Married... with Children (TV Series)

Lookin' for a Desk in All the Wrong Places (1991)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : Well, according to my research, the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately $780,000. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short $780,000. Thank you.

• Al : You know what I would do if I was President? I'd take a big empty state, that nobody's using, y'know, like Idaho, and I'd pack every pregnant woman in the country into donut trucks, and convoy 'em all to Boise. And since Idaho means nothing anyhow, I'd change the name to Preg-naho.

• Al : My God, she has you running like a Frenchman through a thunderstorm!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Come on, Al. You think I'm afraid of Marcy? I'm the man in this marriage and I can do anything I want. Just last month, I stopped payment on the storage locker that Marcy has a lease on downtown, took the money and went to the horse race track to gamble it all away. Now, does that sound like a man who's afraid of his wife?

  Al : What do you think Marcy is gonna do when she finds out? The storage locker company terminates your lease and sells all your items when they don't get paid.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : I'm a con man, a thief and a gigilo. Marcy will never find out. She never goes down there.

  Marcy D'Arcy : [walks up to the guys]  Jefferson, can I borrow the keys to the storage unit?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [whispering to Al]  Watch me con my way out of this one.

  [to Marcy, feining ignorance] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Uh... what storage unit?

  Marcy D'Arcy : Storage unit Number 319 where I keep my precious and irreplacable baby furniture. Can I have the keys? I want to show Peggy some of it.

  Al : [smirks; whispering to Jefferson]  Good night, sweet prince.

  [Al backs away as Jefferson is clearly getting nervous] 

  Marcy D'Arcy : Jefferson? The keys.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [stammering]  Uh... Marcy, did I ever tell you that I love you? You are the most precious thing in my life.

  Marcy D'Arcy : [suspicious]  What did you do to my precious and irreplaceable baby furniture that mean more to me than ten of you?

• [as Jefferson is sheepshily explaining to Marcy about terminating the lease she has on a storage locker to squander the rent money, Al and Peggy are exited watching what's going on from their living room couch] 

  Al : [giddy]  Oh, boy! I think she's gonna beat him up again!

  Peggy : [more giddy]  And you didn't want them to come over!

  Al : I was wrong!

  Marcy D'Arcy : [shouting to Jefferson]  WHAT? You let them auction off all my baby furniture? My memories? My life?

  Al : [to Peggy]  And there's the wind up... and the pitch...

  [Jefferson is flug through the air from a huge punch and lands on the floor behind the couch] 

  Al : And it's out of the park!

  Marcy D'Arcy : [to Jefferson]  Now, I am going out and get all my baby furniture back. I want to you remain on that floor and think about what you did. Now, Peggy and I will go to the storage company and get a list of all those people who bought my items at that auction and we will get them back.

  Peggy : Me? Why do I have to go with you?

  Marcy D'Arcy : Because when I get back, I want to strip every ounce of manhood this guy has on him, and you are the only person who can show me how.

  Peggy : [walks out with Marcy]  No problem! I did this exact same thing to Al. Right after we were married, I stopped doing many things for him such as help him wash his own hair, and stop making him lunch for work.