Late Night with Conan O'Brien (TV Series)

Claire Danes/Simon Cowell/Greg Giraldo (2003)

Simon Cowell: Self - Guest

Quotes 

• Conan O'Brien : My God, look, Simon, it's Triumph the Insult Comic Dog! Who knew?

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : I'm ready for you, bitch! Talk about wasting my life watching that. No no, it was great. It was great, it was a fascinating interview. I've always wondered what it would be like if we blow-dried the Weakest Link chick and cut off her nuts!

  [audience laughter] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Seriously, seriously, man, what's with the '80s hair? Look at that thing. Look at that. What's with the '80s hair style, man? Look at this. You look like Denny Terrio shtupped a chow chow! Get a lawyer and sue Super Cuts!

  [audience applause; Triumph grabs some cards] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Got a few more here.

  [Conan laughs] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : All right. No, seriously: Who the hell do you think you are, man? Fuck you. You're telling- listen to me! You're telling, fig- I don't understand the logic.

  [Robert Smigel puts Triumph's arm back into place] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Let me fix my arm here...

  Conan O'Brien : [to Simon]  He has trouble with his arm sometimes.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Seriously, what's the logic here? You go on, and you tell people that they have no talent? That's like poop telling vomit it stinks!

  [audience laughter; Robert Smigel places the cigar back in Triumph's mouth] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : I kid, I kid, you're a big star! You're a big star, you're- you're like the star of American Idol, seriously, they should rename it "British Homo".

  [audience laughter] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : He's a tough guy, no, he's good, he's fine, don't worry about him, he can handle it, he gives it to people straight and hard! I guess... I guess I don't need a punchline for that one. Go back to England, bitch!

  Conan O'Brien : [over audience cheers/applause]  Oh, it's too far. He goes too far. It shouldn't happen to anyone.

  Simon Cowell : I feel humbled.