- Al Bundy: Ah, we had a good time. Well, you had a good time. Mine pretty much blew chunks, but, uh... I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license that means I can't drive. If I can't drive that means I can't go to work. If I can't go to work that means I'll have to stay home and I'll be home... all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son?
- Bud Bundy: Not the ones that read, "If you lived here, you'd be home now"?
- Al Bundy: And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez Whiz out of the can. Now, let me ask you, son... HOW DID I DO?
- Bud Bundy: [hands Al a card] You passed.
- Al Bundy: Oh, goody.
- [the phone rings]
- Al Bundy: Hello, Peg.
- [answers the phone]
- Al Bundy: Hello, Peg.
- Peggy Bundy: How'd you know it was me, Al?
- Al Bundy: I actually heard God laugh.
- Mr. Blithers: What language do you speak?
- Al Bundy: I speak the same language as everybody in this country.
- Mr. Blithers: Oh, Spanish.
- Marcy D'Arcy: [after Kelly informed the D'Arcys she was fired] You dispensed job advice to her? You who thinks a W2 is a bingo number?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: I know it's not a bingo number. It's that stuff you spray on squeaky hinges, right?
- Mr. Blithers: Al Boondy.
- Al Bundy: That's, uh... That's Bundy.
- Mr. Blithers: Sorry. Anyway, Mr. Boondy...
- Bud Bundy: Look, Mr. Boondy, this is my job and I am merely being a professional civil servant and I've taken an oath. HOOTERS! HOOTERS! STOP THE CAR! PULL OVER! PULL OVER!
- [the car stops, a German Blonde appears]
- Heidi: Hi. I'm Heidi and I'm from Bavaria. Could you direct me to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee?
- Al Bundy: [with sarcasm] Oh, yeah, this could happen.
- Bud Bundy: Get in, Heidi. We just, uh... We just happen to be going that way.
- [Heidi gets in the car]
- Bud Bundy: By the way, Dad, I'm taking off five more points. You should never pick up hitchhikers.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [while helping Al study for his driving test] "When at a four-way stop, who has the right of way? A: The guy on the left; B: The guy on the right; or C: The guy not driving the Dodge?"
- Al Bundy: [takes the book] Let me see that. It doesn't say that.
- [looks at the book]
- Al Bundy: It does say that.
- Peggy Bundy: Honey, now that Mom is feeling better, she wants to try to improve her appearance.
- Al Bundy: What about aluminum siding?
- Peggy Bundy: No, Al. I wanna get her some of the nail polish that she wants, but I can't remember what shade she likes.
- Al Bundy: Chocolate?
- Peggy Bundy: Honey, it's in the catalog that she sent me.
- Al Bundy: What catalog, Peg?
- Peggy Bundy: It's called XXLL Bean.
- Kelly Bundy: Great location for a bank. Right next to a bar.
- Marcy D'Arcy: Well, that's how we got the Kennedy account.
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah, but I feel like some cheap slut.
- Marcy D'Arcy: Well, that's how we're hoping to get the Clinton account.
- Peggy Bundy: Honey, I have great news. Mom has taken her first steps since her heart attack.
- Al Bundy: Did you alert Tokyo?
- Peggy Bundy: You know, she never liked you, Al.
- Al Bundy: That's because I'm not cream-filled.
- Al Bundy: Ask me the next question.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: What's your blind spot?
- Al Bundy: Two beers and a redhead.
- Kelly Bundy: Look what they want me to wear on my next Verminator commercial.
- [loosens overcoat, reveals tiny red bikini, then closes her coat back up]
- Kelly Bundy: This is humiliating! It's totally beneath me. I don't wanna do commercials in a bikini. I wanna do films where I'm totally naked, or... or at least with that "Hey, Vern" guy. Daddy, I'm afraid if I keep doing this, people are gonna think that I'm all body and no...
- [forgets what she was gonna say]
- Al Bundy: Mind?
- Kelly Bundy: No, I don't mind. Go ahead.
- [frustrated, Al buries his face in his hands]
- Kelly Bundy: Well, I tried to talk to my boss about it, but all he wanted to do was buy me more drinks.
- Al Bundy: [after wayward daughter, Kelly, left] Is she gone?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah.
- Al Bundy: And the boy's gone, right?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [nods] Yup.
- Al Bundy: Thank God I only had sex with Peg twice.
- Kelly Bundy: [live bikini mannequin in bank window, to Arabian boy] No, you can't check out my assets. No, you can't see my prime interest rate. And, yes, there is a severe penalty for early withdrawal.
- [Bud is trying to ask Al for money to go to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee]
- Bud Bundy: Dad, everybody's going.
- Al Bundy: Everybody's not going. I'm not going, Buck's not going, and you're not going.
- [Buck is seen wearing a hat and a sign that says "Kiss Me. I'm a German Shepherd"]
- Buck: I don't care what anyone says. I'm going.