- Maj. Frank Burns: [about Koreans] The savages!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Frank, those *savages* were printing with movable type in 1403.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He's right. I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.
- Kyong Ja: The exorcism would have to be performed by a Priestess. Once the spirits are gone, my grandfather would let you operate.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We haven't got time for that.
- Kyong Ja: She's only a mile away.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I could drive her, Sir.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You do that, Radar.
- Maj. Frank Burns: You do that Radar, and I'll have your stripes.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: You look lousy in stripes, Frank. Go ahead, Radar.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Now just a minute, Bub. U.S. Regulations do not allow for heathen rituals on government property.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Dangerous talk, Frank. If the spirits heard you say that, they'd turn you into a pumpkin, or a dedicated doctor.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Ah, bunko junko.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Run along, Radar.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Permission to run along denied!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Permission to deny denied!
- Maj. Frank Burns: You can't do that! I outrank you. I have half a mind to tell the Colonel.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I deny you have half a mind.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Then I will see the Colonel.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I'll deny I said anything. I'll deny I denied anything. Beat it, Radar!
- [Radar and Kyong Ja drive off]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Pierce, you are the most unmilitary man in this man's army.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Thank you.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Hawkeye attempts to perform an exorcism] Acetylsalicylic, phenobarb and arsphenamine!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [Frank walks from the building] My God, it works.
- Cpl. Maxwell 'Max' Q. Klinger: Stray bomb appears out of nowhere. Blows up a shipment of chipped beef. What do you call that?
- Lt. Father Francis John Patrick Mulcahy: A gift from heaven.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Radar's redundancies: "The driver can deliver it personally in person."