'the little man'.

  Ben Harper : Well, on behalf of all the 'little men' everywhere, thank you.

  Michael Harper : You're a significant cog in the well-oiled machine I call England!

  Ben Harper : Shut up!

• Ben Harper : No, I've got to do something! Say something! Make a statement! Something that says the Harpers were here! Something my grandchildren's grandchildren will talk about!

  Nick Harper : Like the time you got that hazelnut stuck up your nose!

  Ben Harper : No, something else.

  Michael Harper : Maybe I can pull a few strings and get you a bench in the park.

  Janey Harper : Why would dad want a bench for?

  Nick Harper : It was a very big hazelnut!

  Michael Harper : Because people who get a bench get a plaque with their name on it - and a small slice of immortality.

  Ben Harper : Yeah! That's not bad! Hey, how come all of a sudden you're so connected?

  Michael Harper : Please, I'm in politics! One well-placed phone call and I could have you killed!